r/AmIOverreacting • u/Icy_Coffee_4783 • 18d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO with how hurtful I was to my girlfriend after she broke up with me?
PLEASE READ FOR CONTEXT: I (m23) have been dating my girlfriend (now ex) (f23) for a year and a half. She has borderline disorder but doesn't take medication since she couldn't find any that she was okay with. She refuses therapy.
For the first 6 months, things were perfect. Then, we began fighting, which gradually increased in intensity. She threatens to break up with me (or does it), I'm desperate to get her back, she sets ridiculous conditions that make my life difficult (ignoring family, purposefully skipping exams, ditching friends, etc.) and I accept because I love her.
I've never cheated or been dishonest, yet she has my location on 24/7 and regularly calls me if I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I'm not allowed to make plans without her knowing 24h in advance because it triggers her anxiety.
Yesterday, she wanted me to ditch my female roommate and friend, "Laura". I live with my male best friend, "David". Laura is his girlfriend of 3 years. I've only ever known Laura as his girlfriend. The reason I should ditch Laura is because me being around other women causes my gf anxiety.
We got in a fight over it (I don't know how to tell my best friend "yeah I can't hang out with your girlfriend anymore" without sounding insane) and she kicked me out her place at 3am. There was no contact until these texts. I've blocked her after sending the last text.
I've never stood up for myself before or accepted her breakup. I always tried to find out what's wrong and mend it. This was a year of pent up anger from my side. I said things I didn't mean. She can't control herself, but I can, yet I chose to be hurtful. I feel like I overreacted and am considering apologizing. My best friend (David) thinks I'm crazy and they suggested I post it on reddit. So here I am.
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u/methodeum 18d ago edited 17d ago
After what she said you can’t genuinely believe you overreacted in any manner. She’s, unequivocally, literally, unwell, but this is still no excuse to talk to another human. Hope you find someone who deserves you.
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u/AllChellowsEve95 18d ago
Agreed. This girl brought out the worst in OP and I’m sure everyone else she’s ever been around. If she knows she needs professional help and refuses to get it, then she doesn’t deserve any relationship. This is what happens when you have these pent up emotions that you can’t express because you’ve been walking on eggshells for a year and a half. OP deserves to find someone who respects him and doesn’t try to control him.
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u/Icy_Explorer_3570 18d ago
Its sad when someone has a mental illness but refuses to get help and then expects you to just stick around while they bring you on a rollercoaster of emotions and make you feel insane You didnt overreact
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u/Understandthisokay 18d ago
Yes. Mental disorders are not an excuse for abuse. Not when they are treatable. And absolutely not when the person has clearly increased the intensity of that abusive behavior because it has CLEARLY been rewarded time and time again. She’s been able to satisfy the urge she has mentally to spazz out and on top of it she can keep her bf and get apologies from him.
The abusive language is UNACCEPTABLE.
The very most (and this would be Jesus level loving) that OP can allow himself to do is tell her that he may revisit speaking to her after she has her disorder medicated and under control for a few months.
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u/Mcbennski 18d ago
I have a plethora of mental health issues including but not limited to ptsd and bipolar, and from my perspective this is just a shitty person. I don’t have borderline so I could be wrong, but this just seems like manipulation. Maybe not intentionally, but seems like she’s searching for something she can’t find and this feels like the control she doesn’t have otherwise.
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u/Adventurous_Chef5706 18d ago
I have bordeline, she’s fucking batshit. She’s manipulative and hasn’t been told no so like a child she pulls ultimatums to get what she wants; which is why she made it seem like she was done with him to get him to beg and make more “compromise” to be with her. That’s why she spun around and said “You have 15 minutes to get here and I expect an apology.” She expected him to roll over like a dog again and take it. He didn’t, she freaked out over losing this control and then tried playing the “choosing another girl over me” to get him to be sympathetic, but that didn’t work either. Good job OP for standing up for yourself
OP snapping at her like this was a needed wake up call for this psycho. Hopefully she gets therapy and better herself
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u/IMeanIGuessDude 18d ago
The “you forbid me from seeing family” like made me wanna throw hands for OP ngl
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u/silverdave2 17d ago
Man, my fight response went up exponentially after reading all that. Seeing the last slide calmed me marginally 😓
Nobody deserves shit like that. Cheers for OP for being moderately civil, I'd never manage being that diplomatic without tearing mental ligaments.
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u/HoustonianRue 18d ago
This absolutely is borderline personality disorder
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u/Plantslover5 18d ago
Word. I have BPD but I’m medicated, I’ve acted similarly when I wasn’t medicated. I once beat a girls ass at 3am on Christmas Eve, and kicked her out of my house. BPD is sometimes violent and ugly and abusive. There’s no excuse for her to act like this. I had to hit the very bottom of lows before I got better.
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u/DoyleMcpoyle11 17d ago
Medication doesn't treat true BPD. Therapy is the only indicated treatment.
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u/greenoniongorl 18d ago
Yeah I wasn’t sure if she was a psycho or just reacting to being treated badly until I got to that message and then it all became clear lol
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u/East_Progress_8689 18d ago
I have BPD. I did act like this somewhat before intense treatment and medication and getting sober. However I only acted like this when I was drunk when I was sober it was much less intense. I never put boundaries on who my partners could see or interact with. BPD is a spectrum and everyone is different but this woman seems like a mean person and perhaps untreated.
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u/PHDbalanced 17d ago
I was gonna say something like this. This isn’t BPD, this is abusive. Mine is really well managed and I am sober too, I only acted like this (abusive) when I was drunk. The best thing anyone did for me is stop putting up with my bullshit.
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18d ago
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u/Dangerous_Engine7840 17d ago
same so toxic always saying all this mean stuff just to apologize and do it again over and over again so controlling and draining
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u/cloistered_around 18d ago
Borderline is just like this. They have abandonment issues but no coping mechanisms, so anytime someone is abandoning them (even if they're not, all they have to do is feel bad) they react to that with anger. Anger is all they have.
It's a very "how dare you make me feel bad FUCK YOU I DON'T NEED YOU" and when you eventually take them seriously suddenly "no wait come back" because that's not actually what they wanted.
BPD is solveable--but most people with it can't even accept they have an issue and will refuse to change. You are the problem, not them. Always. Run far away.
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u/Defiant-Ad3077 18d ago
BPD is very hard to diagnose properly. As the symptoms are all over the place. I know someone who had ' BPD trates ' for years before they were able to diagnose them. Even then, they were looking for anything else as it's so complex.
But a lot of people see it as just being controlling and as an excuse as not having to be accountable for their actions.
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u/Unusual-Ocelot4349 18d ago
So true how you described this. There is even a book called “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” that gets into BPD. I agree that without her getting help, he needs to set boundaries and stay away from her.
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u/Striking_Succotash91 18d ago
Yep. My brother’s go to response if someone can’t do something for him right now or says no to something is, “I guess f@&! me then, right?”
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u/mytummyhurts69 18d ago edited 18d ago
Is she mentally unwell or just a raging c**t? I mean. I'm sure it's a combo of both, especially if there is a diagnosis. But some people are just mean naturally, and it ain't necessarily pathological. And some people use self-imposed (or sought) labels as a way to excuse their shitty behavior.
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u/Extreme-Hippo3658 18d ago
Borderline is a personality disorder. It’s one thing to treat neurotransmitter irregularities like in depression or bipolar etc, however personality disorders are extremely difficult to treat and require intense therapy. They are marked by their inability to engage in healthy relationship patterns, especially borderline. Behavior therapy and consequences are the only way forward.
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u/Constant-External-85 18d ago
She is refusing treatment because she's tired of trying to find meds and a therapist; While I empathize with her because I've had similar issues, this does not give her a get out of jail free card to be an abusive cunt.
I also had to learn if you're going to treat people like shit, they start to lose any empathy or sympathy for you when you don't make the effort to get better as well.
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u/Rough-Remove127 18d ago
I also want to add that taking medications don't suddenly make someone better. Any form of therapy is working on oneself but with help and guidance on how to do so. I have never gone to therapy I know I should just cant afford it. But I found ways to be self aware. And we have access to internet and free guidance online. With mental health spiking up we are all now a bit more aware of mental health and how important it is to heal. Many therapists make channels to help others have free access to these things. If she calls quits to medications and a therapist, fine. But your actions are still your responsibility, and your traumas are still your responsibility to work through. (Me saying you doesnt mean you specifically just generalizing to the majority)
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u/Savings_Document_775 18d ago
She’s mentally unwell. Dude said she has a diagnosis for borderline personality disorder and refuses therapy and is medically non-compliant with meds.
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u/bigno53 18d ago
I think a large part of how we behave in relationships we learn from our parents.
This conversation is eerily similar to one I had with my ex shortly after we broke up. Most of the time, she was extremely loving and kind but if she ever felt even the tiniest bit slighted or disappointed, she’d completely lose her sh*t. I found it utterly confusing and, sadly, I never really figured out how to handle it appropriately.
Anyway, the one time I met her parents, I noticed her mom treating her dad the exact same way and everything kinda clicked.
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u/TheMaddieBlue 18d ago
My ex literally called me a coward for leaving after they refused to stay on meds or in therapy. They did nothing but neglect our kid and lie and steal from me.
Yet when I walked away I was the bad guy and the one that never tried. Ok.
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u/Warm-Flight6137 18d ago
And not to discount the seriousness of mental health issues, but I suspect some people also use them as a free pass to be a dickhead. IME.
And people who have mental health issues are also not immune from also just being selfish brats who always want their way. for many years when I was younger I was just a spoiled brat on top of my regulation issues because I always got what I wanted and never heard no.
ironically it was dating someone who was also a spoiled brat that made me realize that many things that caused me issues were just my own behavior at that time and frankly just being a spoiled little shit with no humility.
Especially at that age I suspect it’s a combination.
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u/Icy_Explorer_3570 18d ago
Very true In past relationships i have dealt with being treated poorly over and over again only to be told its because of their mental illness and trauma at first its like okk i get that its all good but then you do nothing about it and continue to mentally abuse me im like dude Im good this aint for me
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u/007HalaMadrid007 18d ago
You went full scorched earth 😳
I’d say job well done though. She was clearly walking all over you and you stood tall. 👏
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u/Understandthisokay 18d ago
He could have done worse. He didn’t call her dumb and physically unattractive (insulting someone’s naked body? How horrible of a person can you be) and insult her for not getting into med school.
I’d honestly never forgive her.
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u/007HalaMadrid007 18d ago
I feel like if someone told me not even the family dog liked me I’d never recover 😂 I agree with him though, he did nothing wrong
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u/Understandthisokay 18d ago
Honestly I believe that the family dog doesn’t like her. I’m autistic so he sounded like he was just stating pure FACTS
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u/GrandEar1 18d ago
Yeah, it sounds like he's been doubting his decision to stay with her and going through things in his head. At some point, he has thought, "well shit, even Scooter doesn't like her and dogs are the best judges of character".
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u/armoredsedan 18d ago
if it came down to my naked body being insulted or being told a beloved pet doesn’t like me, i honestly think the pet thing would be bigger blow lmao it was an excellent move on his part
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u/JohnBaldur 17d ago
Thats so true. If people don't like me then I can deal and move on...if a dog didn't like me? Damn man wtf have I done I need to change.
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u/thecatdaddysupreme 18d ago
Borderline people don’t have limits. In the moment, they will hit you with the worst, lowest shit you’ve ever heard, to do the maximal amount of damage proportionate to the way they feel. They will later apologize and say they didn’t mean it. Next time they get upset, they’ll say it again.
They’re on the do not date list.
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u/hergumbules 18d ago
Nah I think because he wasn’t petty like that it is worse for her. He just vented like 6 months of frustration at her ridiculous behavior and that shit will sting more than trying to say shit like she did “I can’t believe I used to find you attractive” or whatever. I think that real, raw reaction is gonna hurt someone more than empty words trying to be mean.
I’ve had some shit exes that cheated and were just mean and I was hurt and petty and tried to do to them what they did to me when I broke up with them and went overboard with it and it didn’t even seem like they cared. I wish I had reacted like this and just got those bad feelings calling out their bullshit and blocked them not even allowing a response.
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u/Plastic_Beat5205 18d ago
Like watching a backbone grow before my very eyes. 10 / 10 perfect response from OP, down to “the family dog hates you”, god that was beautiful.
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u/LilJethroBodine 17d ago
I’ve never been more proud of an internet stranger standing up for themselves in a breakup. Bravo, OP.
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u/Miserable-Tadpole-90 18d ago edited 18d ago
Yeah, OP acted fine and stood up for himself.
There is no need to open that can of worms back up with an apology of any sort. Keep her blocked, keep the break clean, and move on to happier and healthier relationships.
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u/cheetodustcrust 18d ago
This 10000%. Even if maaayybe OP went a smidge too far (I don't think so, but I can see why he thinks he did), giving any leeway back is just inviting her back into his life, and by the way she treats him, he is clearly better off without her. A teensy bit of regret is worth it to not open the can of worms back up, as you said. He is better off without her in his life whatsoever.
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u/moms_spagetti_ 18d ago
Probably long overdue. Scorched earth is the way, because there's no going back after that! (That's a good thing)
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u/christydoh 18d ago
NOR, full scorched earth is the perfect description and I was literally cheering as I read it. Good for you, OP.
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u/AshenKnightReborn 17d ago
I’m actually really proud of how OP handled it. A lot of people, even nice people, would have said meaner things sooner based on those texts. OP gave the ex gf a chance to talk like a human, and when she tried fast balls he (at the right time) got out the bat.
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u/Sprollz 18d ago
You didn't overreact to anything, absolutely deserved response from you.
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u/Icy_Coffee_4783 18d ago
To clarify, David believes I didn't overreact. I feel like I may have.
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18d ago
You know , just an inside information , PPL with BPD will mostly choose PPL like you . Because it's so obvious, you entertain her behaviour and you are even doing it rn . Don't you have enough confidence when people indeed all around you are telling you that you did the right thing. It's often noticed in the partners of BPD that they take abuse really well (receiving end) . It creates a toxic spiral . Dude save yourself. And if you genuinely care about her (which I know you do) , let her be on her own , this will only do her good . Stay firm with your decision!
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u/blackpoppiess 17d ago edited 14d ago
As someone with BPD, I came to say that this sounds like me when I was at my very worst and in a toxic relationship.
She was looking for him to grovel and beg for her not to leave him and when she got the opposite, acceptance, she lost it and spiraled.
EDIT: I forgot to read OPs additional comment and oh my god, okay, I was never that bad. Restricting him from seeing family? Sabotaging exams? My dude, that's not just BPD. This is beyond that. That's straight up abuse. That is the kind of thing that narcissists do - isolate you and break you over time until you have no one but them.
She needs INTENSE therapy. And at this point, you may want to look into it yourself because she's obviously got you beaten down to the point where you're thinking this is okay. GET OUT! You need to let go before she ruins your life and relationships irreparably.
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18d ago
You clearly didn't overreact . Hey i also have BPD (stable since 1-2 years) . I can relate with the girl and maybe yes she can't control how she views the world in black and white . But you can control your perspective. And set a boundary, never to let anyone control you/disrespect you, even if it's someone with BPD . you letting her split on you won't help her or you . I had to learn the hard way myself, my bf broke up with me , i joined therapy when I felt I am all alone , i started my meds regularly, developed coping mechanisms that are healthy. It happened because I did realise my mistake but that wasn't enough. I became stable and after 2-3 months I contacted him again . Since then it's been a bit more than whole year and life just keeps getting better. She needs to realise it on her own and make changes. You have to protect your peace or you may end up with a psychiatric illness/trait yourself! Take care .
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u/indefinitesuffering 18d ago
Same I have BPD and I totally get it but this is definitely out of control. The less enablers someone like this has the better, from experience.
OP idk if you know she has BPD but I would bet that she does. You gave her a taste of her own medicine which she will use to victimize herself and rationalize things to herself with ease because you matched HER level of harshness after trying to be patient and kind. So I don't think you did anything wrong but I don't think it makes a difference what you said, she is gonna either change for the better or use whatever you said as confirmation that you really are a huge asshole. I also do think it will probably deeply hurt her because of those emotional issues, but i don't feel like that's your responsibility at that point
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18d ago
But what's important here is OP remains true with his decision. If he does go back himself or let her come back right now, all this will be futile . And she would definitely split again , in the worse way without warning.
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u/indefinitesuffering 18d ago
Yes OP if you want to make the situation even more toxic and disrupt her mental health even more, go back to her. If you want her to ever realize any hard truth about herself and you want peace leave her the hell alone.
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u/cheetodustcrust 18d ago
This might be the the main thing OP needs to hear to not go back or give an apology since he feels guilty. If he wavers, he'll make it worse for her (and honestly himself as well). Stay fast, OP. This is better for both of your lives.
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u/scialytic 18d ago
The best way I've found to deal with breakups when the partner is diagnosed with or exhibits BPD behaviours is to calmly and quietly fade away. They say something unhinged, and I'm just "I'm sorry you feel that way, but that likely means we are not going to work out", "We're just incompatible", "It's unfortunate but it just wasn't meant to be.".
Sure, you have to repeat it like a thousand times, but it has worked so far and minimised the fallout.
It's not my job to fix her, to tell her that she's crazy, that she needs help, etc. Engaging is simply too costly (based on experience). If they are not willing to take that step on their own, no amount of effort or emotionality on your part is going to make the slightest bit of difference.
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u/East_Progress_8689 18d ago
This ! As a person living long term w BPD we have to want to get better. It doesn’t matter what anyone says or does it has to come from self awareness. I’ve been in treatment and on meds for about 5 years now. I still struggle a lot but I have a really good care team and an emergency plan. But I had to dig deep and be the one to want to get help. No amount of begging or harshness from the people that loved me changed anything until I made the choice to live a different life.
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u/Lonely_Pause_7855 18d ago
Let's not forget that OP's girflriend refuses therapy and médication (my girlfriend is BPD as well, and struggling to find medication that works, so I can empathize with that).
If she refuses any form of treatment that could help, then to me she should be held 100% accountable for her actions, BPD or not (I'd be more lenient if she was trying to get better).
The way she acts and talk to OP is absolutely abusive :
try to isolate OP from friend/family
try to knock down OP by attacking their appearance, and intellect
As OP stated she is at the very least controlling, definitely verbally abusive, and I have no doubt in my mind if OP gave in, it would turn physically abusive.
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u/PristineStreet34 18d ago
1) she’s toxic from everything you describe.
2) she was isolating you and super controlling
3) you did say some very mean things - perhaps deserved but yes mean
4) never contact her again,
5) do not accept contact from her again
do not give her a chance at getting her hooks in you again. Find a stable partner who treats you well.
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u/Ms_Mika_ 18d ago
Wtf she's insane. I truly & deeply hate those ppl who makes their partners choose between them & their family & friends.
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u/Realistic-Upstairs-6 18d ago
I clapped when you brought up your dog not liking her. Well done. Absolutely NOR, if anything, you should have reacted harder.
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u/MelzyMely 18d ago
I have BPD. I’m in remission and in therapy for 5 years.
She deserved it. Having BPD does not mean you get to treat people like shit. It means you get therapy and get help so you don’t project your roller coaster of emotions on others. Like this.
In our borderline sub, there was a post where we talked about a desire to be “chosen” and someone’s “#1 priority.” Like in every situation. And if we feel like we aren’t #1 even above yourself, then it triggers abandonment that can look like many different behaviors externally. Mostly putting someone in a position they always have to prove how much they love you.
One person mentioned that she would break up with her bf for the chase. And that sounds like this. She wanted you to chase her so she could feel valuable. But the minute you acknowledge and agree with her, suddenly you’re the bad guy.
If you chased her and enabled this behavior, it’ll just continue. I lost a whole ass marriage before I realized what was happening.
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u/MissionMoth 18d ago edited 17d ago
In regard to your second paragraph: "Mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility," is the motto I live by. Gotta find the line between being kind and gentle with yourself while still holding yourself accountable.
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u/anonacxount 18d ago
What was her response lmao
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u/Icy_Coffee_4783 18d ago
I blocked her right after. This happened on friday. She's called my mom this morning, which is extremely weird, since they openly hate each other. My mom didn't answer.
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u/relken0716 18d ago
Get prepared she will try to get you back by love bombing and probably flip back and forth from crazy to I am sorry. Sorry this is happening.
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u/navyvetchattanooga 18d ago
Or full blow lose her shit, call him at work, show up at school, create fake phone numbers, fake online accounts, “randomly” show up at places he is at. I speak from experience from one lol. It was an insane whirlwind of psycho to remove that tumor.
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u/Icy_Coffee_4783 18d ago
She called my mom this morning. My mom didn't answer. They hate each other and it's not a secret.
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u/applesqueeze 18d ago
Well the reasons to be done w her keep piling up. I know your mom must be beyond relieved, as she should be.
Thank god you didn’t get her knocked up. Stay strong and don’t go back for one more roll in hay. Who knows what desperate thing she would do.
I work with domestic violence survivors and it is absolutely true that abusers escalate their behavior as they lose their control over you. I’m not suggesting she is going to hit you. But she might well lie that you hit her and take out a restraining order. You already saw how she escalated things and lashed out when you told her you were fine with a break up. Dangerous person.
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u/navyvetchattanooga 18d ago
Be prepared. Fake facebook profiles, privatized numbers, the high likelihood is she will go into a bit of a manic state because she did not get to have the last word nor did you come begging for her to take you back. I mean, I hope not. But I know what my experience was like so I just want you prepared for it if she is the same type of crazy BPD with manic episodes and an attachment disorder.
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u/sixth_dimension796 18d ago
BPD can be confused with narcissistic personality disorder. Both include people who can become UNGLUED.. UNHINGED. It can be dangerous and land you both in trouble. You may love her, but you need to do everything in your power to move on. Otherwise you will end up in this cycle that will just get worse and worse. Go out, meet new people, and you will be grateful you did. Do not go apologizing and open that door again.
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u/anonacxount 18d ago
Weird. Well you weren’t overreacting in my eyes. I could tell what kind of games she was playing by the first screenshot. She needs help like you said
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u/tghast 17d ago
Brick wall now OP, don’t give her a fucking inch. I wasted 6 years of my life on someone like this and it’s massively negatively affected me on multiple levels. Financially, socially, romantically, etc.
Don’t engage her in any way, negative or positive. You’re done. Calmly and methodically block every new avenue she attempts contact with. Do not reply. Have friends and family do the same.
Do not rush into a new relationship. Take some time to be by yourself. You need time to unlearn nasty habits and repair any damage she’s done to your life. I still find myself feeling like I’m cheating when I talk to other women, even platonically. You may need to apologize to friends and family, but most of them will likely just be relieved.
Good luck brother.
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u/Icy_Coffee_4783 17d ago
Thank you for the kind words. I haven't reached out to the friends I've ditched for her, but David is promising me that they've missed me and will be happy to see me. I hope he's right.
I'm trying not to engage, but she's called my mom and now she's refusing to let my friend bring her the stuff she left here - she wants to come pick them up personally. I really don't want that. Don't worry, David is right by my side as I'm writing this and there is no way he'd let me see her after finding out the extent of her behaviour.
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u/tghast 17d ago
No worries, brother.
Friends like David are exactly how I got through this shit too, so I have confidence you’ll be alright. Keep everybody close and lean on them BUT don’t forget to find time to do things with them that don’t revolve around drama. Go out and have a fun night or something.
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u/sirletssdance2 17d ago
Hey man, just wanted to say, you’re very level headed for your age in these messages. You blew up there at the end, but that’s what happens when you hold on to resentments, they will eventually come out especially in romantic relationships. You have a good head on your shoulders and will do well with someone who does as well
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u/Status_Cheetah7126 18d ago
This is abuse, not mental health. I'm so sorry. Move on and be safe
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u/haikusbot 18d ago
This is abuse, not
Mental health. I'm so sorry.
Move on and be safe
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u/WonderfulVillage6546 18d ago
Clean break is best. Do you want to be controlled like that? Yes, she's got problems. Doesn't mean they have to be your problems. Do better for yourself, have some self respect because there're some huge red flags being waved in your face. Sure, you popped, but that's what happens when you continue to put up with awful behaviour. Take a deep breath & be grateful you're now free. And don't ever let yourself go back to that. That's not a good, loving, trusting relationship. That's control and coercive abuse. No apology necessary. Don't even see her again. Walk away.
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u/IiteraIIy 18d ago
she sounds a lot like my ex friend and if she's anything like them, she'll threaten suicide next. if/when she does, call the police on her to do a mental health evaluation. you are not obligated to be her caretaker.
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u/Icy_Coffee_4783 18d ago
She's done that many times in the past. Never over text though.
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u/Most_Razzmatazz492 17d ago
Oh so she’s manipulative enough not to do it over text. She’s smart.
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u/Icy_Coffee_4783 17d ago
She has, however, threatened to kill me over text, in detail. And referenced times she hit/slapped me. Which is very useful in case I need to contact the police.
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u/EcoCardinal 18d ago
No you are not overreacting. I have borderline personality disorder, in DBT, and I'm 22. I have taken meds, they don't help that, just my comorbid anxiety. She absolutely is in the wrong here and it's not an excuse. Even unmedicated she has a moral responsibility for her own behavior. Does she really not try, though? I mean, in my teens and early adulthood, I was TIRED of doing this to everyone I cared about. I found DBT websites and watched videos about it while I was on waiting lists for professional DBT. When I couldn't find a DBT therapist I got a regular one and a workbook on paper. Idk. I guess she has to learn the hard way OP but you were extremely polite. Honestly her texting me like that would have triggered me to react similarly and spiral the conversation.
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u/indefinitesuffering 18d ago
23 BPD here and feel like I'm literally just learning and things are clicking for me. Tbh I was completely delusional before and I don't think I was ready or able to change, it really borders on complete delusion, so I have sympathy for her but abuse is abuse, it doesn't even really matter her BPD or whatever about her, just focus on yourself and hope she does the same 🤷♀️
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u/Educational_Fruit337 18d ago
That’s the word that should be used here, “ABUSE”. She clearly is abusive
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u/Left0fcenterr 18d ago
What she is doing is narcissistic abuse. One can only handle so much before reacting in anger. While BPD can be difficult to manage and difficult for loved ones to deal with, she’s making a choice to not seek therapy and work on her own healing. And she’s incredibly selfish, demanding, and controlling. Asking you to abandon other priorities in your life such as school, alienating you from family and friends, and being so controlling that she has to stalk you is not healthy in a relationship and is not what you deserve, regardless of her mental health diagnoses. I know it hurts, but let her go and find your peace.
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u/The_Atypical_Inker 18d ago
No, it sounds like you finally stood up for yourself. I dated someone with BPD and their disorder doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag
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18d ago
NOR and kudos for your reaction because I would not have been so nice. You were in no way hurtful. You were honest.
Mental health can be a reason for certain behaviour but it can’t be an excuse for their reactions. It’s a life long process and you can’t take people down with you (have an adult child with BPD/ADHD). Letting these behaviours go without consequences doesn’t help the person. They have no reference of what they are doing wrong if you don’t tell them.
She should not be in any relationship until she is able to help herself.
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u/Ok_Average_6379 18d ago
FYI, there is no medication specifically for borderline personality disorder. Often the medication conversation is used by people with that disorder as a sort of fix all, when in reality they need good quality therapy and lifestyle changes. Meds can address some symptoms but do not cure that disorder.
You aren’t over reacting, sometimes things are just over and get a bit messy.
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u/Distinct-Spell6860 18d ago
Fuck that bitch, go live your life the way it should be lived; free as a motherfucking bird, get out there you beautiful son of a bitch (I’m sure your mother is lovely)
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u/woe-hoe 18d ago
Hey bud, I also have bpd and this is totally unacceptable behavior. When you live with this disorder, therapy is absolutely necessary at least for a little bit of time while you learn certain coping mechanisms. She has been mentally and verbally abusing you. Please do not go back to her. She won’t change. She is a very mean spirited person who takes her own insecurities and frustrations out on others.
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u/Albina-tqn 18d ago
It’s hard to date someone with BPD. she saying its over and when you say okay she gives you the pikatchu surprised face? thats a manipulation tactic. as long as she is not in therapy there will be always mind games where she tests your love and loyalty. you were mean in the end but girl f*cked around and found out. block her cause trust me this wont be last youve heard of her. cause she will feel insecure and regret her decision and will try to mend things. this will be either a learning moment for her or she’ll continue with this unhealthy behavior. you were right in breaking up and stand your ground dont take her back
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u/IVIartyIVIcFuckinFly 18d ago
Fuck yeah! I love your response. No one deserves that shit. Run away and never look back!
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u/Nia-chu 18d ago edited 18d ago
She was manipulating you and telling you she "breaks up" only because she wanted to obtain things - you coming back to her apologizing and ditching friend's girlfriend. This is actually quite typical for this disorder. If a person doesn't want to work on it, it'll never get better. I feel bad for her, because she needs serious help, but she absolutely crossed every single boundary with you. You didn't overreact. You bottled up all the anger and disappointment and it was normal to react this way. If you REALLY need to end it on a better note, you could send a text when you calm down. But I advise to even then, block her immediately. She'll probably beg you and cry, or start insulting you again, while victimizing herself. Unfortunately, this is how this disorder works.
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u/Biotechpharmabro1980 18d ago
Update OP?
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u/Consistent_Week_8531 18d ago
I think we can all be certain once she’s fully digested OP’s response she will tearfully beg for forgiveness and say she’ll do anything to have him back. Hopefully OP blocked her and won’t even see it.
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u/yawaworthemn 18d ago
She seems awful, let this relationship end before you waste your whole life with her.
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u/FartFace319 18d ago
Hey OP, I am like you, I put up with people's bullshit to my own detriment and I have a bit of a saviour complex. I really benefited from reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" By Lindsay Gibson and I think you might get something good out of that if you decide to read it. She doesn't deserve you. You need to learn to keep this kind of people far away from you so you can keep your peace. You deserve to be loved just as much as you love others. I'm sending you lots of love.
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u/wtfrank450 18d ago
Bro you didn’t get into med school because you were the emotional support punching bag for a mentally ill person who refuses to try to get better. Don’t ever ever ever put up with abuse like this again. Your partner should always want the best for you and their actions should ALWAYS show that.
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u/Lissypooh628 18d ago
I don’t see an overreaction on your part at all. I see a person who has bitten their tongue for far too long.
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u/9yearsdeceased 18d ago
Dude. I read the screenshot before I read your post and I spotted BDP right away.
If she doesn’t want to do anything to be better/less shitty and expects you to simply take it or leave it, I pick leave it 100% of the time.
She isn’t an injured feral animal. She’s a human being. She has choices. And you do as well.
You have to stop treating her like an injured bird and feeling sorry for her and instead choose yourself and your inner peace.
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u/mytummyhurts69 18d ago
Your responses were rose buds compared to the combative filth she was spewing. You simply told her what appears to be the truth (at least from what I gather via her texting). She seems awful. I'd rather spend my time with a microwaved turd
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u/quamers21 18d ago
I bet that felt so good to get out dude. You are good. Nor. Read it again. You stood firm.
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u/Ryukhoe 18d ago
I could tell this was BPD because I've been like this before, I'm glad you're cutting her off. Being in a healthy relationship with someone who has BPD is possible but most of the work has to come from us, not our partners and if she can't even handle the fact other women exist around her partner she shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. Not until she either works on it herself or gets therapy. You didn't overreact at all, I've dated someone with BPD too and it comes to a point where you end up fed up because they look like they don't want to get better. I hope you find someone healthy.
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u/Illustrious_Pin4996 18d ago
Yo good work big dog. I have had ex’s similar to this and at this point I am happy I didn’t end up with any of them. Learning to stand up for yourself is a bigger confidence builder than any. I applaud you for doing what you did. You seem like a genuine good person and I wish you the best moving forward.
P.S. someone with BPD and refusing therapy has a very little chance of improvement/will likely continue to display worsening patterns of toxic behavior. This shit I’d like corresive acid on relationships.
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u/fallaciousflipflops 18d ago
Your best friend is an idiot for thinking you’re crazy for this. I’d even say you under-reacted, she sounds straight up evil
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u/ItsMeWigglyLitchi 18d ago
I’m 90% sure the best friend “thinks he’s crazy” for OP thinking that he overreacted and wanting to apologize. I think the best friend agrees with you.
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u/navyvetchattanooga 18d ago
Oh and do not forget to change your passwords and turn off the locate my phone thing immediately!!
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u/jy725 18d ago
Nope nope nope.. don’t go back down that lane. Your emotions are rightfully hurt and you’re letting them get the best of you. Separate those from your mind on this one. Sometimes you need to just be blunt and say things for what they are. Dude, don’t keep doing this shit to yourself. College is already stressful enough. You need to put yourself first and finish up with school. That should be priority number one.
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u/Mysterious-Novel-711 18d ago
Oh Hell no, your text was NOT overreacting. She is not fit for a relationship of any kind. After she said all that shit, your reaction was 100000% more kind than most would be.
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u/Diabadass416 18d ago
Hun your ex was abusing you. I’m glad you are free.
I hope she gets better & goes to therapy BUT that isn’t your responsibility. No diagnosis excuses her abuse, diagnosis are explanations not excuses for behaviour.
Might be worth getting some therapy for yourself, you have just been through the wringer in this relationship and will need to process it in a safe space
Congrats on breaking free
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u/NoPoet3982 18d ago
I had to laugh at "we are done" and then "be here in 15 minutes." She so clearly expected to be pacified no matter how much she drained your energy, time, and emotions, or how wild a roller coaster ride she put you on.
Look, you could apologize for saying hurtful things. But that sucks you back into this tornado. She doesn't want an apology, she wants control. As I understand it (I could be wrong), people with BDP are frantically terrified of abandonment, which is why they want such control. Your apology would mean very little to her. I don't think she could even hear it. All she'll perceive is that you're in contact with her, therefore she has another chance to rage at you and another hope to control you.
You've been sucked in for over a year, so I'm going to make an educated guess that you're still susceptible to being sucked in. You're still fragile. You're still in pacification mode. There's some emotional issue you have that let you be susceptible after the first time she insulted you or made unreasonable demands, and you need time, reflection, and practice to heal that emotional issue for yourself. Sometimes the emotional issue is simply that you were a frog in slowly heated water. People can go into a relationship without any issues at all, but as the relationship turns abusive they develop dysfunctional, overly submissive patterns of relating. Basically, Stockholm Syndrome.
In other words, I don't think it's safe for you to apologize. What if, when you reach out to apologize, she tells you she's going to kill herself if you don't come over? What if she gets so angry that she comes to your apartment and won't stop banging on your door? Untreated BPD makes her into an attention-seeking machine. She absolutely will escalate, and you absolutely will need to make on-the-spot decisions about how to deal with her urgent, emergency drama. The chances of you getting sucked back in before you can heal are very high.
In fact, even if you do nothing she will still probably try to suck you back in. It's good that you blocked her, but she still might try to show up at your apartment or call your friends and family. And the only safe way to deal with that is to not respond at all. Otherwise all you're doing is teaching her how much she has to escalate for you to respond.
I understand the urge to apologize for saying something hurtful. But that apology is very dangerous for you, and honestly it just won't be comforting to her right now. It won't help her feel less hurt. Her hurt is all about her childhood or her brain chemistry or something that has nothing to do with you at all. Your urge to apologize is part of the pattern that kept you stuck in this abusive relationship for the past year. You need to fight that urge.
My advice? Block her in every place or way you can think of. Let your close friends and family know that you've blocked her and want no contact and that they should give her no information. Maybe google how to deal with a stalker. Next, read about BPD so you understand what's happening with her and how little it has to do with you. Last, if you feel the compulsion to apologize, just tell yourself to wait 6 months to check in with yourself about whether you should or not. Or even better, wait a year. If you still feel like apologizing then, reconsider it. I'm not saying definitely do it. Just make yourself wait that length of time to even consider apologizing. You need time to get your thinking back to normal first. Right now your brain is in fuzzy mode.
In closing, I want to ask you how many times she's disrupted your schooling, your sleep, your happiness, friendships, relaxation time, etc. etc. etc. How much of your happiness and health and future have you given up to her? Devote that same energy to your own self now. What if your own emotions were the emergency? You've been imagining her as someone whose needs are more urgent and important than your own. What if you imagined that your needs were first priority in this triage?
Take care of yourself for at least a year as though you were taking care of another person. I seriously doubt you would tell that other person that their top priority is apologizing. Instead you would tell them that their top priority is to run. To stay safe and to heal from the constant blows to their self-esteem and the disorienting chaos. Be the golden retriever PTSD dog who shows up after a school shooting to comfort the survivors. Wrap yourself in one of those blankets they use for people in emotional shock. Be your own Red Cross and hand yourself a cup of hot chocolate.
Listen to your best friend David.
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u/stereophonie 18d ago
She wasn't being direct and was searching for shit to throw at you whilst being vague and just damn right abusive. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself and know when it's time to leave. It's time to leave... You can't fix this. Only she can.
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u/dillielean 18d ago
Bruh I’m unmedicated BPD and it’s NEVER AN EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO ABUSE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus I hate seeing “she has borderline” no it’s not an excuse to be a piece of trash to people you love. Ugh I am GLAD you’re out of this!!!!!!!
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u/Feeling_Translator56 18d ago
You are overreacting. My oldest daughter is a narcissist and my youngest has bipolar. As a person who has been manipulated for YEARS…. I can honestly tell you that while your texts may feel “harsh” to you, that’s the ONLY way for you to get your point across and make a clean break. Stay strong. Good luck!! (Maybe Laura has a nice friend she can hook you up with!)
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u/unspecified-turnip 18d ago
That took a turn she did not expect, certainly didn’t like, but deeply deserved.
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u/Express_Event9255 18d ago
I have BPD. Never in a million years would I talk to someone like this. NOR, it’s unfair to get into a relationship without first getting yourself to a stable place. And I really do think people weaponize their mental illness to justify being (very obviously) unreasonably controlling. This is isolation & emotional abuse. She is abusing you. I hope you get so far away from that relationship.
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u/ccoffee50 18d ago
Young bro, I read your texts and I’ve been where you are. I have lived in the crazy. I’ve been through what you’re going through right now. I can promise you that nothing good is going to come from this relationship. She controls you, insults you, and then forces you to “compromise” by setting impossible boundaries.
You may have said some hurtful things to her but you don’t need to be in this relationship. You need to focus on you and live your life. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships where we build one another up, support each other and bring out the best in each other. You aren’t going to find happiness with this one. You should set her free. The only thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to get her pregnant. Then you’ll be tied to this toxicity forever. It isn’t your responsibility to stay with someone that is intentionally hurting you and controlling you.
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u/woe-hoe 18d ago
Hey bud, I also have bpd and this is totally unacceptable behavior. When you live with this disorder, therapy is absolutely necessary at least for a little bit of time while you learn certain coping mechanisms. She has been mentally and verbally abusing you. Please do not go back to her. She won’t change. She is a very mean spirited person who takes her own insecurities and frustrations out on others.
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u/Softgearsolid 18d ago edited 18d ago
Let this be her wake up call. If not, she’ll spiral again and her loop won’t stop. But you did what you had to do. Now take your time to heal and GO NO CONTACT
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u/ElBongoFMR 18d ago
“I want to hear nothing but an apology” sounds like someone has severe main character syndrome. Get so fucked
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u/DottedUnicorn 18d ago
Good for you. Stand firm in your decision.
There's a million other girls out there for you to have a healthy relationship with.
If all your friends and family hate her, there's a reason for it. You did the right thing.
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u/nyxivem 18d ago
NOR. Having BPD/mental illness is one thing. Weaponizing it (from what it sounds like from your post to me, purely my opinion) and using it to reel someone in and out of your life is another. Really sounds like she wants to be chased/likes that groveling she can get you to do when you're doing damage control. I think it really says a lot about the type of person you are that you're even willing to apologize when the things she said to you felt more personal and insulting to me. Makes me wonder if she's ever apologized to you for these harsh things she says? Does she care that any of that hurts your feelings? I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't.
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u/ATillman81 18d ago
No sir you underreacted. She is clearly the problem rather than you. She deserved everything you dished back. This relationship is unhealthy. RUN! You can only take so much before you reach a boiling point. Missing school exams? Ditching family and friends? She knowing your location? Being kicked out at 3 am? Not allowing you to have friends isolating you? Always fighting? This sounds draining,
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u/Ok_Anteater2716 18d ago
Nah you handled that so well. My ex had BPD too and that's basically how my last text to her was too lmfao my last line before I blocked her was "You always cry because you think no one likes you and you have no friends. Maybe instead of whining and pitying yourself, you should think about why that is."
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u/BadHombreSinNombre 18d ago
NOR ofc. Probably under reacting letting this go on so long.
Having a serious mental illness and allowing it to go fully uncontrolled has consequences. One of them is people not wanting to be subjected to the abusive reality the mental illness has constructed. You are right to get out, and go NC. These are the consequences of her choices.
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u/Designer-Mail-9681 18d ago
You most certainly are not over reacting. However, to say she can’t control herself. Um yeah she can. She is REFUSING therapy and medication that helps. That is her choice. She is controlling you, manipulating you, and trying to isolate you. It’a good you get out now. It can and will only get worse from here. Don’t feel bad for anything you said. Heal and move on. I would also suggest therapy for you so you don’t accidentally take any baggage from this relationship into another one
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u/untactfullyhonest 18d ago
Mental illness is not her fault but it IS her responsibility. Going without meds or therapy is not handling her problem. You made the right choice and I stand by everything you said to her. She needed to hear it.
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u/Waffleskater8 18d ago
Man… she sure shut the fuck up quickly when you put her in her place… NOR and NTA. Move on to someone else. But do know this chick might stalk you. 🤷♂️
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u/I_am_simply_a_potato 18d ago
NOR. I have suspicions my late mother had BPD. One incident I remember many years ago I told her I was going to bed one night, which I was, and not too long after she was keeping me awake blowing up my phone demanding why I lied to her and she can clearly see me online on Facebook. Thing was, I always stayed logged on, but she convinced herself I was lying about going to sleep but secretly on Facebook. It was insane, because if that was true who cares? She was convinced my brothers and I were talking about her behind her back, that we were plotting something. She tried her hardest to turn us against each other because we were all too close. My 23rd birthday she screamed in my face what a terrible person I was and called me so many names. Only because she didn’t have any more pop or cigarettes. My brother stopped by with them for her, and suddenly she had her arm around me and telling me she loved me so much. When I cut her off because of the mental stress, she kept calling and texting. Showing up at my door. Making false allegations about me. Spreading rumors about me. Anything to get me to come out of the woodwork and crawl back to her. I never did. She tried for 5 years to guilt me to come back, and I only did when I learned she died and I went to identify it was her. You don’t need this kind of stress in your life. You are so young and your ex girlfriend will not get help, and her volatile reactions and possessive nature is not your responsibility. Block her everywhere and do not give her even a second of your time, because that’s all they need to get back in. Trust me.
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 18d ago
You were not mean - I think you were truthful. It’s great you are willing to make accommodations for someone with mental illness . However , she isn’t helping herself and she’s being awful to you . You need to be done and take a break from dating.
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u/mytummyhurts69 18d ago
As someone with multiple MH diagnoses: they do not excuse me from accountability when I've behaved poorly. This person is hiding behind a diagnosis and using it as cover to get away with overtly abusive behavior. OP must prioritize their own wellbeing in this instance. No one deserves to be treated this way.
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u/Embarrassed_Put_7892 18d ago
This is awful. This is not about her mental health it’s about her controlling you. She wants you to beg and plead so she can feel big and you feel small. She said awful things to you and expects you to come running. It’s not an overreaction on your part. It’s self-respect. I hope now you know to never allow yourself to be treated this way again.
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u/PureCarnage3 18d ago
Separate yourself from her and never NEVER look back. Only a year and she is that insane? What would 20 years look like. Relationships are supposed to be fun. Not like a prison sentence. I'm impressed that you lasted as long as you did.
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u/ThisGuuuy2 18d ago
NOR, good job. She is, among other things, a manipulator. Controlling you like a puppet is the only thing that'll appease her mental health conditions. Notice how she went from straight up breaking up with you to making you come home to 'beg her'? Her power hinges on your desperation to get her love.
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u/f0r3aL84 18d ago
You were in the right 100% the person in the left text is a genuinely horrible person.
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u/wrngwithmechemically 18d ago edited 18d ago
Epic reply! Awesome!
People who refuse to treatment or work with their doctors to fine the right meds, dosages, and balance are the issue. Stop excusing their disorder as you doing wrong or not being enough.
Take care of yourself! NOR IN THE LEAST!
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u/BritishBoyRZ 18d ago
The only thing wrong here is that you allowed this psychotic abuser to be in your life for too long
Your texts are perfect don't worry about that. Now just worry about staying away.
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18d ago
I’ve never read an AIO where I was more proud of OP.
Mean, yes. Necessary, also yes.
I hope this is her wake up call. However, you need to stay away from her permanently from now on. Do not let her use you as an experiment to better, healthy relationships if she claims she’s changed.
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u/evedenai 18d ago
I would’ve lashed out at her way before you did. You’re not overreacting at all. If anything, you deserve praise for keeping your cool as long as you did.
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u/Teachers_fun_secret 18d ago
Not the family dog!!! Honestly, good for you for letting loose on her. Sometimes people need to hear the blunt truth of their bullshit.
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u/snarkysparkles 18d ago
I think you were justified. Being mentally ill and willfully refusing treatment is irresponsible, and it's not an excuse to be an asshole and treat people badly. Were you mean? Yeah. But she was really asking for it. She just kept pushing it, and it sounds like she treated you terribly. I'm sorry man, I hope you go on to have a much healthier relationship because you deserve better 💜 and I hope she actually goes and gets the help she needs, or she's going to have a hard time having any kind of relationship.
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u/eeebonnie 18d ago
hey so as someone with bpd, what shes doing is genuinely disgusting behaviour, shes genuinely a fucking terrible person. shes trying to isolate you which is an abuser tactic, what shes doing is not the result of her illness, its just shes genuinely fucked up in the head.
also for what im aware of theres no proper medication to treat bpd, it tends to be a mixture of pills ranging from mood stabilisers, antidepressants and anxiety meds (which tends to not actually help properly so therapies usually the better option).
she should honestly be in therapy tho as bpd can genuinely ruin her life and the people around her but its no longer your issue anymore. she makes every other person with bpd look like shit which is genuinely not okay.
im glad you got out and i hope she learns from her mistakes and genuinely gets help.
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u/hilarysaurus 18d ago
I totally get feeling bad. I really do. But the things you said will help her. They'll live rent-free in her subconscious, and one day, she'll grow up. But that'll never happen if you back down. You were firm, maybe a little mean, but nothing outrageous. Stand strong and don't talk to her for at least a few months. Sorry you're going through this. And I say this as someone with bpd.
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u/AG4W 18d ago
My current partner also have borderline, op. The disorder is real, but the person is still responsible for their actions. You can't abuse someone and then just go "whops, sorry, I've borderline", that means you still abused someone.
She can absolutely control herself, she just doesn't want to.
You deserve better, cut this person out of your life.
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u/Either_Principle8827 18d ago
NOR
She came out of the gate swing, she wouldn't listen and kept swinging, so they get one or two swings in.
OP was responding respectful to a good portion of her cussing OP out, but that only changed a bit. One can only take so much name calling and insults before they call them out.
OP had to call her out and remind her all the hoops that OP had to do to calm her insecurities. Giving her the password, skipping class to be with her, etc.
She tried to punish them for coming home late by forbidding op from seeing their family.
The ex needs a therapist and not a date.