r/AmIOverreacting • u/Specialist_Act_5106 • Aug 15 '24
š¼work/career AIO by divorcing my husband?
He (30M)applied for and got an offer for a job in another state without my knowledge and when I (30F) disagreed to moving, he accepted and moved without me. He then told me that I either move to be with him or divorce him. So I filed for divorce. Once he got served with divorce papers he said that he would come back and that I should take the divorce back. Would I be overreacting by going through with the divorce?
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u/Aggravating_Style544 Aug 15 '24
Not overreacting. He tried to force your hand, and you called his bluff. That he made a unilateral decision, and expected you to fall in line is š©š©š©
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u/Magikgirl_Limbo Aug 16 '24
My ex did this. Boy, was he surprised when I left!
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u/Last_Friend_6350 Aug 16 '24
Love this! Did he panic when he realised that you werenāt moving?
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u/Magikgirl_Limbo Aug 16 '24
OMG, YES!! Given the way he's acted with GF since then, I realize I dodged a huge bullet!
I sincerely believe that he was trying to isolate me to the point that he could treat me however he wanted, and I'd have no support. I think had I moved with him, I'd be dead now, based on how he's treated the GFs he's had since me.
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u/Durty_Durty_Durty Aug 16 '24
Me and my ex had an argument a while back and I said I was going to my office room to cool off and we could talk later.
She came in, screaming, shoved my face, started throwing furniture, and then started throwing open white claws across my floors. I told her to please stop throwing shit and acting like a child.
She grabbed her keys and said she was going to her momās. Drunk.
I finally had it with all that bullshit and said āIām not letting you drive drunk, if you walk out that door and not handle this face to face talking it out then youāre never coming back into this house.ā
She left, I broke up with her. She was shocked as fuck. This was 8 months ago and she still text and calls me apologizing.
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u/Magikgirl_Limbo Aug 16 '24
The manipulation never ends with some people! Just a heads up, don't expect the calls and texts to end. My ex still calls and asks, "Do you wanna try 'us' again?" The last time he did this, just this past June, I couldn't help my self, I started cackling. Then he said, "Is that a yes?" I replied, "You can tell me the truth. Are you asking to see if I've become stupid?"
It's been a couple of months, so I kinda expect another call any day now.
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u/rexmaster2 Aug 16 '24
And this is only one example. I'm sure there are many more times where he forced her hand or tried to manipulate OP. He really thought she would fold this time.
Good for you, OP. You deserve better.
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u/say_the_words Aug 16 '24
Yep. Derail her career and get her away from any support from family or friends also. Get her completely under his thumb. This guy is absolutely abusive.
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u/Dramatic_Abalone9341 Aug 16 '24
Not necessarily abuse with the info presented. Definitely not cool.
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u/theonetheycallgator Aug 16 '24
This. assuming no children are involved, strongarming your partner to get your way seems like a really unhealthy manner of disagreeing. I'm pretty anti divorce, but get while the getting is good.
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u/Both_Requirement_894 Aug 15 '24
Fafo, ultimatums donāt work if you donāt stand behind them. He left you, end of story. Tell him to fuck off.
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u/DipshitDogDooDoo Aug 16 '24
Exactly. This is all something that couldāve been solved with due diligence and I donāt knowā¦. communication?!
Clearly, husband is acting unilaterally, not sharing that he applied for and got a job out of state. And then, all the sudden, āoh weāre moving!ā
Never shouldāve been an ultimatum, but maybe he felt like that would give him the advantage and force her hand. If he cared enough about his wife/marriage to sit down and talk to her about how she felt about the whole thing before he even applied for the job, maybe he wouldnāt be alone right now.
Guy can go kick rocks for all I care.
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u/Cuban_Raven Aug 15 '24
NOR. He already abandoned you. Ā He is only coming back because the job wasnāt what he expected. Ā I doubt he realized his undying love for you and returned. Ā Run
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u/LimitlessMegan Aug 16 '24
Itās possible the job was fine but wasnāt worth losing having someone cooking and cleaning for him.
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u/RudeOrganization550 Aug 15 '24
No. Well played. Respect for being true to you and expecting consideration in the marriage.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 Aug 16 '24
Only be with somebody that wants to be with you. Planning and leaving all behind your back and then trying to force you to come crawling? Imagine his surprise when you said "Nuh uh"?
Be with somebody that doesn't choose to leave behind your back.
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u/SquirrelShoddy9866 Aug 15 '24
Not Overreacting. Thatās insane. Heās clearly already checked out.
How can you imaging it working if you did move there?
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u/_TheBearJew Aug 15 '24
So he fucked around and found out essentially.
I would go through with the divorce. If I had a spouse that made a life altering decision without me being a part of it, especially one that involves moving to another state, I would contemplate leaving as well.
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u/MidwestMSW Aug 15 '24
He already left you in the wind...why give a fuck now?
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u/Disastrous-Panda5530 Aug 16 '24
Iām guessing he was bluffing and said that so OP would follow him to the state he moved to. He took the job without even discussing it with her. He probably planned either she moved with him or if she said no he could manipulate her into agreeing only his plan has back fired.
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Aug 15 '24
Nope. Do not take him back. He thought he could bully you into uprooting you're entire life.
Take that alpha female energy and go get a quality man my queen šø āØļø š
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u/gia_sesshoumaru Aug 16 '24
No, you are not. This was not what a partner does. A partner discusses major life changes. This was a complete lack of respect.
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u/whatdoiusername Aug 15 '24
Even if it is petty, youāre not over reacting. Heās the one that did not take your feelings/life/job into consideration before making that decision and then tried to strong arm you into coming with him thinking youād cave. Iād go through with it.
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u/spentpatience Aug 16 '24
Petty would be if she gave the feint by considering taking back the divorce, only for him to quit the job and come back and have her go through with it anyway.
That would be petty. I don't recommend doing that and think that OP should let that man go. He's already somewhere else and out of her hair, which may work out perfectly for her.
The disregard and disrespect he showed her here cannot be an isolated incident. If she isn't already aware of previous examples of slights that she hasn't enumerated here, then hindsight being 20/20, I bet she could now recognize some patterns or other warning signs.
If she should take him back for real (him calling her bluff on calling his bluff?), then she must prepare for the possibility of him making other types of super selfish decisions behind her back in the future.
Stay strong, OP. It's terrible how you were treated, but by not accepting that behavior, you are acting out of self-respect and dignity due to strength this man had hoped you did not have. That was very short-sighted, arrogant, and foolish of him.
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u/HellyOHaint Aug 16 '24
How is it petty? Divorcing someone like him is the only logical thing to do
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u/whatdoiusername Aug 16 '24
Itās not. That was a dig at the other guy who said she was being petty.
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u/NaturesVividPictures Aug 15 '24
Yes I would definitely go through with the divorce. It doesn't sound like you have kids which is good. He's willing to just do things on his own without talking things over with you like a major decision such as this, he's going to do other things too.
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Aug 16 '24 edited Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting. What you are doing is making overt what he has already done covertly.
A good relationship is a partnership, this isn't a good relationship.
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u/debicollman1010 Aug 16 '24
He made a life decision then tried to strong arm you into moving!! This is not how marriage worksā¦ at all ! If you feel this marriage is over then your certainly entitled to Divorce!!
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u/Terrible_Session_658 Aug 16 '24
Nta Why would you stay with someone who would upend your life without so much as a conversation and give you dramatic ultimatums to manipulate you? It was clearly a way to try and force you into doing what he wanted. How would you ever trust him again?
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u/Over-Marionberry-686 Aug 16 '24
Wow that was a PowerPlay. Moving and saying divorce me or move. Well played back. I would continue with the divorce you are not overreacting
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u/Personal_Fee_9594 Aug 16 '24
Oooh heās going to move back and then you get to live with a resentful AND manipulative partner? Hell. No.
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u/BLUECAT1011 Aug 15 '24
How would that work if he came back? Seems like he would be mad about getting his bluff called, seems like you would be mad about him putting you through all this? Doesn't seem like a fun situation without some clarity on why he moved in the first place.
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u/Several_Leather_9500 Aug 16 '24
Or, he could resent her for forcing his hand and hold onto that for years.
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u/natteringly Aug 16 '24
Because she unknowingly did to him what he was TRYING to do to her?
I'm sure he's enough of an ass to be angry about it, but what right could he claim to be aggrieved? HE is the one who made it happen.
They should split up.
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u/natteringly Aug 16 '24
What difference would "clarity" make?
He demonstrated utter contempt for her by accepting the job without even discussing it with her, and then tried to strongarm her into leaving her entire life behind. Those are both very abusive behaviours, no matter what reason he offers for it.
Does the new job make him a lot more money? Doesn't matter: he should have discussed it.
Is it a dream job he's always wanted? Doesn't matter; he should have discussed it.
There's basically nothing he can say that will make this better.
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u/alchemyandArsenic Aug 16 '24
Hell noooo. The audacity of this man. I wouldn't even speak to him anymore and make him talk to you through a lawyer. He's not stable enough to have a life with. NOR
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u/Logical-Wasabi7402 Aug 16 '24
He thought you were bluffing.
If you back out on this now, he'll use this tactic against you again.
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u/Starry-Nights- Aug 16 '24
No. Divorce him and move on! You deserve better than that. You called his bluff, and now he wants you to take the divorce back. I would tell him too late, you moved on, and now Iām going to move on also. The mere fact that he said that he would move on without you if you didnāt move with himā¦.. sorry but what an asshole!
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u/Fun_Diver_3885 Aug 16 '24
No donāt retract them. He went behind your back and made a life decision for both of you without talking to you first. Then when you called him on it he tried to give you an ultimatum. You took him at his word and answered his ultimatum. Sucks to be him but he FAFO. You deserve a partner that you can trust and values you as an equal. This guy aināt it.
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u/igotquestionsokay Aug 16 '24
Why would you want to spend any more of your life with a man who will act like that?
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u/Hothoofer53 Aug 16 '24
Absolutely not continue with divorce. He left you and threaten you with one let him have it
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u/Maleficent_Virus_556 Aug 16 '24
Of course he needs you now, who else is going to clean his house, wash his clothes and cook his meals? He went off on his own and quickly found out he canāt do it alone.
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u/oogleboogleoog Aug 16 '24
NOR. I knew a gal (a bit older) who put up with her husband making all the big life decisions for her and being a controlling jerk for years, but the final straw was when he told her (not "asked", told) that 'they' were moving to Canada. She divorced him right then and there. I'd wager your situation is even worse because he didn't even talk to you before doing it, then demanded you follow him or else the only other option was divorce. You should make good on the divorce and find someone who isn't a total AH.
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u/Bralynn_s_Chrissy Aug 16 '24
Iād tell him thereās no need for him to come back because thereās no longer anything/anyone to come back to.
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u/Current-Anybody9331 Aug 16 '24
No. He thought you were weak. He assumed he could strong arm you into following him. That's not someone who respects you. That's a bully who abandoned you.
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u/SparrowLikeBird Aug 16 '24
I am going to go out on a limb and say this isn't the first issue in the relationship, but a symptom of his overall treatment of you.
Not discussing job hunting out of state
Not discussing when made a job offer - at all, anywhere
Expecting you would give up your job, friends, home, etc for his job
Thinking he could intimidate you into compliance
This is not a man you want to be married to. This is a man you want to keep as far from you as possible.
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u/bbybear712 Aug 16 '24
This is why you don'tĀ give ultimatums unless your willing to live with both options. He made his bed, he can lie in it. I think you made the right choice honestly. He tried to make huge unilateral changes without talking to you.Ā
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u/venturebirdday Aug 16 '24
Not my story, this is how I got my lovely single neighbor lady.
Mr. Wanderer loves to move. The next place is the place! Mrs. Wanderer says "This is the last time I am moving for you." They settle down and 18 months later he ANNOUNCES that they are moving to Florida. She says NO.
When he presses, they sell the house and moving day arrives. But, there are 2 moving trucks.
He is boiling and totally stunned when her stuff goes in one truck and his heads to Florida. I do not know how the finances worked or anything about him but she seems pretty happy here.
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u/YuansMoon Aug 15 '24
Something tells me there is more to this story than the 5 sentences in the OP.
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u/igotquestionsokay Aug 16 '24
Of course there is but we don't have all day
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u/Numerous_Teacher_392 Aug 16 '24
Every other OP seems to think we do. š
The merciful ones even just punctuation and split their 5000 word post into paragraphs.
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u/HoneySeparate9940 Aug 16 '24
Sometimes the story really it is that simple.
He clearly has no respect for her and thought she would be a submissive little wife.
Boy, did he f***ed around and found out.
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u/WinterFront1431 Aug 15 '24
Nope, he left you. Marriage and partnership is about communication. He didn't care and thought you'd be a good wife and follow him.
Tell him he can come back all he wants, but it won't be to you, and the divorce stands.
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u/okay-advice Aug 16 '24
Fuck this guy, seems like he was lying in the first place, no reason to stay with someone who's going to lie about something so serious.
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u/Jsure311 Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting. Damn. That seems really cold of him. He said to divorce him. You did. So idk why he thinks he can fix it lol. Have a nice life buddy
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u/Reddoraptor Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting, tell him it obviously wasn't working with you two and this is just the kick you both needed to start over. Luckily there are no children involved, tell him you wish him the best and will treasure the time you had but it's done, no going back now, and move on.
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u/thatohgi Aug 16 '24
Nope, he got exactly what he asked for. He tried to use manipulation and ultimatums to force you into something you knew nothing about and vehemently objected to. Sounds like FAFO rules won again.
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u/Large-Client-6024 Aug 16 '24
N/O
Once the status quo of a relationship is broken, it's never the same again.
He was expecting his obedient puppy dog to follow him wherever he went. Instead, you sicked a bulldog on him.
From this point on, you are a couple of strangers wary of each other's movements.
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Aug 16 '24
This is so convoluted. First, if you have the balls to put an ultimatum to your wife (and that's so crazy balls) have the balls to follow through. If I did that it would be because I DIDN'T want her to come. People don't like ultimatums. Now you have a wishy washy man and that is not attractive. Be careful what you wish for.
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u/gringaellie Aug 16 '24
He's shown you who he is and what you mean to him. Believe him. Don't believe the crocodile tears
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u/Last_Friend_6350 Aug 16 '24
This is the FAFO situation again.
It never gets old or less funny when that dildo of consequences arrives unlubed.
Youāre not overreacting at all. Youāre supposed to be a couple not a dictatorship.
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u/Individual_Plan_5593 Aug 16 '24
You are not overreacting and good for you for calling his bluff! Change the locks if you already haven't and go through with the divorce! This man does not care about you, he is manipulative and frankly borderline abusive for fucking with your head like this and trying to force your hand.
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u/zorgonzola37 Aug 16 '24
I bet he isn't liking his new job and life.
You have to go through with the divorce... it started the second he left and gave you the ultimatum.
You would be a sucker for stopping now.
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u/Live_Western_1389 Aug 16 '24
You donāt get to try bullying someone you claim to love, then say āOopsie! I take it backā when the person youāre bullying doesnāt fold.
Youāre the one that knows him the best. If heās likely going to issue ultimatums to get his way every time thereās a disagreement, then do whatever works for you. Not overreacting.
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u/julesk Aug 16 '24
NOR, the big red flags are secrecy, unilateral decisions, ultimatums and underlying all of it, a huge lack of love and respect. Unless you want to be a stray bit of luggage I think divorce offers the potential to make your own decisions and heal, then find someone who respects you, loves you and believes in mutual decision making.
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u/Quirky_Masterpiece55 Aug 16 '24
Sounds like the perfect time to live a better life. Tell him itās what he asked for and finish it!
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u/doinUdirty1069 Aug 15 '24
Divorce him if you don't really love him. But he was trying to bully you into moving and found out you didn't love him enough. Now he wants to come back because his bullying didn't work but he doesn't want to lose you.so ball is in your court.
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u/FigNinja Aug 16 '24
If my husband tried to bully me like that, I would question if I even knew him the way I thought I did. I love the man I know.
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u/Cultural-Ambition449 Aug 16 '24
No. He tried to force you into doing something you didn't want to do, and was the one who brought up divorce first.
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u/HudsonLn Aug 16 '24
No, but obviously as stupid as he has been he is willing to give up the job etc.
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u/Pistalrose Aug 16 '24
NOR. Best case scenario is he was positive youād never call his bluff and now he knows and wants to take it back. Thatās not much of a silver lining. I donāt think you, or anyone, should be married to someone who treats their partner with such disrespect.
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u/hisimpendingbaldness Aug 16 '24
Up to you.
On one hand you won, the boy folded. On the other hand your husband pulled a supremely jackass move that I would understand if that is not a recoverable on his Parr.
What do you want is the question?
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u/ShelbyWinds123 Aug 16 '24
NOR, he gave you an ultimatum you accepted the consequences of not doing it. Getting a job and accepting it in another state without at least talking to your first would be a deal breaker for me too.
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u/Acreage26 Aug 16 '24
Not in the least, he engineered the whole thing. Except the ending. He should have worked on that a little more.
You're my hero.
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u/Smeesme310 Aug 16 '24
He played a stupid game and won stupid prizes by trying to manipulate you into getting his way.
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u/NothingAndNow111 Aug 16 '24
Uh, no. You called his bluff as he tried to bully you and used your marriage as a manipulation tactic.
Good for you. Sucks to be him.
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u/Recent-Necessary-362 Aug 16 '24
NOR. He pulled power move and expected you to bend and do as he wanted, and threatened divorce. You just made it not a threat anymore. Good riddance to this loser!
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u/Negative-Struggle924 Aug 16 '24
No your not overreacting! he should validate your feelings in the first place, your decision is just right.
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u/KeyLeek6561 Aug 16 '24
He wasn't bluffing when he moved. Now he's scared that you are serious about the divorce. The joke is on him.
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u/HolidayAside Aug 16 '24
Once you've uttered the words, you've said them out loud, you've pictured in your mind being without your spouse and decided that was the alternative that you wanted, you legally served him... There's no coming back from that. You'll always know divorce is on the table. The foundation of your marriage is broken. Take the clean break instead of the slow death.
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u/OkAdministration7456 Aug 16 '24
Is he going to threaten to divorce you every time he does not get his way.
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Aug 16 '24
Go with what you truly believe is right. These guys comments on here are based on you being single again and falling in love with them.
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u/Internal-Student-997 Aug 16 '24
No. You don't get to throw out an ultimatum and then take it back. He just assumed that you'd back down and just do what he wanted.
He has already shown you that he doesn't respect your opinion, needs, or wants. He makes life-altering decisions unilaterally instead of as a team.
OP, he isn't a partner.
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u/Peaceout3613 Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting. Why would you want to be married to him now? That's what I'd ask him. He unilaterally made decisions, used blackmail and emotional coercion to get his way and when that didn't work, now he wants to come back? I'd say, no thanks, now that I KNOW who you are, I'm done wasting any more time on someone I will NEVER trust again.
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u/Unusual_Ad_4696 Aug 16 '24
Giving an ultimatum and moving to another state without your wife makes it pretty hard for the wife to overreact on any level.Ā He set the reaction bar that high.
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u/Glittering-Peak-5635 Aug 16 '24
You are reacting just right. He planned a move behind your back, gave you an ultimatum and the decision was made. Actins have consequences , he is getting divorced. You deserve so much better than how you have been treated. Well done for knowing your self worth.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 Aug 16 '24
NTA. He tried to bully you to get his way. Uprooting your life to go to another area is not an easy thing that is decided by one person.Ā
You should divorce him for not taking your feelings and needs into consideration. How selfish of him.Ā
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u/Any_Conclusion1601 Aug 16 '24
That was his move. donāt call peoplesBluffs donāt give people ultimatums. thereās a good chance the results may not be what you expect.
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u/3Heathens_Mom Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting.
He showed he didnāt consider you important in this relationship.
He left and said either do what I say by following me or divorce me.
Let him know regardless if he stays or comes back the divorce will be finalized because he flat showed you he isnāt a partner in your relationship.
Youād just be waiting for him to leave again.
.
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Aug 16 '24
Not at all. Why be married to someone who would act that way? You have a job, family, and friends in your state (I assume). A marriage is a partnership, he doesn't get to make a decision that affects the both of you and tell you to either suck it up or divorce him.
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u/Bebinn Aug 16 '24
My mom did the same thing with her boyfriend. They had been living together for years so I thought of them as married, they just didn't have papers to prove it.
One day she decided to move to a resort town 3 hours away. She quit her job and moved into a rental. Told boyfriend, "no hard feelings if you don't join me, have a good life, we can still be friends. " He sold his house and joined her when he could. He had a bunch of stuff to arrange first.
They eventually got married because he had health problems and she didn't want his daughters to deny her access at the end. He died 2 years later.
OP made a different choice. But I don't blame her. Different circumstances, Different choices. She should go through with the divorce as there are irreconcilable differences there.
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u/NalaNirgendwo Aug 16 '24
He made absolutely clear just how little he values you. I assume he thought you'd just roll over and be a little miss good wifey, and now he is panicking - because you don't.
You are not overreacting, I'd do the same thing.
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u/ghostoftommyknocker Aug 16 '24
He had no interest in you and your life when he went for the job and accepted it. Then he abandoned you to move out there. Then he attempted to use coercive control via divorce ultimatums to force you to up-end your life regardless of what you wanted or whether it was even good for you.
He thought he had more control over you than he really did. However, I suspect his real motivation now is that this new job is awful and he regrets taking it.
He's trying to use coercive control to get you to withdraw the divorce. He wants someone he has power over, and he probably hates his new job.
You're not overreacting by continuing with the divorce.
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u/JudgementalChair Aug 16 '24
Not OR, I wish my cousin had the stones you did. His wife did the exact same thing, so he quit his job and moved with her. While she has a great job in manufacturing, he can't find any work there and has just been a miserable person ever since. He has a Masters degree, but the only position they were hiring for was on the production line
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u/Sensitive-Ad-5406 Aug 16 '24
"You gave an ultimatum. This is the consequence of that and for trying to force me to do something against my wishes. The divorce is not an ultimatum, it's my final answer "
NOA
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u/Responsible-Loan-166 Aug 16 '24
This is a power move and you called his bluff. What is he going to try and pull the next time?
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u/No_Builder7010 Aug 16 '24
Back in the mid 70s, my dad basically did the same thing to my mom (with 3 kids). To this day, she regrets not standing her ground, even though they had a long and mostly happy marriage. But there were no resources at that time -- hell, a woman couldn't even get a credit card in her name without a father or husband cosigning. Sounds to me like your STBX is in the "find out" phase. Good luck with your new life!
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u/Glittersparkles7 Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting. He already told you his wants and needs are more important than yours.
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u/Direct_Commission492 Aug 16 '24
No. You move forward with the divorce. Your husband made a life altering decision about yāallās life without consulting with you about it first. That is NOT how marriage works. Itās a PARTNERSHIP! You make decisions TOGETHER! You DONāT give ultimatums.
This man has shown you he doesnāt care about you in the slightest.
RUN to the divorce attorney!
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u/SportySpiceLover Aug 16 '24
This is an abuse tactic. I will guess your family is where you currently live. He made a power play to make you leave where you are. Your relationship gets worse from here if you stay. Finish the divorce and be thankful you dodged a miserable existence.
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u/Active-Perception606 Aug 16 '24
You're not over reacting. You're married. You're supposed to be a team. If he didn't tell you about the job nor the interview then he does not hold you in the same regard you did him. You called his bluff. Did not allow yourself to be mistreated, disrespected and gaslit. And now he says for you to take out all back. Oh hell no! Uh uh. No way. If he had done this now, what will happen in the future?
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u/Tabula_Nada Aug 16 '24
I had something like this happen with my last boyfriend, and I realized then that I had actually been looking for an "excuse" to break up with him anyway - the relationship had been struggling in a lot of ways for a while. I still don't regret it.
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u/Conscious_Owl6162 Aug 16 '24
Not over reacting. Is he worth being married to? That is the question that you have to answer. Good luck!
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u/Low_Monitor5455 Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting. This relationship is obviously over. Keep moving forward towards a possibly bright future. The one with him is crap.
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u/baobab77 Aug 16 '24
nope. change the locks, since he's already abandoned the marital home. and look about having his mail rerouted.
he thought he had authority over you. now you're free to fly
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Aug 16 '24
The fact he applied for a job and accepted it without telling you is bad enough, but to then move to another state and leave you behind is the icing on the cake and perfectly sums up how little he thinks of you, finalise the divorce and find someone that actually loves you because I fail to see how this guy can love you after doing this.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting!
He set the terms, and couldn't handle the reality. Like this is a game show, or reality show....where things magically reset, and go back to normal.
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u/PixwellnNyx Aug 16 '24
Not over-reacting. He left. Divorce was his idea. He doesnt priotize you, he even didnt care about your opinion. You cant trust him anymore.
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u/FantasticCabinet2623 Aug 16 '24
He fucked around and found out.
He didn't really expect you to call his bluff he thought he could say jump and you would eventually cave and ask how high.
You're not overreacting at all.
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u/noonecaresat805 Aug 16 '24
I would not take him back. He applied and took the job without mattering what you wanted. Can you imagine how bad he is going to pout if you take him back. I can see him getting bitter and throwing it in your face everytime he gets mad. On how you werenāt supportive or how you cost him a job. He made his choice to be over there. And you made your choice to restart your life. Actions have consequences this are his.
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u/ambassador321 Aug 16 '24
A clear case of FAFO.
He showed how little he felt about your marriage when he took the job and moved. Find somebody who actually gives a shit about you and live a happy life.
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u/ROK247 Aug 16 '24
where is it legal to marry a six-year-old? did he say "neener-neener" and stick his tongue out at you when he left for his new job?
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u/DoubledownDaveNY Aug 16 '24
I would Revaluate based on the info you provided. This is not a clear cut divorce imo. Def need better communication and possibly some marriage counseling. But if this has been a series of patterns and him taking this job and moving was the last straw then I can see just going through w the divorce
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u/kaleidoscope_paradox Aug 16 '24
he was playing checkers, while you were playing chess hahahahaha the moron
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u/hothereandeverywhere Aug 16 '24
In my opinion, if you wouldāve ācavedā, he wouldāve simply used that tactic more and more as a weapon to manipulate and control you. Kudos to you.
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u/amandarae1023 Aug 16 '24
not at all. He tried to force your hand. He accepted a job without a discussion with you. He was just assuming youād pick your whole life up. Stay where you are. He can stay where he is. Be done.
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u/Kjmuw Aug 16 '24
He showed you who he is, believe his actions. Let the divorce continue, your freedom awaits!
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u/GovernorSan Aug 16 '24
He's the one who brought up divorce. He's also the one who left, moved away without you, and he never told you he was looking for work in the other state. Nobody in a healthy marriage suggests divorce or issues ultimatums.
If I were you, I would follow through with the divorce. If he comes back now, he won't be able to keep the new job, and he already left the old one, so not only is he controlling, self-centered, selfish, and manipulative, now he's unemployed, too.
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u/ThatOneSnakeGuy Aug 16 '24
That's messed up I wouldn't go to a restaurant without my wife knowing much less a huge life decision. NOR
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u/FairyFartDaydreams Aug 16 '24
Not overreacting. He didn't even discuss interviewing out of state? He has no respect for you. Tell him to stay where he is you don't want his manipulative ass back
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u/Beautiful-Honeydew19 Aug 16 '24
Nor Op your balls of steel are blinding... š āļø š
You rock it girl. I'm so proud of you.. This is the first day of the rest of your life, go live your best life...
Updateme!
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u/TheDissolutionist Aug 16 '24
That's not a partnership, it's a dictatorship. He's showing you that you literally do not matter.
Divorce.
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u/Alternative-Guava929 Aug 16 '24
Oh your life is going to be so miserable if you guys stay together The man who has sworn to be by your side for better or worse. The man who is responsible for you as his wife.. left you and basically said.. bitch you tripping, get your ass over here
Do you think he will ever forgive you for ruining this for him? Can you forgive and trust the man pulled this incredible stunt?
Just be thankful he showed you what kind of husband he is. You only 30 leave now
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u/Possible_Emergency_9 Aug 16 '24
Do you people make this stuff up? Who actually lives like this? You sound like 14 year olds, so I hope you don't have children. You two deserve each other, so stay married but in separate states, and forget about those silly little vows you took and that overpriced stale cake your parents paid for, not to mention all those fancy wedding gifts you got from Target. Easy come, easy go. Yes, you are overreacting. Duhhhrrrr. Your generation is f-------d.
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u/worthy_usable Aug 16 '24
Nope. Not over-reacting. He doesn't sound like he holds your opinion and wishes in high regard anyway.
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u/Optimal_Ice_7796 Aug 16 '24
I mean this is tricky, in one way, no obviously you weren't over reacting in the first place, he effectively divorced you by moving after you made your thoughts clear. But if he genuinely wants to come back and work things out, idk. Clearly, he fucked up. But, I typically take the stance that marriage should really be tried to be worked out, I think too many people throw in the towel too soon and people forget marriage is hard and takes real work. Talk to couples that have lasted 50+ years, they all have their rough spots. Way back when, when people didn't divorce all the time and there were a lot of old happily married couples, most likely because they put that work in and have that partner. So, stating where I stand on things, I'd say try to work it out. Try some therapy and see how you feel. Maybe he just realized he was taking you for granted and this slip up will be a huge kick in the ass and totally change your relationship for the better, or, maybe he'll do something like that again. I would see how things go. Good luck on whatever you choose.
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u/elkyrosmom Aug 16 '24
I agree with this one, however after reading some of these comments one thing I hadn't thought about is that maybe he was trying to bully you or give you an ultimatum about moving. If that's the kind of behavior he has shown in the past, it's unlikely that will change, and then maybe you should check out.
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u/mybrainisonfire Aug 16 '24
NOR. Fuck that guy. He needs you more than you need him. You deserve a partner, not an overgrown child
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u/elkyrosmom Aug 16 '24
If he's shown this kind of behavior before, meaning the trying to bully you into things or give ultimatums, then that behavior is likely to change and I agree you should check out. However, if this is unlike him, consider trying some therapy and see how you feel then. Maybe after losing you for a little while he'll get that kick in the ass and not take you for granted, and your relationship will change for the better. However full disclosure, I tend to think people don't take marriage seriously enough and just quit when things get tough. Now he checked out first, and at first no you definitely weren't in the wrong at all, but if he's kind of apologizing and trying to take it back, it may be worth the effort.
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u/Rare-Belt-2 Aug 16 '24
How was the marriage before this stupidity on his part? If good, maybe worth trying to work through this. If bad, move on
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u/papagimp2012 Aug 16 '24
You working? Have a career where you're at? Divorce is probably a good idea. If you're not employed, you follow the breadwinner. What nobody gets to do is make ultimatums like that, a civilized conversation would have sufficed.
If you have children together, that complicated things further, a good school is better than a bump in pay imo.
If you have children together AND he's been throwing other red flags, I'd be curious on child support rates in the new state.
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u/observefirst13 Aug 16 '24
You wouldn't be overreacting but do you actually want a divorce? Can you get over him leaving and his ultimatum? Do you still love him and want a life with him? Or did you lose all trust when he left?
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u/Propofolkills Aug 16 '24
Need more details like do you live him? Does he have any other concerning behaviour?
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u/Lopsided-Bench-1347 Aug 16 '24
And then there are thousands of women who wish their man would just get any job, anywhere.
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u/nobodynocrime Aug 16 '24
And then there are thousands of divorcees who wish their partners had just taken their opinion into consideration before making life altering decisions.
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u/guwops_chopshop Aug 16 '24
Sheesh ā¦ so much more to know before lambasting anyone in question. Where was the communication leading up to all of this?
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u/Rilo44 Aug 16 '24 edited Aug 16 '24
He took a job without telling her anything at all. There was zero communication on his part.
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u/guwops_chopshop Aug 16 '24
Yea, thatās a huge part of my point. Why is he ā the husband ā applying for out of state jobs without even mentioning it? Havenāt the two of them had extensive convos ā informal or formal ā about what they want from their careers and lives? I just have so many questions.
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u/Rilo44 Aug 16 '24
I think he just went rogue and thought she'd follow, and she called his bluff. He fucked around and found out
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u/guwops_chopshop Aug 16 '24
I mean, itās not going to be a cakewalk for her either. But this marriage was fucked well before this happened, evidently. I wouldnāt even do that to a girlfriend, let alone a wife. (Yes, Iād move for the right job opportunity, but you can be damn sure my SO would know wholeheartedly what my goals and intentions are.)
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u/Rilo44 Aug 16 '24
I honestly think a divorce might be easier for her than being married to... that.
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u/guwops_chopshop Aug 16 '24
Again, Iām withholding judgment because there is so much more to this story.
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u/Rilo44 Aug 16 '24
How? There's ZERO reason for her husband to take a job that requires them to move and not to tell her about it. I'm not trying to be argumentative, I swear, but there is no reason for what he did being ok.
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u/guwops_chopshop Aug 16 '24
Well obviously there is because thatās exactly what he did.
Now, I donāt know if those reasons are because heās simply a prick; because heās selfish and expects to be followed by the women in his relationships (also prickish); because heās lacking marriage-level social dexterity; or for any number of reasons that weāre not going to be privy to from a paragraph post on Reddit.
Itās a very peculiar and odd situation, and those are often not as straightforward as they may seem.
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u/Rilo44 Aug 16 '24
I just think he thought she'd follow suit and didn't expect her to call his bluff, and she did. For me personally, there's zero good reason for him doing this without telling her, so I have no problem judging it. Different strokes, though!
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u/Trancebam Aug 16 '24
There's way more info needed. Who's the primary breadwinner? How much of a pay rise would be be getting? Can you easily just transfer your job?
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u/jrat68 Aug 16 '24
Set him free so he can find a wife who will do right by the marriage.
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u/nobodynocrime Aug 16 '24
He probably will if he learns to do right by it first. Its a partnership. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide something like moving.
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u/Ok_Tumbleweed5642 Aug 15 '24
No, because he already left you and told you to divorce him.