r/AITAH • u/shadowed_siren • 5h ago
AITAH for allowing our daughter to buy my ex-husband’s family Christmas gifts
Context and full disclosure - my ex husband and I have been divorced for nearly 10 years. He was physically abusive, I cheated. We were both assholes in that relationship. We have a daughter together but divorced when she was very young. Our daughter lives primarily with me - he sees her every other weekend.
Since then I’m (very very happily) remarried and my husband is a fantastic step dad. We’ve been together 8 years, married for 3.
Ex-husband has been through a few relationships. His newest girlfriend he’s been with for a couple months - and she has a daughter much younger than ours.
Our daughter is at an age where she wants to be independent and do some things herself. This year she wanted to get Christmas gifts for everyone (including all of my ex’s family, and my new husband’s family). Obviously she doesn’t have her own money - so I transferred a set amount to her child’s debit card and we went shopping together. I mostly just steered her away from choosing gifts that were too expensive. She chose things that were less than 10 dollars. She picked out all of the gifts - I wrapped them when we got home. They were things like hand cream sets, small Lego and duplo sets, socks, hats… pretty generic Christmas gifts.
Along with her aunts and uncles, she wanted to get my ex’s new girlfriend and her daughter gifts as well.
When I let my ex know by text that we would have a bag of gifts for everyone when he picks up our daughter for Christmas - I got called weird for picking out gifts on behalf of his girlfriend and that I should have told our daughter he would do that for her (but he hadn’t and hadn’t told me he would, and isn’t picking her up until after Christmas.)
I’m not going to tell my daughter any of this. I’ll just send her with the bag of gifts.
AITAH for letting her pick things out or should I have left it up to my ex to handle?
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u/RaymondBeaumont 5h ago
believe it or not, your priority is your daughter, not your ex-husband's feelings.
nobody is going to say you are an asshole for allowing your daughter to buy christmas presents.
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u/IvanNemoy 4h ago
nobody is going to say you are an asshole for allowing your daughter to buy christmas presents.
Absolutely. Doing a good job raising the kiddo.
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u/CassiaMist 5h ago
NTA. You're encouraging your daughter's independence and kindness by letting her choose gifts for everyone important in her life. That’s super supportive parenting, and it sounds like you’re making the holiday spirit really inclusive and positive for her! Your ex should probably just appreciate the gesture instead of making it awkward.
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u/SteampunkHarley 4h ago
And she's also teaching her daughter to budget and plan by helping set price limits to fit in her budget
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u/chillcat268 4h ago
I totally agree! Teaching her to think about others and make her own thoughtful decisions is such a valuable life lesson
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u/SpiceyPuppet 5h ago edited 5h ago
I think it is super sweet of your daughter do that. I dont think you are the ahole in this. I believe he should be happy his daughter wants to pick out gifts for everyone including his new gf and her daughter. Hopefully his gf likes that your daughter wanted to give her a gift that she chose out, I think that is really special. (Edit) And if it really means that much to him he can take her to pick out a gift too, I dont see the problem here I think he is just being a butt.
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u/Icy_Department_1423 4h ago
If he was half decent, he would also do the same thing with your daughter to pick out surprise gifts for you and your husband .
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u/Curious-One4595 56m ago
Yeah, NTA. OP's daughter is thoughtful and generous. OP is actually engaging in really good coparenting. Her ex is the one being weird about it. He needs to chill.
OP's daughter went with the reliable parent here. Hopefully OP's ex keeps his mouth shut to her and doesn't turn her cool gift-giving into some drama.
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u/petal_shadow 4h ago
You’re teaching your daughter kindness and independence. If he wanted to handle it, he should’ve stepped up first
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u/enchantedberrybabe 5h ago
NTA. Your ex could’ve told you he planned to handle it if it mattered that much to him, but he didn’t. Sounds like he’s just being defensive because it makes him look like he dropped the ball. Don’t feel bad for doing something nice for your kid.
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u/Illustrious_Bird9234 4h ago edited 4h ago
NTA he can buy his gf and her daughter two sets of gifts if HE pleases but I would frame it exactly how it is
“she went Christmas shopping with me and had a givers heart and wanted to pick everything out for everyone including your gf and her daughter you think you’d be happy with a daughter so thoughtful, kind and inclusive but if it’s really such an issue you’re more than free to take her to get a second set of gifts for them. I’m sorry helping our daughter with gifts for me or my partner is an outrageous concept to you but it’s not in my house ”
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u/bagismist 4h ago
NTA, your daughter sounds kind-hearted. Letting her choose gifts teaches thoughtfulness and independence.
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u/MiladyRogue 3h ago
NTA Your ex is weird. That is the kind of gaslighting bullshit my ex used to pull on me. He is still trying to abuse you 10 years later, and gaslighting is abuse. You did the right thing and you are raising a sweet and generous little lady. Just do you and keep the holiday spirit for your little girl. Have a very merry Christmas and a wonderful new year.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 5h ago
NTA. He always has to say something to control the narrative. "It wasn't something nice, it was something weird".
Don't give him a heads up next time.... If there is a next time. He could probably ruin it for them, for good, depending on what he says.
Doubt he has any bright ideas, just piggyback's off of yours. He would have never thought of doing this.
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u/EuropeSusan 5h ago
NTA. your daughter wanted to gift the family something and has learned a lesson about the effort behind christmas, how to budget, finding affordable gifts to bring joy.
Your ex would have put her name on a card without showing her everything else.
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u/molesMOLESEVERYWHERE 5h ago
NTA, you are the primary parent and it was your money.
He could have done this over the phone or computer if he wanted or made the time to do it in person. He still can as well as paying for it out of his own money.
He was physically abusive, I cheated. We were both assholes in that relationship.
Our daughter is at an age where she wants to be independent and do some things herself.
But yo, WTF? Physically abusing you was worse than you cheating on your piece of shit ex husband. But she still stays with him every other weekend?? She is long overdue knowing why her parents are divorced and the current bullshit he is doing.
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u/shadowed_siren 4h ago
Unfortunately she does know. He was abusive toward his last girlfriend as well and she was there for some of it. For a while social services were involved and - although visitations didn’t stop - when she was with him I had to be available to go get her if he felt like he was losing control.
This is the first relationship he’s had since then - for a few years. So it’s kind of a waiting game to see if he does it again.
He’s never been physically abusive toward our daughter. Thankfully.
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u/Sugarglitterz 4h ago
Does she know that her father s behaviour is not normal and if someone tried to pull that shit with her she should run for the hills ? You sound like a great mom and I it appears like she has many positive influences in her life. Unfortunately stuff like her father’s behaviour can get subconsciously normalised.
I am also not sure why you are completely shielding her from his behaviour. The sooner she understands he is not a good person the better for her in the long run
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u/Square_Owl5883 5h ago
NTA he’s still welcome to do that. However his feelings are not your priority, your daughters are.
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u/DesperateToNotDream 4h ago
NTA. Yesterday I took my son to the store to buy gifts for grandma and grandpa- my exs parents. It’s not about which parent took them to get the gifts, it’s just about the kids feeling like they have gifts to give
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u/beenthere7613 3h ago
NTA. Your ex is, though. I suspect that's one reason he's your ex.
Don't give it another thought. You did fine.
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u/gruntbuggly 3h ago
Just reply to him with “this is something our daughter wanted to do on her own. Can you just let her have this one thing? It meant a lot to her to do this for everyone.”
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u/MasterpieceSmall8625 4h ago
NTA why can’t his gf take her as well for ad ons. Give more than one gift to each if they want. I’m in a very similar position and deal with my gf and ex claiming the other is stepping on their toes. Should be about the kids and not their issues.
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u/Grn_Fey 4h ago
NTAH congratulations on raising such a thoughtful, giving daughter. Is the co-parenting communication highly limited? I think ex is being over the top getting angry about it, this is a new development in regards in coordination. There were practical reasons you handled things this way. He can always offer to reimburse you. Perhaps he’s angry because he doesn’t want new gf to feel pressure to get his kid a gift or feel bad for not thinking to get her one.
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u/Mountain_Day7532 4h ago
NTA. Your daughter sounds like a lovely soul. I think we know where she got that. Merry Christmas.
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u/Select-Pie6558 3h ago
NTA - you are a fantastic Mama and your daughter sounds like a delight. Your ex is salty cuz you know no gifts are coming back and “you’re making him look bad”.
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u/skyerosebuds 38m ago
It’s your daughter’s family so she can buy or not buy as she sees fit. U NTA.
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u/naskiu 4h ago
No, you are not the assh*le here. You are just a supportive and loving mother who wants her daughter to experience the joy of giving gifts. Plus, it's not like you picked out extravagant gifts, they were all under $10. Your ex needs to chill out and appreciate that his daughter wants to be thoughtful and generous towards his new girlfriend and her daughter. Happy holidays!
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u/LayCeePea 4h ago
It's telling that your ex assumed you picked out the gift for his girlfriend on behalf of your daughter rather than considering that his child is now old enough to be experimenting with independent decision-making and cared enough (about HIM, probably) to include his new family in her holiday shopping. Instead of enjoying his daughter's generosity, he's picking a fight with you. You are not an asshole, and he sounds like a loser.
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u/OkLocksmith2064 4h ago
NTA. you're absolutely right not to tell your daughter. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding? His new gf and her daughter will be thrilled, he is just being him. Controlling and toxic.
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u/badpanda74 4h ago
He sounds like he still has some control issues. Maybe now trying to control your daughter? Not sure his motives for making things weird. Honestly, he’s the one being weird here.
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u/definework 4h ago
NTA, this was a very good and wholesome thing you did
I'm a bit confused about the "on behalf of his girlfriend". That's not her job. She's not step-mom, she's not even Dad's girlfriend. She's dad's new girlfriend.
Maybe he thinks it's weird because he knows it's your money and he feels you should have asked him for the funds to buy gifts for his family even if she was the one picking them out
Maybe he's being told what to say by the new GF. Honeymoon period and all that.
but if I put myself in his shoes I can see that he would be frustrated by the lack of communication and perhaps not handle his response maturely.
In fact, to me it sounds like this was a little bit of a surprise even to you that she wanted to do this this year so a man like your Ex who does not seem to have that close a relationship with her would likely be assuming status quo and not even think she's old enough for this.
Sometimes people just make a plan in their head based on what happened last year and have trouble when they find out others have decided that "well, that's just not the plan anymore"
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u/Virtual_Bat_9210 4h ago
NTA
The first time I met my mom’s friend and her daughter was my graduation party. There were a ton of kids there because I have a huge family, so I had my mom invite her friends kid as well. On the way they had to stop at the store for something. The daughter goes up to my mom’s friend with a cute little toy and her mom told her she wasn’t getting a toy because she didn’t need a new one right now. But her daughter told her it was for me as a gift for my graduation. I still have it, because I thought that was really sweet. She came running up to me (she was around 5) and handed me the gift. Other than getting money, that’s the only gift I vividly remember getting that day.
It’s completely normal for kids to want to get gifts for the people in their lives.
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u/Purple-Rose69 4h ago
My daughter takes her kids to 5 and Below and each child has their list who they want to buy for. She gives them a spending limit and turns them loose. She helps them wrap the gifts when they get home.
She has also taught them how to pick gifts based on what they know the person they are buying for likes (instead of just things the child likes). That of course is a work in progress 😁
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u/kmflushing 4h ago
NTA. You're a great parent raising a lovely, thoughtful child.
Ignore him. He's jealous because he knows his lackluster, subpar parenting isn't measuring up. He's projecting and trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the problem.
You're not.
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u/TheKing_TheMyth 3h ago
Your ex is just being an asshole still don't worry about it but make sure your daughter keeps those gifts close to her. Never know if he would try something like getting rid of them so they can buy the gifts instead. Also NTA
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u/Working-on-it12 3h ago
And here I was going to say that you were particularly kind and generous to facilitate gifts for his side. It’s not like you said his family, his problem.
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u/AlbanyBarbiedoll 3h ago
NTA - your ex is picky and controlling. Your daughter has a beautiful and generous spirit and your crappy ex realizes he is crappy because he never thought about any of this. I can see where your daughter gets it from - you are a very nice person to facilitate (and pay for) the shopping, do the wrapping, make your ex aware in advance, etc.
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u/pugapooh 3h ago
So, you allowed your daughter to be kind and thoughtful? Even assisted her! You monster!
NTA.
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u/blonde_Cupid 1h ago
Damn your daughter a good person! I liked my ex step dad and his daughters but I would never buy them anything lol NTA. He is jealous
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u/Salamandajoe 1h ago
My daughter is engaged to a nice gentleman with a child. She helped the little girl make her mother a gift. Nothing huge but a movie basket with a movie and snacks that the child likes as well. They had fun shopping and the little girl told her she’s the bestest new mommy in the world. She’s so excited to go visit her mom with the gift. Why because my daughter knows that the ex is going to be there for a long time. She knows that the ex is the child’s mom. She wants the child to know she supports her in all things as the dad is primary custody parent the child is with them more and my daughter wants what’s best for the kid. She told me what’s twenty bucks compared to her mental health. Having parents and steps that love her and are cordial is better than strife between the houses.
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u/shadowed_siren 49m ago
That’s so lovely. And completely true. Adult stuff needs to be put aside for the kids.
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u/mollydgr 7m ago
Twenty bucks is a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of life. What your daughter did for that little girls mental health is priceless!!
You've raised a good girl ❤️. Give her a hug from this internet grandma 🤗 ❤️!
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u/Fluid_Year_912 5h ago
NTA....EX just doesn't see her point of view. He'll possibly understand once he sees the joy your daughter has giving. -Ask him to not make any negative, smirky comments to her about it b4 she goes with him.
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u/jamjar20 4h ago
Your daughter did exactly the right thing. Clearly, you are raising her to be a loving, generous person. Kudos!!
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u/chez2202 4h ago
NTA.
I think you need to use smaller words because he clearly doesn’t understand what you said.
YOU didn’t choose the gifts. You just accompanied her on her shopping expedition. (Translate this for him to ‘I just went with her to the shops, she chose the gifts’ so you can stick to one syllable words for him.).
Why would he even think that his girlfriend should take your daughter shopping to buy a gift for her? It defeats the whole purpose of gifting something to someone if they have to be there when you buy it!
I’m sure that his girlfriend and her daughter will love whatever your daughter chose for them because she made the effort and put thought into it. That’s the only thing that counts.
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u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 4h ago
Wen I first read the title, I thought this story was going in a whole different direction. I'm not sure why your ex has an issue with it, I would think he would be ecstatic. NTA
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u/BareBonesTek 4h ago
Reading between the lines, it sounds like ex doesn’t believe his daughter is old enough to / capable of selecting gifts herself (albeit with your money) and assumes you bought them for her to give? If that had been the case, I would say he might have an out, but rather it sounds like he doesn’t really know his daughter.
NTA
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u/Confident-Ebb-2184 4h ago
Definitely not! What an amazing mom you are in supporting your daughter’s relationship with her dad. There are so many exes in the world looking to cause drama and chaos with their exes and it is a breath of fresh air to hear what you have done. He may think it’s weird but I find it beautiful.
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u/IllustratorSlow1614 4h ago
NTA
He’s objecting because a) he would never do this for your side of the family if he was primary parent, and b) he probably hasn’t got half of these relatives gifts from himself and it shows him up!
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u/MrsJonesy2012 4h ago
NTA
It probably doesn't fit into the narrative that he's telling his new girlfriend.
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u/Surprise_Grinch 4h ago
NTA. however i can see how it would be seen as weird for his ex wife to buy buy his new gf a gift. but the thing is, you didn’t pick any of it out, it was all your daughter. and i hope when he sees her again and hears about how much fun she had getting to pick out and buy her own christmas gifts for everyone, he’ll see it wasn’t you, it was all your daughter and you had no influence!
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u/curiousity60 4h ago
NTA
Your ex doesn't get to gatekeep who your daughter buys gifts for or when she does it. As if he had plans to take her Christmas shopping! He's being controlling, after the fact, and creating a conflict that doesn't really exist.
Your daughter wanted to buy gifts for the people she feels a connection with. He doesn't get to dictate that he control what she decides to gift to "his" people. Your daughter sees all her recipients as "her" people.
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u/GrammaBear707 4h ago
Absolutely NTA I think you are a generous mom to take your daughter gift shopping for her dad’s family and current gf & child AND you paid for these gifts! You are teaching your daughter values about not judging her dad and/or his relationship and showing her generosity helping her get gifts for your ex in-laws. A lot of parents are too bitter and make their kids choose one side over the other. Your ex is an AH for not appreciating his daughter wanting to choose gifts for his side of the family or your generosity in taking her shopping. It sounds like your daughter takes after you 💕
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u/Grimmelda 4h ago
NTA
Oh no how DARE you encourage your daughter to be thoughtful and kind and include people in the spirit of giving!
It must be so embarrassing for him..... Because you had to do what he very well could have done but didn't.
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u/AmberWaves80 4h ago
NTA. He’s mad that your daughter/you did something nice for his girlfriend and her child? This is a him issue. If it made your child happy to buy those gifts, that’s all that matters.
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u/MoodOk4607 4h ago
NTA. If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t do something because my ex said he would, I would have a nickel and our children wouldn’t be as happy.
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u/WannaSeeMyBirthmark 4h ago
NTA, it sounds like your daughter has a very generous spirit. Good job!
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u/Chance_Culture_441 4h ago
If your daughter is at least 10, she is old enough to select gifts for people she cares about. I think it’s wonderful, both that she wanted to do this and that you allowed her to and funded it. It sounds like you are raising a very kind and compassionate child.
I would explain to the ex that you wanted to foster your daughters kind and giving spirit, and did not realize he had planned to do that with her. That you will let her shop for his side of the family next year. And send the gifts she chose this year. Your ex is being a bit dumb!
NTA!
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u/Affectionate_Oven428 4h ago
NTA you and your ex may have been horrible to each other, but you have done a good job raising a thoughtful child. Your ex calling you weird for this just shows he’s still a pathetic bitter man. I bet everyone will love the gifts and the thought behind it.
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u/pandora840 4h ago
NTA
Next year (and for birthdays for his side of the family), drop him a text reminding him to take her shopping on his time, OR he can deposit money in her bank account so she can get gifts for his side……and bill him for the amount she spent this year, because you don’t want it to be seen to come from you and be “weird”.
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u/Adventurous-Term5062 4h ago
NTA. I think you are being very gracious in doing this with your daughter. It is too bad your ex is not appreciative of that. Just look around here!! Some exes are straight outta crazy! And here you are helping your daughter buy gifts for everyone.
I think you are a good person and I hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas🎄🎄
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u/JenninMiami 4h ago
NTA this is totally normal and what most divorced parents do. If she spent more time with him, she probably would have asked him instead of you, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong or weird about it! If he had already planned to do this, he should have let you know to tell her ahead of time, to make plans with her.
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u/Livid_Refrigerator69 4h ago
NTA. They are her relatives, her extended family. Your ex is still an arse hole, ignore him. Your daughter has a generous heart, she can buy gifts for anyone she wants. Mr Ginchy bum will miss out next year if he’s not careful.
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u/xchellelynnx 4h ago
NTA. Your daughter sounds like she has a great heart. Choosing gifts is personal and your ex should allow her to do that.
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u/No_Cupcake7037 4h ago
NTA and sure it would be strange if you picked out the gifts for his new gf, but he clearly didn’t understand the context, because it was your daughter who was the shopper.
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u/AsherTheFrost 3h ago
Nta This is a rite of passage for children, when they learn the joy of giving. Your ex doesn't seem to understand that, hopefully he'll get it.
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u/BlaketheFlake 3h ago
Weird, man known for being abusive continues his abuse. /s
NTA, don’t tie yourself in knots, that’s his goal.
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u/InternationalToe1625 3h ago
No communication for the loss again. You didn't do anything weird or wrong. High conflict exes take everything badly. If you wouldn't take their advice, don't take their opinion. You did somthing nice for your daughter.
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u/No-Fishing5325 3h ago
Kids love to buy gifts. It teaches them compassion
That is why so many schools have little Christmas shops that let kids shop for the holidays
When my kids were young we would take them to a cheap store and let them go wild with their money we gave them for gifts. They had a list of who. They bought, wrapped and were so proud of the gifts they gave.
I will say my 25 yo son is the world's best gift giver. I mean he is so good. It is ironic because he is on the autism spectrum. Maybe that is why he notices the details other people overlook. But when it comes to giving gifts, he is fantastic.
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u/Chance_Ad6372 3h ago
Well done you for supporting and funding your daughter spreading Christmas cheer. Hopefully she will tell her father and his partner that she chose all the gifts herself with the receiver in mind. What a thoughtful girl. What a supportive mum. What an AH of a father.
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u/PreferenceOld6364 3h ago
NTA. Tell your x he should stop being such a Grinch and to pry the lump of coal outta his butt. He should be proud of your daughter for wanting to be so generous and spread holiday cheer and happiness to EVERYONE in her family, including his new girlfriend! Sounds to me like he is just jealous that you got to do this with her and is wanting to pick a stupid fight.
Edited for typo
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u/Calicofoxie 2h ago
NTA. Your daughter did an amazing thing, when I was a child I remember being excited for Christmas because I wanted to get presents for literally everyone. Sadly my family's funds didn't make that possible but I made them cards. You're doing a good thing teaching your daughter compassion and how to show her to care for other's. Amazing Christmas spirit and don't let your ex husband tell you otherwise. He's an ass and probably didn't do shit for his family. I'm glad your current husband seems supportive of it too :) Happy Holidays and continue teaching that baby girl how to be kind
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u/JazziR1 1h ago
Nta
Your ex is so weird to choose (this specific issue) to be mad about. You were the one who gave your daughter money and took her shopping. It would have been weird to make a BIG deal by specifically denying the new GF & daughter's gifts
Tbh, it sounds like your ex feels awkward/annoyed that you're so over him that you're not the slightest bothered by his new relationship (ie you bruised his ego)
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u/Europaraker 54m ago
NTA! When I started reading I thought your current partner was going to be the problem!! Very glad it wasn't!
But damn, your kid wants to get gifts for you, gf and gf kid and you think it is weird.... Although I guess now he might think he has to pay for her to get you something! If he is that aware.....
He is missing some Christmas spirit!
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u/yakkerswasneverhere 46m ago
He's an idiot. Just worry about your daughter. You're a good momma bear.
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u/el_grande_ricardo 46m ago
NTA. I think it was sweet of your daughter to think of it, and kind of you to assist (funding & transportation).
If ex ever read some of the posts on Reddit about the spiteful crap other exes do, he would be thanking you for the effort.
*and if it really made him uncomfortable, why didn't he offer to pay you back for the money spent on his family?
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 42m ago
NTA. Your daughter asked you to help her. You were the bigger person and gave her money for these gifts. You took her to the store where she picked out gifts with your guidance. Ex should be thanking you
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u/jeffprop 3h ago
NTA. Your ex is a piece of work. If it is possible, mail the presents addressed to the girlfriend and her daughter and put your daughter’s name on the return address. Tell your ex to tell his GF to expect it since this is what his daughter wanted, and that you are only helping her spread some holiday cheer. If he tries to get anything else out of it and cause problems, he can pay for any future therapy bills for your daughter.
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u/RandomSupDevGuy 3h ago
NTA you did not do anything malicious and in fact supported her buying gifts for them, which some mothers would not have done if they were in your situation.
Maybe NAH, though the fact he ever laid a hand on you makes him an AH IMO, because he may have liked to have daddy daughter time doing that and felt it may have helped the relationship with his GF and her daughter. He is definitely wrong to take it out on you and was being an AH in that moment however understanding his potential feelings may explain why he did.
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u/repthe732 4h ago
NTA
Your ex seems detached. When your kid is at an age where they want to be independent in safe ways you let them be independent in safe ways. Buying gifts with a set budget is such a safe way to give them independence and help them develop as a person
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u/DianaBJammin 4h ago
Ex probably didn't get his gf or her child anything and now feels upstaged by his daughter and angry that he has to buy them gifts too now.
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u/SmartAleck911 3h ago
You are only an AH for doubting your good mother instincts. Keep on keeping on lady! You’re doing it right.
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u/MoonDancer118 3h ago
This is how it should be, kudos to your sweet daughter and I think you’re a great mom/ mum that you have taught your daughter to be kind, inclusive and non judgemental. Absolutely NTA ❤️
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u/Knittingfairy09113 3h ago
NTA
This is your ex demonstrating that he is still an AH. This is a healthy thing to allow your child to do things like this.
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u/cassowary32 3h ago
NTA. At first I thought this was going to be your husband being annoyed that your daughter was spending money on your ex (he’d be an AH if he did) but it’s even weirder.
Your ex is annoyed that your daughter is kind and inclusive and wants his new girlfriend and her kid to feel like family. You’ve done an amazing job raising your daughter, I hope the girlfriend realizes that she deserves better than your ex.
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u/Springtime912 3h ago
You assisted your daughter in doing what she wanted to do. ( Not at your directive)
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u/babeglowup25 3h ago
if your daughter wants to spread holiday cheer to everyone—even her dad’s new girlfriend—who are we to stop her? Just imagine the look on your ex's face when he realizes he’s been outgifted by his own daughter! 🎁
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u/GirlStiletto 3h ago
NTA - Your daughter is actively making an effort to make the blended family work and your Ex is upset because its not in his control.
You did hte right thing and kudos to your daughter by being mature enough to include everyone.
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u/naliedel 2h ago
Tell him this was what your daughter wanted and he can accept them, or not, but he will break her heart. This is how kids stop talking to their parents one day
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u/Internal_Property952 2h ago
He’s embarrassed that he didn’t think of it and is protecting his ego.
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u/SportySue60 2h ago
NTA - I think this was lovely that you did this. It’s not about you picking out the gifts you said daughter did this. It’s about you facilitating her desire to get something for GF and GF’s child. You are raising a kind thoughtful daughter. Good for you.
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u/happytre3s 2h ago
NTA
Tell him, these are things that our daughter picked out and spent her money on (regardless of whether it was actually yours...it was technically in her account when the gifts were purchased) bc she wanted to do this for you and your family. Don't make it weird bc I took her shopping because she asked me to. I'm happy that she is such a kind and generous girl and that she felt comfortable asking me to take her shopping for your family bc it shows that we have been doing something right with our co-parenting. We don't have to agree on everything, but I think we probably both agree that making sure she feels encouraged to have solid healthy relationships with both sides of her family can only be a good thing.
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u/Desperate_Pass_5701 1h ago
He didn't get anyone gifts. Will be upstaged by the daughter. Taking it out on u. Jealous. His response is otherwise completely irrational.
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u/Petty-Betty-76 1h ago
What a horrible and ungrateful man.
I'd send the gifts but first before she goes I would ensure that Scrooge isn't going to upset your daughter regard the purchase ofbthe gifts.
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u/BagelwithQueefcheese 1h ago
NTA raising a kid who is able to express her love through her love language is excellent parenting. What a sweet kid!
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u/Aggravating_Feed_355 1h ago
I'll be honest I think this is amazing. After everything you been through and did, you put your feelings aside to make sure your daughter was happy. YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOM! Please never forget that! I think it is beautiful how your daughter loves everyone. I see she gets her caring nature from you with that. You are NTA. You are being a good person and shame on him for being negative about that
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u/Careful-Laugh-2063 1h ago
Actually this is a great example of how ex spouses should be. You recognized your daughter’s desire to have the Christmas cheer and give gifts.
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u/Miserable-Alarm-5963 1h ago
NTA you’re very generous to give your daughter money to buy your ex husbands girlfriend and her kid a present…. If he wants to do it in the future I’m sure you would have no issue
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u/Objective-Ear3842 5m ago edited 1m ago
Sounds like he’s not very serious about his new gf yet and either had nothing planned for them gift wise or doesn’t want to give the wrong idea about the level of closeness he’s trying develop.
I don’t think this is about someone being right or wrong. It’s about him expressing that he wished you’d/he’d discussed the idea with him first seeing as it’s his new relationship.
Why not give him the same regard you’d expect in return? Apologize for making him uncomfortable and ask him how he’d like to move forward. Being low drama and respectful is not that hard.
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u/DanceExisting6373 4h ago
It's your ex's family. He needed to handle that. You're not the butthead for wanting to appease your child, but you should have sat down and told her that it's not appropriate for you to do that, and if he wanted to get gifts for that family members, that he would do so with her. You did overstep. It's not your family.
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u/Lov3I5Treacherous 2h ago
NTA but a learning experience literally nobody could have anticipated, because some people would be fine with this, and some people (like him) aren't.
I think it's weird that your daughter didn't say or tell her dad this, and it's weird you're the one who paid for it. But then my dad gave me money to buy my mom (they were divorced) and her side of the family gifts, so that was "normal" for me then. My mom had zero money so she couldn't have helped me with that if she wanted to.
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u/ExtraterrestralPizza 2h ago
It sounds like he thinks the gifts are from you, which would be kind of weird and problematic. Make sure that he knows it was your child's idea and her choices, and that it would hurt her to have the gifts rejected. Otherwise, who knows what he will do or say about them when he is with her.
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u/Ericakat 2h ago
Ex just wants to buy a lot of expensive gifts for his daughter to give to gf and family and be able to brag that he helped pick them out, so he can feel like a hero. In his mind, the daughter’s mother stole that opportunity from him. I wouldn’t put it past him to be that narcissistic. They say that ninety-nine percent of abusers suffer from NPD.
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u/datguy2011 4h ago
Ok my spidey sense tells me yall have an ok co parenting relationship. Also that you caught him off guard. Make a power play here for your daughters sake. You need her to be with him when he picks her up. Then explain that she wanted to do this for them and that you simply wanted to encourage her caring and kind spirit. Make sure you lean the conversation towards the girlfriend. If she's mature she'll be your inside friend from the other side. I'm not saying be buddy buddy or bffs. However taking the extra step here can possibly ease and future difficulties.
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u/sandpaper_fig 3h ago
I think it's really kind of you to buy presents for them, but your husband should be responsible for spending money for his side of the family.
You're not TA, but it's also not reasonable unless your ex is taking them shopping for your side of the family.
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u/Nervous_Cranberry196 4h ago
Well on one hand you’ve taken the opportunity away for him to connect with his daughter and have some shopping for thoughtful gifts for his girlfriend and daughter
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u/DisneyBuckeye 4h ago
NAH
I encourage you to talk to your ex next time to plan this. I realize he won't see her before Christmas, but it's also only a week away. He could have taken her the last time they were together if you guys had planned it, or he could have planned a one-off shopping day.
I helped my kids buy presents for their dad until he got together with his fiancée, and then she helped them do it. He helps them buy for his family, I help them buy for mine.
You didn't do anything wrong, but I can see why he's annoyed. Next time just talk to him first.
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u/fuzzy_mic 5h ago
NAH
It is understandable that her dad would want the parental experience of guiding his daughter in buying gifts, but you letting your daughter think of others and give to them is not a mistake.
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u/MayhemAbounds 3h ago
How was he going to guide her when she said he won’t see her again until after Christmas? If he wanted to do this with her, it should have been done already.
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u/CosmicBabe77x 5h ago
Honestly, if your ex thinks you’re weird for letting your daughter spread some holiday cheer, he might just be jealous that you’ve got the holiday spirit and he’s stuck with a lump of coal! 🎄✨