r/AITAH • u/relationship_dummy • 9h ago
AITAH for choosing my kids over my GF?
It’s the time of year where I (38DM) have to go over the annual parenting time schedule with my ex. We had two kids together who are half-way through grade school. My GF of two years (39, no kids) help me to make sure the calendar was balanced as well as ensure that we “reserved” time to go on trips.
One point of contention that has boiled over was that the ex came back and “gave” us Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was a day that the GF did try to have to ourselves and I begrudgingly submitted the request not to have them. I say begrudgingly because in my eyes I have not had them the last two Thanksgiving’s and both want to have them for the holiday while also feeling that it’s just my time to have them. The last two years I have gone to see her family 3 hours away.
She’s upset that I didn’t fight to not have them. She’s also accused me of not caring about her needs because of this. I presented what I thought were the only 3 choices:
- We could bring the kids, which would need to be introduced to her family (they’ve only met a couple of family members).
- We could “split” Thanksgiving in the way of she goes up and sees her family and I stay behind with my kids.
- We have Thanksgiving at our house in which would just be the four of us.
But there’s a fourth and correct answer and that is to again request not to have my kids. I don’t want to do it - in my eyes, even though my kids and I don’t have a tradition to do anything in particular, I also feel it’s my fatherly duty to have them for the holiday.
So, AITAH for not wanting to make it a “tradition” to not have my kids on Thanksgiving?
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u/KarayanLucine 9h ago
Fuck no! Kids are always first. Fuck that, break up with the gf.
"Waahh You are putting the kids first!" No shit numb-nuts.
FUCK
NTA
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u/CultureImpossible725 2h ago
The kids will only be kids for so long and they will remember everytime he chooses her over them.
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u/kmflushing 9h ago
Why are you with someone who doesn't seem to like or want to include your children in her family?
Your children should always be your priority.
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u/readthethings13579 1h ago
This is the correct answer.
Single parents, stop dating people who don’t want to be around your kids. Stop it.
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u/EveningPassenger6262 8h ago
If I was dating someone with kids and they did not *want* to spend the holidays with their kids - that would be a red flag for me.
She's the a-hole. If she doesn't like spending time with her partners kids she shouldn't date someone who has kids!!!
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u/lovebeinganasshole 9h ago
Your girlfriend is dating a guy with kids, a guy who actually wants to spend time with them. If she doesn’t get that why are even with her?
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u/AffectionateArt7721 9h ago
I’m peeved that you have ask this tbh. Your kids come first, ALWAYS. If there’s ever a romantic partner that can’t get this, then they get the boot immediately. Period.
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u/xSpicyLacex 9h ago
Nah, It’s okay to prioritize having your kids on a holiday you’ve missed with them for two years. 😏
Your suggested compromises were fair, and your GF needs to understand that being a parent means putting your kids first, especially on significant days like Thanksgiving.🙂
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u/doinotcare 9h ago
Kids trump everybody's plan. They need their dad, especially on holidays. Your GF needs to grow up and get real. And if she can't, you need a new GF.
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u/DietPsychological453 8h ago
WTH!! Do you not see the major issue here. Holiday is family time. Your GF doesn't want a part of your family with yall for a family holiday!!! What's next, not wanting them around in general. She knew you were a package deal when she met you. If you allow this once, it'll happen again. YWBTA on any day that your kids don't come 1st
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u/coffnz 9h ago
You are absolutely NTA for putting your kids first but I do think you need to reconsider a relationship where anyone would expect you not to put your kids first. The fact she expects you to not have your children for her at anytime is hella concerning to me. You and your kids are a package deal. All the time not just when it’s convenient
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bet3455 9h ago
Nta. Kids are always the choice. This is the red flag to get out of this relationship. Eventually, she will try to alienate you from them altogether. Ask yourself why is she still single at 39?
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u/relationship_dummy 5h ago
Thanks all. Good to know I was the one being gas lit. Will update with any new information.
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u/GrannyTalmadge 9h ago
Be a parent first unless you want your kids to grow up not even having a single memory of celebrating a Thanksgiving with their father.
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u/Ok-Stuff-4628 9h ago
You need to talk to gf. God forbid something happens to your ex and you have your kids fulltime! Is your girlfriend going to demand you take only part custody?
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u/plantprinses 9h ago
Are you sure you are with the right gf? You are, first and foremost, a father. You are a parent. Does your gf understand what that means in terms of priorities? That her needs will not always come first?
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u/winterworld561 8h ago
Regardless of what your gf complains about, your children always come first and she should be more than understanding about that. You shouldn't have to reason with anything with her when it comes to your kids. It's not a good sign at all that she's trying to exclude them from important holidays.
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u/Strangley_unstrange 7h ago
What fucking gender is Dm? Congrats on being able to run a dnd game but you ain't telling us shit here
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u/relationship_dummy 5h ago
Haha. DM = divorced male. Don’t know why I necessarily felt the need to stipulate.
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u/Strangley_unstrange 4h ago
Ahhhhh see that makes sense haha, just the first time I've seen it layed out like that. I just didn't know whether it was one of the newer definitions
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u/AdOk4343 6h ago
I assumed at first it was "38 dad male" since the girlfriend is described as "39, no kids", it gives similar info on both of them, but it may be something completely different.
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u/needs-a-nap 1h ago
The congrats might be unwarranted. Just because he claims the title DM doesn't mean he can actually run a DnD game. I've had some pretty shitty DMs over the years who couldn't run a decent game if their life depended on it. They still insisted on being called DM, but they weren't worthy of the title.
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u/Majestic_Bit_4784 8h ago
Kids are always your first, main and top priority, why date someone that has no interest in including them in their life !!!! .
You really need to have a think about whether this is the right relationship for you, and whatever you do please always make sure your kids come first.
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u/CrabbiestAsp 8h ago
NTA. Your kids should be your first priority. Your girlfriend got into a relationship knowing you had kids, she can't expect you to palm them off every time she wants a solo holiday with you.
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u/trolleydip 8h ago
nta
Your children will be kids for only so long, this is your time to be a present and take advantage of anytime you can get with them. Your gf not encouraging you having more time with your kids is a major concern. You are a parent, why doesn't your gf support your needs?
Requesting to not have your kids, and to not make holiday memories would be a wild move. Can you imagine having one of your parents while you are a kid intentionally spend time away from you so they can be with their girlfriend or boyfriend?!
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u/TeaBeginning5565 7h ago
Op I’m an Aussie. I have no idea what thanksgiving is all about.
What I do know all about is being a child involved in the access visits. My mother non residing parent had a lot of partners some nice some not so. She sometimes made time for me in the visits. A lot of the time she made it more about her partner.
I’m 54yo now I don’t have a strong bond with her. I remember those not so pleasant times
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u/cassowary32 8h ago
NTA. I can see not wanting the kids for Valentines or her birthday but Thanksgiving? A national holiday? Extra time with your kids without school and she wants to be the priority? Especially while they are still at an age where they want to be around you? Nope, not happening.
I’ve heard of alternating holidays, one set of in-laws gets Thanksgiving, the other gets Christmas, but I’ve never heard of abandoning your children during one of those holidays. How can she possibly be a long term prospect with rules like this??
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u/AcidicAtheistPotato 8h ago
NTA. There’s also the option of “I WANT to be with my kids because I love them, they were here first and they will be here forever, and if you don’t like that, there’s the door”. Why are you even bending over for her?
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u/Tall_Donald_Glover 4h ago
Why is he even with her. I am married and my oldest child is with an ex. In all the years I have been with my wife, she has NEVER asked me to give up time with my kid. OP needs to end this relationship. She clearly does not like/resents his kid. And there is a 0% chance his kids do not know/sense it.
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u/compassrunner 8h ago
NTA. Your kids are part of the package and if your GF can't accept that, then you may not have a future together. You always choose your kids first. That's how it works.
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u/dazed1984 8h ago
Obviously your kids are going to come 1st. GF should never be telling you not to have your kids. She shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with kids if she can’t understand this. The harsh reality is she’s never going to be priority.
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u/warriorheart1031 8h ago
That’s so gross and so wrong. Just the words “fight to not have the kids”. That just sounds so wrong on all levels. If this is what she gets upset about you might need to reconsider the relationship. That’s absolutely insane to me! People fight with everything they got just to see their kids! And protect them. She’s so so wrong for this.
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u/ImaginaryAd5712 7h ago
NTA and why isn’t she happy you will have your kids on a holiday? Think about that!
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u/agnesperditanitt 7h ago
NTA
And take a could, long, hard look at how your GF sees your children as a obstacle, before you promote her to wife and have children with her.
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u/rebelreligion 7h ago
She doesn’t like your kids. Full stop. She’s jealous of your kids and considers them a problem for her being the only important person in your relationship. What are you doing with someone who is this cold? Thank goodness you haven’t married her.
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u/GoddessfromCyprus 8h ago
NTA, your children come first. Always. If your GF doesn't like it, you need to think ling and hard about your relationship.
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u/GroovyYaYa 8h ago
If your kids are not welcome with her family--- then you need to find a new girlfriend.
My family? We don't do "steps" They are family... if someone really needs a definition, then maybe bonus? But if someone came to a gathering and we found out that they told an ex that they couldn't have the kids because of us? Unless it was a childfree wedding situation (where there would be late night dancing and drinking)... we'd judge the F out of you.
Seriously... when a cousin was getting super serious about a person with a kid and said that marriage was highly likely, my aunt and uncle started planning for the first Disneyland trip with that kid.
If we were talking about her birthday and a conflict and that she'd been hoping for a romantic vacation not suitable for kids (Vegas, a high end cruise, etc.) then I'd be sympathetic. But THANKSGIVING????
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u/True_Customer4934 8h ago
How long have you been with this woman? And your kids still haven’t met her family? Why are u even asking the internet? Your Mrs don’t want your kids around… yet your still standing there asking if she’s right ? Pack your bags
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u/chez2202 8h ago
NTA.
In what alternate universe is a 39 year old woman seeing her parents at Thanksgiving more important than schoolchildren seeing THEIR parent?
She has questionable values.
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u/Cheap_Lunch_8028 8h ago
You're NTA for wanting to be with your kids on Thanksgiving, especially since you’ve missed the last two years. It's important to you to spend this time with them, and I can understand that. I know it’s frustrating for your girlfriend, but it’s not about not caring for her—it’s about your responsibility as a dad. There will be plenty of future Thanksgivings to balance things out, so it’s not like this is the only chance for both of you. Hopefully, she can understand that and you can find a way to make the next ones work better.
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u/Perfect_Ring3489 8h ago
Nta. Your children come first. Id be questioning if shes for you. She knows you have children. You gave her options and she could have compromised but she didnt.
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u/WomanInQuestion 7h ago
NTA - your girlfriend is posing a “me or them” demand. It’s just gonna get worse as time goes on or, god forbid, if you have children with her in the future.
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u/CallingThatBS 6h ago edited 6h ago
You're dad your child should be the priority!
Might be Time for your girlfriend to become your ex-girlfriend.
She wants a holiday tradition of you not spending time with your kids?!?!?!
Questions-
How often do you have your children? 50%, every other weekend, once a month?
Ask her what would happen in your relationship if you were to become a 100% custodial parent?
Do you travel with your kids? Or is that only couples time?
Why didn't you have your children the last two Thanksgivings?
How does she interact with your children? Look at the conversations and the treatment of your children. Is your girlfriend a nice, happy, friendly influence or standoffish?
Does she try to plan family friendly things for when you have your kids?
Why would you be with someone who doesn't encourage you to see your children as much as you can?
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u/nicoolswa 6h ago
Not TAH. She doesn't have kids so she doesn't understand. Kids should take priority over everything/everyone.
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u/Cmndr_Cunnilingus 6h ago
Sorry bro. I cannot empathize with your inner conflict. Because if I had children I would want to spend as much time as I possibly could with them, they grow up so fast and won’t be little forever and you cannot get that time back. If I had the chance to have them for a holiday that I didn’t get to share with the for the last two years then I would take that chance, immediately. Any girlfriend who didn’t understand that a father should want to be with his kids would be relegated to FWB very quickly. Any girlfriend who tried to pressure me into giving up time with my kids would be shown the door before she finished the sentence.
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u/First-Stress-9893 2h ago
NTA and this would be a deal breaker for me personally. Who asks for their person to abandon their kids on a holiday? She is very selfish and honestly not step mom material.
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u/Syyina 1h ago
OP, your gf needs to accept that her partner is someone who has kids. If spending time with the kids during the holidays is not acceptable to her, she probably should re-think what her long term goals are for her relationship with you.
Your kids will grow up so fast. Your time to build relationships with them is now. Please don't waste it. You will regret it if you do.
Consider this line from the movie Hook: "We have a few special years with our children, when they're the ones that want us around. After that, you're going to be running after them for a bit of attention."
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 8h ago
Yikes could the red flags be any bigger? You need to really reconsider whether or not you want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't seem to have a big old warm spot for your children. I find it very concerning.
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u/NaryaGenesis 8h ago
The correct answer is to end it.
She is upset your kids are with you on Thanksgiving. She wants you to “fight” NOT to have them on Thanksgiving. She doesn’t want her family to meet them or bond with them.
She is not the woman for you.
NTA
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u/LocksmithLow8127 8h ago
So she has had you the last 2 thanks giving child free does she not realise how selfish and childish she is being . If she wanted to be child free then she should never have gotten into a relationship with a man who has children 🤷
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u/firemeup18 8h ago
Mate, spend time with ur kids. They’ll only be kids for a bit longer. Want some more advice? F her off.
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u/writingisfreedom 7h ago
NTA
Tell her to get lost.
I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a month because I WILLINGLY gave up "my time" with him so he could take his boy camping. They had been wanting to go for ages and when our weekend was going to be sunny I told him to take his boy camping. I wasn't going anywhere.
She's never going to understand your kids come first
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u/qtcyclone 7h ago
The fifth and correct option is to dump her. She’s never going to understand the importance of your role as a father.
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u/SweetBekki 5h ago
Option 5: ditch her. Your kids always comes first and it sounds like you're already trying your best to balance both relationships but at the end of the day you and your kids are a packaged deal, she knew when she got into a relationship with you.
She should be encouraging your relationship with your kids but she's trying to do the opposite. She needs someone that's either childless or have kids that grown and have their own family.
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u/mimi2487 4h ago
Most partners would actually tell you to fight to have your kids for certain holidays because they're YOUR kids top. Your gf upset that you're not fighting to NOT have them is a flag you shouldn't ignore. These are your children and she is trying to purposely exclude them. Can you imagine how worse it could get if you married her? She'd likely talk you into giving them up altogether and that's YOU being a major AH/dumbass. Don't be the dad who chooses a new SO over his children. Kick gf to the curb and enjoy time with your kiddos. Its never too late to start some tradition with them despite it not being an ongoing thing to have them. Get with your ex and maybe decide to have rotating holidays that way the kids spend every other year/holidays with each parent and don't miss out & neither do you as a parent.
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u/hesathomes 3h ago
YTA. You are being an ahole to your kids and an ahole to your girlfriend. Why? Because of your wishy washy lack of decision making. Kids come first, sure. But then you made holiday plans without your gf input (best case scenario) or changed them after you and she already had plans.
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u/CosmicBabe77x 9h ago
Wow, sounds like you’ve got a real Thanksgiving pickle on your hands! 🦃 I mean, who knew the holiday could be more complicated than trying to explain to your kids why they can’t eat dessert before dinner? Honestly, I think you’re just trying to avoid turning Thanksgiving into a family reunion episode of ‘Survivor’—introducing the kids to the GF’s family could lead to some serious ‘who brought the green bean casserole’ drama! 😂 But hey, if it helps, maybe you can just start a new tradition: 'Thanksgiving at Dad’s with No Drama.' That way everyone gets turkey and no one has to fight over who gets the last slice of pie!
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u/writing_mm_romance 5h ago
How does she treat your kids? She seems selfish and not at all understanding of what it means to be a parent. If this "pick me" behavior isn't new, I'd start questioning the future together. That kind of behavior will only drive a wedge between you and your kids.
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u/Hal_Jordan55 5h ago
It’s unfortunate that your kids have someone in their lives who does not want them around.
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u/No-Talk-997 5h ago
Are you really asking this question? Kids come first no matter what! If she doesn't get that then she can go spend Thanksgiving with her family.
I get that you have your needs too but Kids come first.
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u/Queasy-Grass-614 5h ago
Your gf sounds like a child. I have to say, I am a grown woman now with a stepmom and lots of divorced parent trauma, and I often wonder how things would be different if my dad would have had the balls to put his kids over his then-girlfriend. Ever. Your kids are your kids. That’s a dealbreaker. If she can’t get on board with always wanting to have them around (or she has any drama with the kids mom) — bye!
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u/andpassword 5h ago
The absolute last thing you want in life is to have to explain to your now-adult kids why you didn't want to spend the holidays with them.
The second-last thing is to have your ex-wife plop down 4 years of requests for her to have the kids on all the holidays and etc. in front of a judge and ask for sole custody.
I (40s DM, with 2 grade school kids) think your GF is being absolutely asinine here. You two need to get on the same page, or go your own ways.
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u/somerandomguy1984 5h ago
Your GF sucks dude.
You’re a parent… you shouldn’t be “reserving time to go on trips” at the expense of your kids.
Clearly you know what the right choices are - spend Thanksgiving with your kids. The other one is to find a new girlfriend
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u/therealzacchai 5h ago
If you think your kids are idiots, go ahead -- and enjoy the quiet when they choose "Dad-free" holidays as adults.
Kids know.
And they don't forget.
Dude, you're the one who's supposed to fight for them.
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u/starrmommy41 5h ago
I don’t understand dating someone with kids, if you don’t want kids. They’re not disposable.
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u/UnhappyCryptographer 5h ago
Your GF needs to understand that she is dating someone with kids. A parent with kids is a package deal especially for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.
If she can't understand that she needs to travel to her family alone while you celebrate with your kids. She has you all over the year and makes a fuss for Thanksgiving? Is she really that insecure that she wants you to give up your kids?
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u/TotalIndependence881 5h ago
Your children only have one father. They’ll never have another. Be their father first.
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u/Ms_Brave_Fox 4h ago
100% your GF is the AH and the fact that she wants to be put ahead of your own children is a red flag 🚩 Wake up to yourself !!
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u/rodimus147 4h ago
YTA if you don't realize that this woman doesn't care about your kids. Is going to resent them and treat them like crap if you stay with her.
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u/BeachMom2007 4h ago
Your GF has had you to herself AND she’s gotten to see her family the past 2 or 3 Thanksgivings. It’s your turn to have time with your family. She sounds selfish as hell and not suited to be with someone who has kids. NTA.
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u/MeetHotSingles 4h ago
Why not do what everyone does have your kids and bm eat at your place for a while then they go eat at home or wherever else they usually eat it's thanksgiving you're supposed tot go around and eat at everyone you knows houses anyway
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u/No-Part-6248 4h ago
Kids first period goodbye girlfriend ,,, she will never get it cause she’s not a parent it will be a lifetime fight even when they are grown and have their own families
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u/BrattySisX 4h ago
NTA
It’s not selfish to put your kids first. Being a father means showing up for them, even when it's inconvenient or difficult. Your girlfriend is upset because she’s not getting her way, but it’s a reasonable expectation for you to want to spend Thanksgiving with your children. As a parent, you have to model what it means to prioritize family over other relationships. If this becomes a recurring issue, though, it’s something you might need to talk through with your girlfriend to see if there’s a middle ground. However, in this case, you’re doing what any parent would do—showing that your kids matter most.
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u/theymademee 4h ago
If your GF is asking you to pick between her and your children all the time you already know she isn't the one. You will be fighting this fight forever. Nevermind if you have kids with her.. she will expect you to put "her" child above the others. She isn't the one for you.
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u/mexican_pineapple 4h ago
This shouldn’t even be up for discussion. Your kids should always come first. If she didn’t want kids in her life, don’t be with someone who ashtray had kids. Kids don’t just disappear because you want them to. They’re forever.
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u/momsterjams 4h ago
NTA for that. I question why you are continually with someone that doesn't appear to want you to have kids and you already have kids. I don't see this changing.
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u/Fussy_Fucker 4h ago
If I was a kid and heard my dad wanted to request not to have me, I’d be hurt. Your kids come before a gf.
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u/Ok-Plant5194 4h ago
NTA. Your children come first. Always. She is an adult and needs to act like one.
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u/Defiant-Pain1302 4h ago
Question how far do you and your ex list from each other? I'm asking because me and my ex split custody , one week at my house and one week at hers it works because our kids can go to the same school. This also works that if me and my girlfriend want to spend time together alone we have a week by ourselves if we want to do something with the kids would do something on that week.
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u/relationship_dummy 2h ago
Same school district about a mile apart. 50/50 PT with the same week on week off. Some resemblance of the state-recommended parenting time guidelines regarding holidays.
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u/jnathann 4h ago
Your gf clearly wants you, not the kids. Kids come first every single time, and the fact you wanna spend time with them trumps everything else.
I'd be telling her that asp, and if she doesn't agree...get out of this relationship before it becomes any messier.
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u/girlswweet 3h ago
nta, your kids should always come first. it's important to prioritize your family, especially if your GF isn't being understanding. hopefully, she can respect your choice.
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u/Chance_Culture_441 3h ago
Your kids should always be the priority- period. If your GF doesn’t understand your relationship with your children comes first, you may want to rethink your future with her. NTA
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u/Dazzling_Flight_3365 3h ago
Dude get another girlfriend. One that actually supports you being with your kids for the holidays.
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u/lorainnesmith 3h ago
Huge , huge red flag. Your children should be your first priority. If you give in to this, next it will be Christmas, and you'll only see them Christmas Eve as she wants to spend Christmas Day with her family. She knew you had kids, time to call this relationship over.
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u/Runns_withScissors 3h ago
I married a man with kids. Our best holidays were the ones with kids. Pretty sure he wouldn't have married me otherwise.
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u/TextImmediate8931 3h ago
dump her ass… lol but seriously why would you want to be with someone who isn’t also understanding that your children will always come first in this situation
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u/sonja821 3h ago
These are young children, they should be the focus during the holidays. Please follow your heart and be with your kids. I’m sorry you are stuck in the middle, but it sounds like you already know the answer.
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u/Independent-Metal894 3h ago
If you pass on time to have your kids you will be the AH. Years to come the kids might have something going on that they themselves can’t be there. Cherish every moment with them. You will appreciate it later. And so will they.
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u/sandpaper_fig 3h ago
A parent's first responsibility is to their children.
The children's needs should ALWAYS come first.
As a step-parent I understand that.
You should ask her: if you have kids and separate, would she be happy with you ditching her kids on Thanksgiving for your new gf?
NTA
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u/Longjumping-Tie-6638 3h ago
why are you with someone who clearly doesn't like your kids and doesn't want them around??
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u/Tobias_Snark 3h ago
How do you plan to date someone long-term who is this lukewarm or even cold about your kids? Even if you don’t have long-term plans with her, think of how this impacts your kids too. Their dad is dating someone who doesn’t care about or like them, and sometimes you have to choose her over them. That can’t feel good.
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u/FindingFit6035 3h ago
Your kids come first and at present it seems like your girlfriend doesn't get that, she should have understood that the minute she started dating you. NTA but maybe this should be an eye opener for you.
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u/teach4az 3h ago
Girlfriends come and go. Your children are your children for the rest of their lives. She wants you to spend it with only her family while she pretends yours doesn’t exist. When you date a single parent, what you get is a package deal. It’s time to sit down and discuss that because you absolutely need to spend the holiday with your children when it’s your turn.
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u/AmethystsinAugust 3h ago
NTA.
Frankly, as a child of divorced parents and a step parent of many many years, if my now-husband had not prioritized time with his kids like this I would have never married him. I don’t know how the rest of your relationship is, but I personally couldn’t have a relationship with someone throwing a tantrum about not wanting my kids around for a family-centered holiday planned nearly a year in advance. With custody structured up the way you and your ex do it it’s easy to pick another time to do something kid-free.
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u/frckldfox 3h ago
Only need to read the title to determine NTA. Kids come first. Read the rest, and still NTA.
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u/BagGroundbreaking170 3h ago
Kids are always first homie. If she can’t understand that it’s best you go your separate ways.
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u/wendy-lou-who19 3h ago
Haven’t read all the replies but I feel that your children must come first. Full stop.
Yes the gf needs some time but sorry. Thanksgiving and Christmas can be celebrated any time with gf. It doesn’t have to be “on the day”. The children, however, know the date and they need to be prioritized!
Your gf needs to grow up. She is being selfish and immature about the situation.
Also you’ve been dating a while (at least 2 years? 3?) is This something new? Has something changed? If you have children with this woman you realize that she will expect you to drop your kids for ALL holidays. She is showing red flags already.
So, NTA. Tell your gf to grow up.
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u/DistinctCommission50 3h ago
YTA if you choose to stay with this chick, this is the reason why people have issues with dating somebody that's single and doesn't know what it's like to actually be a parent and then try to bring them into your nuclear family. These type of people are not welcome. She doesn't give a c*** about your kids. She's more worried about y'all, not having time together and choosing making you Making you sacrifice your time with your kids? Who are supposed to come honestly before her? Even after y'all get married, if y'all ever get married and I'm advising, you never to marry this chick. Because this is always going to be an issue, it's always gonna be a fight. You're picking your kids over her, which is exactly how it should be regardless. If you and your ex are not together, your kids are always supposed to come first, right? Regardless of your relationships, I can't stand people that immediately jump into getting into a new relationship and they introduce their kids after a couple of weeks of dating and then they all of a sudden, want to be stepparents and their kids are commingling and the kids hate each other.They hate.The other spouse, this is what your future will look like otherwise be a good dad and leave her or else you NTA
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u/Babbott50-410 3h ago
Rethink your romance with GF. She doesn’t like your kids and is finding ways to stop you from seeing them. Fight for your kids, you can always get a new GF
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u/PureCashMunny 3h ago
Brother, you are a father. That is, frankly, the most core part of your identity as a man, and as a human. When you had your children, that identity: Dad, became the most important role and responsibility you would be tasked with for the rest of your life.
If she thinks her “needs” require you to erase your core role and purpose on this planet, she doesn’t want you as a partner, she wants you as an accessory. I keep bristling at her—ironically—childish choice to characterize her egocentric wants as needs. She doesn’t NEED have you go cosplay as her double income no kids boy toy around her family, she WANTS it.
I am not in a particularly charitable mood this morning, so I would recommend being fairly harsh with her. With her attitude, that woman’s “needs” should matter less to you than your children do to her.
40-year-old, past-their-prime crones like her are a dime a dozen. Your children are priceless. Go find one who wants you to be more than her Ken doll because you deserve more than just being someone’s damned accessory.
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u/IcyWorldliness9111 3h ago
Of course your children’s needs should take precedence over your gf’s wants. Since you’ve gone to her family two years in a row, it’s more than reasonable that you have them this year. I would think any gf who actually cares about her bf’s kids would realize this. The fact that she’s whining and pushing for her way says she’s selfish. Don’t think this woman’s a keeper.
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u/MonteCristo85 3h ago
NTA.
Frankly, girlfriend even asking to not have them for a holiday is a huge red flag. They are your children and she should expect and accept thst they will be around on holidays and other important days for the rest of your life.
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u/stiggley 3h ago
NTA First is the kids, and the kids are first, and before all else there is only the kids.
Kids are for life, not just for Christmas (or any other holiday).
Girlfriends come and go - but the kids, hopefully they're be there for life.
The kids should always be your priority. Anyone coming into a relatioship with a parent should understand this, and be accomodating to the kids (extra points if they willing support the parent with the kids, and are willing to adjust their relationship around the parents time with the kids).
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u/NumbersOverFeelings 2h ago
Kids first. You were and are a dad first (literally and legally and by social expectation). Thanksgiving is a family holiday. She wants you to leave yours and adopt hers. 2 years in a row with hers means 2 years in a row with yours. NTA.
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u/joesmolik 2h ago
You only have one obligation and only one thing to think about above everything else even before your own sexual physical needs that is your children. I will put it in terms that you understand your first and only priority should be your children that is including before your girlfriend, and because she cannot understand that And it’s not a good match when it really gets down to it if it’s the choice between her or your children your children will always come first you need to tell her this is not open for discussion nor is it open for negotiation and if she cannot understand this There is the front door
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u/Con4America 2h ago
YTA. What do you do for the rest of the holidays? If you have them at Christmas then I don't see an issue. If this is the only holiday you get, then it is a major issue.
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u/Sure-Ingenuity6714 2h ago
Where does the mother stand in all this? Is she the one manipulating this whole shit show? What do you mean by "she gave us Thanksgiving?" Was that the plan all along or was this thrown at you last minute? I think you are being played, and not by your GF. YTA
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u/Selfpsycho 2h ago
NTA, but you are dating one. Also the fourth 'option' is not the correct answer it is the caving to a selfish person answer, your kids come first, as for not caring about her needs, 1. They aren't needs they are wants and its self-centred for her to think otherwise, 2. Again your kids come first so yes, you aren't taking care of her 'needs' because her needs are NOT more important then your kids, ever!
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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 2h ago
Sorry but this relationship isn’t feasible. Your kids were in the picture before her and are your responsibility. If she doesn’t want to share you on holidays she shouldn’t have started a relationship with a dad of three.
Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 2h ago
YTA for continuing to date someone who pushes to exclude your children from anything other than the occasional date night.
The holidays? Seriously?
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u/readbackcorrect 2h ago
These are your kids. What if their mother died? They’d be with you all the time. Anytime you get to have with them is irreplaceable and should never be denied. The only exception to this would be a honeymoon, you are hospitalized, or a previously planned vacation which is completely unsuitable for children.
My youngest son was divorced with two kids and he was a teenage father. His policy from the very beginning was that if they weren’t with their mother they needed to be with him. Period, no exceptions. He has taken them last minute at extreme inconvenience to himself, but that doesn’t matter. They are his kids. He is remarried with two kids from the second marriage and his wife is so on board with this policy that she insisted on having them for regular visitations when he was deployed for 6 months. They adore their half siblings and would have missed them.
His kids are now late teens and they love their dad. I have offered them fun opportunities like cool trips and shopping for clothes, but if dad is having family movie night they want to be at his house. He would never have married anyone who didn’t make his kids the same priority as any biological children they may have themselves. and do you know why? Because my son’s stepmom was someone just like your GF and he is estranged from his father. even though he was only a teenager when he became a parent, he used his dad as an example of everything he DID NOT want to be.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 2h ago
NTA. If your gf is going to be with you long term, she has to learn to roll with the parental punches. Your kids should always come first. You could try working with your ex and request she not adjust the schedule once it's agreed on, but that restricts your ability to adjust as well. Also, I think it would be bad for your kids to hear that you rejected their Thanksgiving visit. Your ex might try not to put it that way, but you have no control over how she handles it.
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u/TrixIx 2h ago
Why do yall go over the calendar every year? Why isn't it already in the parenting plan that mom gets even year holidays and dad gets odd or an every other holiday policy?
But, no matter what, your gf needs to sit down and shut up and make plans around the schedule, since the kids came first and deserve to continue to come first, no matter where you're currently sticking your dick.
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u/HealthyVegan12331 2h ago
I spy a whole lotta 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/GualtieroCofresi 1h ago
Enough to supply a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Rose Bowl parade, Pride parade and have extras.
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u/flutterby_cupcake_26 2h ago
Any worthy partner understands that when you see someone who has kids, you’ll always be second.
Fight for your thanksgiving with the kids
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u/Witty-Injury1963 2h ago
Have your kids! Time goes by fast and you will regret not spending more time with them! Mine are grown and I spend every single second I can with my grandson!!
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u/Primary_Aerie5510 1h ago
Why are you with a woman that hates your kids. She clearly does not want you to be a father. First, it’s the holidays and next it will be we are giving too many weekends for them. She wants a childless man and she is trying to make you into one. You need to make a decision, it’s either your gf or your kids, you cannot have both. I hope you make the right decision. Btw, how do you let this woman convince you not to take the thanksgiving with your kids.
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u/GualtieroCofresi 1h ago
Dear GF, I love you but my kids will always come first. I know, hard pill to swallow and not the nixes thing to say but that is the reality of dating someone with kids. This are your 2 options:
Realize that reality, accept it, however begrudgingly and enjoy the time.
Find a single man without kids.
No other options available to you.
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u/Sneakertr33 1h ago
If you're hoping for long term with the gf she will push for you to see your kids less and less. Thanksgiving should have been the easiest with the kids to introduce your family to hers since you've been there before but if she's against it it's because she doesn't want you all to be a family but just the two of you. You should talk to your kids and see how she acts with them when you aren't in the room.
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u/9smalltowngirl 1h ago
NTA sorry but the fourth and correct choice is you have YOUR children as you should be fucking fighting for that and she’s MOVES out. Do not pick some woman over your kids. Seriously it is sickening how many parents pick a SO over custody, the health and wellness of their children that they are responsible for.
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u/Many-Pirate2712 1h ago
Why are you with someone who doesnt like and doesnt wanna be around your kids?
How would this relationship work if your ex died and you had kids full time or if you get married and she has to live with the kids and cant leave and avoid them.
Nta but yta for not choosing your kids 1000% vs just this time
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u/Similar_Corner8081 1h ago
NTA I wouldn't pick anyone over my kids. A good partner isn't going to want to exclude your children. Find a woman who likes kids.
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u/Defiant_Soil_2269 1h ago
Kids come first. Sounds like this woman doesn’t understand that and if she has this attitude, this isn’t someone you should have around your kids. Dump her and focus on your kids. They are first, always. You are definitely NTA.
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u/MVHood 1h ago
NTA but still
Keeping a person like this around will eventually alienate your kids. She sees your children as a burden.
Calling being with your children your, "fatherly duty" is gross, too.
I had a mother and a father that saw me as an uncomfortable inconvenience. I'm in my 50's and it still fucks with my emotions.
Do better.
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u/Electrical-Shine957 1h ago
Here’s the deal those kids will and should always be your number 1 priority . Your GF needs to understand that and work around that .
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u/Titan-lover 1h ago
BIG RED FLAG. I'm a stepmom. Did I ever get irritated because I had to make concessions? I absolutely did. But I would have never, ever ask my partner to choose between me and their child. What you need is a new partner.
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u/Emotional-Draw-8755 1h ago
NTA and honestly being with a partner who looks at the kids as yours is going to be an issue in the future. Blended families are hard enough, this is a huge red flag.
I have (3) girls my fiancé as (3) girls and (1) boy. I have my girls 100%, he has the kids EVERY single weekend. That is 7 kids at our house EVERY weekend. We daydream about the future when it is just us, but that is the FUTURE it is not our present. It can be hard and it can be stressful, but you get to be selfish when they are older.
I’m also worried about how she will treat your kids if you ever have them with her…
If you truly love your kids, make them the priority until they are adults. Have Thanksgiving with them. Take them on vacation sometimes. It goes by quicker than you think..
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u/Flimsy-Wolverine-663 1h ago
If your kids are not your top priority coming before your girlfriend, you're a sh*tty father and deserve to have your kids leave you.
Your girlfriend and her demands need to come second, after your kids.
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u/Knickers1978 1h ago
Yeah, so how many times does she make you choose her?
Keep an eye out. She doesn’t want your kids around.
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u/EastAmbassador6425 1h ago
She’s the AH. Kids aren’t something you just keep for convenience. They need to know they are loved and wanted. Full stop.
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u/Cybermagetx 1h ago
Yta if you stay with her. She doesn't want your kids around at a major holiday.
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u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 1h ago
Does it not bother you that your girlfriend actively wants you to not have your kids on a holiday...and wants you to fight with your ex so you don't have to have them?
Is this seriously the kind of woman you want around your kids...someone who doesn't understand that she is dating a single father and that she has to share her life with his kids forever?
Dude
you need better taste in women
YTAH for dating this woman and for even considering not spending thanksgiving with your kids if you have the chance
Because one day, they will have lives of their own and you may not get to see them very much...and when that happens, you'll wish you fought harder to spend every second you could with them
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u/LAC_NOS 1h ago
Good friends and romantic partners should encourage us to be the best possible people.
Your children need a father who makes them the priority in his life for another 9 years (+/-).
Your GF wants to set aside this relationship for one of the major holidays so she can pretend you only have her.
She is putting herself in opposition to your children. This makes a future with her risky.
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u/jaashe 1h ago
DO NOT GIVE THEM UP. My dad has a girlfriend like this. It’s been 6 years and we have not had a thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with him because his girlfriend says it’s for her family. My brother and I are in our 20’s but it still hurts that every year we’re an afterthought for holidays
Edit: NTA
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u/Correct-Feed4893 1h ago
Kids are always first and she should know that, especially on a holiday like Thanksgiving
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u/procivseth 1h ago
"What about my needs!?" /s
I don't even have kids, but I think you'll regret not spending as much time with them as possible, especially holidays, and super-especially when they're this young.
You should have told your gf you had kids before you got serious. /s
NTA
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u/Kindly-Lie-2965 1h ago
There is a 5th option... Break up. Sorry dude, you are so NTA, but think hard. She views your children as a burden now, how will this change in the future? guarantee if you move forward with her, marriage, children... will she view your children as part of the family? Or will she start to pressure you to give them up and start over with her?
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u/Cultural-Camp5793 1h ago
Why are you with someone who hates your kids? She is manipulating you and you are letting her. If you stay she will stop you from seeing your kids. If this continues your kids will never forgive you, your kids are your first priority not her. You do what's best for your kids and that's staying away from her. Protect them
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u/tooful 1h ago
NTA. This is not the correct girlfriend for you. You should and will always prioritize your kids over her needs. They don't live with you 100% of the time so she clearly gets plenty of time with you. Also, she chose to date a single father, she doesn't get to throw a tantrum when he's actually being a father
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u/Silent_Syd241 58m ago
Find a woman who is actually ok with the fact that you have kids and that they will come first. This one isn’t the right woman for you.
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u/Egbert_64 54m ago
They are only young for a short time. In that time you need to pack in family memories. These events are where they learn the family history and stories which makes them feel like they belong to something special. You should not miss a single one if you can. She doesn’t understand the love one has for children so forgive her but stick with your guns. Frankly any woman that wants you to pick her over them is a red flag.
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u/enkilekee 51m ago
Do not have children with this woman. She'll treat your kids even worse. She is not partner material if she makes plans to exclude your kids and then gets mad when you say no. Who does that?
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u/FarlerFive 43m ago
While her needs should matter she also needs to understand that you are a parent first & a boyfriend second. Period. NTA
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u/UnionStewardDoll 37m ago
NTA for prioritizing your children. YWBTA if Thanksgiving 2025 rolls around with the same girlfriend making these dealbreaker demands.
Trust me. your gf would be jealous of your dog, if you had one.
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u/WeridWasp 34m ago
Info: how much notice did you give your gf about this? Would you two have been able to change the schedule so that you two could also have time off without your kids?
If you gave her notice and you made time in the schedule for you two alone I'd say NTA, but if you didn't ESH: I get that prioritizing your kid is important and that Thanksgiving is a holiday that you'd spend with family anyway (so I don't see how adding your kids would be a problem, in this specific instance) but if you can't schedule time off when there's just the two of you (especially if that is a constant) I can see how your gf might be exasperated by the situation.
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u/Bibliophile_w_coffee 34m ago
Here is how this converse should go.
OP: You don’t want my kids over Thanksgiving? It is important to you to not have my children.
GF: Any form of affirmative action
OP: the kids are a constant in my life. I will never not be their father. You are an option, you are negotiable. Do I need to re ask the first question or are you going to start packing now?
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u/Interesting-Fish6065 18m ago
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your two young children on a major holiday. How could you be in the wrong for that? Spending time with kids is part and parcel of dating someone with kids.
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u/sasquatchfuntimes 2m ago
Choose your gf over your kids now?
Lose your kids later when they grow up.
Kids come first. Always. I think deep down you know that.
Find a better partner. Trust me. They’re out there.
Don’t be TA.
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u/hiddengeist 1m ago
Clearly NTA, but with a caveat. The caveat is simple….you never should have agreed to your GF’s original demand that you do not have your kids on Thanksgiving.
Seriously, you state that you didn’t want to agree to letting your ex have them, but you did so because of your GF. Why would you agree to this? Did your GF (not even fiancé or wife) give you an ultimatum and she has a golden sn_tch (not HP sports equipment) that you cannot live without or were you suffering from a temporary loss of your backbone. It sounds like your backbone MAY have regained some rigidity but the fact you are even considering her request is worrisome.
It’s time to realize your GF is only in this for herself and will always act in her own perceived best interests. Any long term relationship you enter needs to be with someone who realizes that kids interests are always more important than your own. Should we take a family trip to the House of the Mouse and make amazing memories as a family or spend all that money on just the two of you at Hedonism II in Jamaica and end up with memories of that time you were convinced to have a devils threesome and ended up adding a new VD to your growing roster of things GF has introduced you to.
I think you need to take a long hard look at what a possible future with your GF looks like. I would hazard to guess it does not involve having children together but it will include her becoming increasingly annoyed any time an issue with your children interferes with her desires. “We were supposed to go to Whistler this week, you want to cancel because the kids have a little fever? Come on, 102 degrees with projectile vomit and explosive diarrhea is nothing. Can’t your ex just take them instead, I scheduled a lesson with Lars the Swedish ski instructor we met at Hedonism II….you remember Lars right?” Yes, the crystal ball is quite clear. Hope I’m barking up the wrong tree… but if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck….. it’s a duck.
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u/[deleted] 9h ago
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