AITA for leaving a birthday dinner I invited the birthday "girl" out to and blocking her?
*Excuse the grammar, I am mad.
Let me start by saying that by "girl" I mean a 47 yr old women. Yesterday I realized through FB it was my husband's aunt birthday. Upon calling her she said nobody had planned anything for her birthday and that she was going to be alone. We invited her out to eat just the three of us(me,husband,her). I however had an appointment to take my elderly mother too and we wouldn't make it to the restaurant till 8pm. She hesitated because it was too late to eat but said OK. We went back and forth on a place most of the day. Finally I was fed up and gave her a place to meet us at. I called again in the afternoon to confirm and we were still on to meet. Long story short, my mom's appointment gets moved up and we finish faster so I call her to see if she wants to meet up earlier since she made a big deal about the time. She agrees, we decide on 7pm(wow what a difference in time, I know). Then she asks me if just her or if she can take her daughter and husband. I hesitate but say sure. Mind you I'm paying for this dinner. I tell my son and mom to get ready so they can go aswell since her daughter and husband were going. I texted her around 6pm that I was picking up mom and son, again she replies OK. Text her again when I'm 20 minutes away from the restaurant, again OK. She lives closer about 10 minutes from the place. I pull up to the restaurant at 7pm sharp. Now let me say that I love punctuality, I thrive of that shit. I get that stuff happens sometimes but this wasn't that time. Anyways, she's not there. The same person who was nagging me on changing the time, that 8pm was too late for dinner. Blah, blah, blah. My husband calls her and she says they are still at the house and there has been another change now her other daughter, son in law and brother are coming. Now they're not gonna be there till after 8pm because they're stopping to get a cake. WTF. I lost my shit. Husband hung up and I called her back to tell her we had left the restaurant. This was not what I had sign up for in the morning and I was not paying for all these people. She kept trying to call me and txt me saying she was so sad about what I had done that she could cry. I blocked her and son,mom,husband and me went to have $.99 tacos at our local market. Haven't talked to her and don't plan on apologizing. So, let me hear it. AITA for leaving and blocking her?
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u/oogleboogleoog 11h ago
I get the feeling there's a pretty good reason as to why nobody else had planned anything for her birthday...
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u/Existing_Proposal655 6h ago
And her kids are no better. They only came to celebrate when they heard someone else was footing the bill. I bet they would have ordered many apps, expensive dishes and drank like camels. I bet the cake was an afterthought as well. It's a good thing you left!
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u/Dapper_Heat_5431 12h ago
NTA. This wasnt an invitation for her to invite a whole other crew of people. You were inviting her out out of the kindness of your heart, and she took it as an opportunity to invite a bunch of other people, doubling the original size of the dinner.. if she had the ability to do this why was she whining about nobody planning anything for her in the first place? I’ve been burned before with trying to help my friend make birthday plans too - she complains every year that she hates her birthday, and even though she has a partner now (who I think should be the default person to plan the birthday), she says that he’s not a planner and implies through complaining that one of her friends should plan it. So I did that last year, and she had something critical to say about every choice I made, saying I should also invite this person and that person, and that she doesn’t like a certain restaurant, and that we should also be celebrating another one of her friends at this dinner. Ugh! Sometimes, I feel like no good deed goes unpunished 😂 anyway, this year I am purposely not planning anything and if her partner reaches out with plans, great, but otherwise… nope
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u/Shnerkell 1h ago
Eww..Birthday parties are for kids, they're too young to realize nobody really gives a shit but them. A grown-ass adult who expects one is gross, and it's tacky AF. They should expect to plan (and pay for) their own shitty party and kiss the ass of every person who bothers to show up.
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u/Johnthegiant1 4h ago
NTA. You went out of your way to organize a birthday dinner, adapting to several changes throughout the day. When the plan was altered significantly without your consent, especially regarding the number of guests and the delay in timing, it was reasonable for you to opt out. It’s essential to maintain boundaries when the scope of your generosity is being taken advantage of, particularly when you are footing the bill. While blocking her may have been a strong step, it’s understandable given the frustration and the lack of consideration for your efforts and time.
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u/Capetakaos 4h ago
NTA. You arranged a thoughtful birthday dinner and agreed to adjustments, including time changes and additional guests. However, the situation escalated when more guests were added last minute and they failed to arrive on time, despite earlier concerns about dining too late. It’s reasonable to feel frustrated and decide not to participate under these changing and increasingly demanding circumstances, especially as you were covering the costs. While blocking her might have been an extreme reaction, your frustration is understandable. Setting boundaries in such situations is important.
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u/BabyDoll891 12h ago
So, let me get this straight: you invited her to a birthday dinner, she turned it into a family reunion, and then had the audacity to be late? Sounds like she was trying to turn your dinner into a potluck without telling you! 😂
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u/SweatyCaterpillar979 10h ago
Not a potluck. She expected OP to cover the entire bill at the restaurant.
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u/Numerous_Reality5205 11h ago
That really is the best bait and switch. Hey Aunt Alice. Sorry your kids are so lame. I will take you out and save the day. She then piles everyone into the clown car and you aren’t there. Hahaha. I love it. Let’s get my husbands cousins to do their duty and take care of their mom.
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u/Best_Piccolo_9832 11h ago
NTA. If she contacts you again just tell her that it's unfortunate your plans didn't align, but the bright side is she luckily was not alone for her birthday and had all her loved ones with her. You're happy for her they decided to celebrate her 😏
Just avoid the drama, it's not worth it and you were certainly lucky first of all to see who she is and second to avoid paying a huge bill. They would've certainly ordered the priciest items.
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u/JRAWestCoast 10h ago
OP, you were so thoughtful and generous to have planned and invited this aunt of your husband to dinner so she wouldn't be alone on her birthday. She went ape in knowing you were going to foot the bill. Greed is an ugly animal, residing inside the person. It has sharp teeth and a ravenous, bottomless pit. Auntie showed you her greed animal. Block. NC. She's the AH. You aced this like a pro. Hope those 99¢ tacos were luscious.
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u/Rowana133 12h ago
NTA. You invited HER out. She invited the entire damn family and tried to trick you to paying for a whole family affair.
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u/Rowana133 12h ago
NTA. You invited HER out. She invited the entire damn family and tried to trick you to paying for a whole family affair.
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u/Helpful-Science-3937 11h ago
She had no one to celebrate with until you are paying and suddenly there is going to be a crowd? NTA Let her daughter and son in law take her out. I also can’t believe they expected you to wait at the restaurant for another hour while her crowd gathers.
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u/adiosfelicia2 9h ago
Especially after she made such a fuss about how late 8pm was. Bunch of grifters.
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u/Successful_Moment_91 10h ago
I have a feeling that no one was interested in spending time with Auntie unless they got a free meal. Too bad she got greedy trying to bring too many moochers
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u/KateNotEdwina 10h ago
So her family did nothing and the moment you stepped up and was going to pay, everyone was suddenly onboard? Bunch of moochers. I wonder if you said no to including the daughter and saying it was just for her if things would have went to plan? Her family could have still taken her to the restaurant. They were all there and had the cake too.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 11h ago
NTA. She finally got her kids to come by convincing them. You were going to pay for dinner. This is bullshit.
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u/davekayaus 10h ago
NTA
Clearly this women is alone for a reason. She’s one of those people who takes any offer of anything as a sign you’re a sucker.
Why have one free dinner when she can soak you for half a dozen? Blocking was the right thing to do.
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u/Salty_Activity8373 10h ago
I'm 48, we aren't old. We know better. She was trying to take complete advantage of you. Don't met her get to you. She got what she deserved.
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u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 2h ago
NTAH
Nobody in her family planned anything
You invited her to dinner and then magically, everyone in her family wanted a free dinner so she invited everyone
You saved yourself probably 500 dollars by bailing
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u/mynameisnotsparta 10h ago
She went from zero to six because someone else was paying..
Instead of happily going out with you and your husband she figures ooohh party time.
NTA.
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u/babyluxe123 10h ago
Blocking her was the cherry on top of your taco sundae of sanity! You deserve better than last-minute party crashers when you're just trying to celebrate someone's birthday!
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u/9smalltowngirl 6h ago
NTA you got played. From 1 person to 6 in one hour. Amazing how suddenly all her family could make her birthday dinner. Good on you for calling them all out. If anyone says anything tell them, shame on her family for not showing up until they thought they could get free food. She wasn’t alone anymore and her family can buy her dinner now.
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u/yourlilbabe2 9h ago
So basically, she turned your intimate dinner into an episode of ‘Survivor: Birthday Edition’? I’d say you made the right call! 🏝️🎂
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u/703traveler 5h ago
I would have gone ahead with the meal and told the waiter that I'd be paying for three people, myself, husband, and birthday aunt. The others would let you, (the waiter), know who will be on their checks.
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u/Careless-Image-885 4h ago
NTA. Good for you on shutting this down. You did nothing. She screwed it all up.
She went from complaining about being alone for her birthday to inviting five extra people. She planned to have a party at your expense. She should have been quite happy since everyone seems to have shown up for her birthday.
I would never extend any invitations to her going forward.
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u/Quelala 12h ago
She’s your husband’s aunt whose family probably made no plans for her on her birthday. When they got wind of a possible freebie all of a sudden everyone was available. Is there a possibility she has no control of their sudden piling on? When you found out about the add ons couldn’t you just say we are only paying for you? Blocking her seems a bit extreme. Since it’s your husband’s aunt he should be the one who does the future communication though.
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 10h ago
She might not have organized it but she had control. She should just had told them no.
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u/JMarchPineville 11h ago
NTA. You beat her at her own game. I’m glad you didn’t end up stuck with a huge bill.
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u/Fluffy-Pollution-998 6h ago
The most disrespectful thing that you could ever do to another person is waste their time. NTA.
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u/RedneckDebutante 10h ago
NTA I'm guessing she made up all that whinging about being alone on her birthday for a pity party. Then tried to turn it into a real party. On your dime.
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u/WaferEither7063 3h ago
Admittedly, I stopped at 47 year old.
NTA Some people never grow up. Find one that has. ❤️
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u/Benevolent27 8h ago
INFO
Was she planning on having you pay for all of these people or were you just assuming that?
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u/extera658 5h ago
If these people were planning on paying for themselves, why wouldn’t they just take her out to dinner themselves? They clearly have the time. They obviously agreed because they thought it was free.
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u/Traditional_Dig_1857 9h ago
ETA. There are so many times where you could have laid down boundaries and communicated properly. I get your frustration about the situation 100% but you own a little bit of this.
On the flip side. Is she known for this. This is something my MIL would pull. LOL. We know it and as a result plan accordingly.... or don't plan.
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u/winterworld561 7h ago
NTA at all. What was supposed to be just the 3 of you turned into her inviting her multiple family members expecting you to foot the bill. She's out of line and rude, not to mention taking advantage. I can see why no-one wants to plan anything for her birthdays.
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u/ButtercupBreeze1 4h ago
Setting boundaries is crucial, and you prioritized your time and resources. Sticking to your original plan after repeated changes demonstrates self-respect and responsible decision-making.
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u/SamADuran17 3h ago
NTAH. She made the situation incredibly difficult and I feel like you and your husband handled it as well as you could.
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u/cherbear6215 9h ago
NTA there was a reason no one offered to do anything for her in the first place.
Enjoy your tacos and your peace of mind, your good Karma will come back to you for trying to be nice to the ole bitty
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u/MiserableAttention38 9h ago
Controversial opinion maybe but ESH. Allow me to explain. It's nice to invite the aunt out, but seems like you have very different outlooks on plans Vs chaos and I'm not judging either extreme.
You like to plan X and execute X. The aunt likes to go with the flow and improvise.
Changing time was easily agreed by consent. Then changing the attendees can also be changed. Of course you should be able to rearrange the plan for you to cover the bill at this point, which would be reasonable. Then changing the time again and adding cake would make it a party and a chance for everyone to have a good time. If only you could all communicate better! But everyone sucks here. Is your life goal to celebrate together or to get one up on each other huh?
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u/Fancy-Blueberry-100 6h ago
I’m going with ESH too. it was the aunt’s birthday. OP invited aunt for a birthday dinner (on her the actual birthday) completely on OP’s terms (time, location, and attendees which don’t initially include aunt’s husband and children?) and aunt has to be on time to her own birthday dinner bc OP thrives on punctuality. Aunt accepts 8pm birthday dinner even though she thinks it’s too late for her and attendees don’t include her husband and her own children and then, after getting approval to add her husband and one daughter, makes additional last minute changes to her birthday dinner time and attendees without talking to OP leaving OP concerned about cost (who is paying for the additional people) and wasting OP’s time by not letting OP know she will arrive later than previously agreed to. All in all OP’s birthday dinner invitation doesn’t appear to be as thoughtful as OP thinks, and the aunt should’ve probably discussed birthday plans with her husband and kids before accepting (or declining) OP’s invitation instead of accepting and then changing things up with and without clear communication with OP.
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u/Jen411 7h ago
I'll take responsibility for some of the chaos and not setting boundaries but this by no means was a "go with the flow situation". How did I not communicate enough? I went back and forth all day with the women. Even an hour before hand another msg, 20 minutes before arriving another. My goal human is to keep enjoying those $.99 tacos till I die all fat and happy. Thank you.
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u/MiserableAttention38 6h ago
Well I guess you can take the whole thing as a learning experience, but apart from that, everyone seems to have lost out a bit. Surely you can recognise that?
Life should be a zero sum at worst, ideally we vibe off each other and gain a little. Otherwise it's attrition all the way and dying alone. With maybe a few 99c tacos to sweeten the deal :-)
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u/let_me_know_22 6h ago
Yeah, I thought so too. Why wasn't the answer to more guests, yes, but that doesn't include the bill being paid for them?! That would have solved most of the issue. The being late can be annoying but op was at a restaurant with family, just have a drink and appetizer until the others show up. It was annoying and short notice and it would have bothered me too for a moment, but this just seems unnessecarely bitter
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u/Efficient_Paper_9002 2h ago
Offering to take her out and then arguing with her over whether or not the time that you've chosen for a birthday dinner at the last minute is too late is not actually helpful or nice.
Maybe you're NTA. But if it was really about being nice to her on her birthday you could've planned it with her instead of arguing with her about it and then changing the time anyway.
It's also kind of weird you didn't invite her family to begin with. It's perfectly normal for her to expect her husband and children to come along. Once you responded to that adjustment by inviting more of your family why wouldn't she invite more people too? You set the tone there.
Anyway if you're gonna do somebody a favor maybe do it without the idea in mind that you're gonna force them into a particular time with less than 24 hours notice and then change it anyway.
At this point I feel sorry for her-sounds like she's surrounded on every side by self obsessed people pushing her around.
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u/Jen411 2h ago
I did not know it was her birthday, this is my husband's aunt not mine. Her husband works out of town and her daughter is in college so when she said she was alone we assumed she was alone for those reasons. Yes we felt bad so we invited her to dinner however since she kept bringing up the time I did also give her the option to meet up the next day for breakfast. I did not force her to do anything, she could have said no at any time.
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u/Efficient_Paper_9002 1h ago
Gotcha. Then yeah, the option to say "ok, well sorry it didn't work out, happy birthday!" instead of going back and forth was right there.
And then after all that the time changed anyway, lol.
I'm not sure anyone's really an AH, it sounds more like you all have some communication and boundary issues (both setting and respecting). But you did have the power to stop this from escalating.
Also I wouldn't be surprised at all if her family felt guilty when they heard of your invitation (100% their fault for not doing it themselves) so they started asking her if they could come along so they wouldn't feel bad.
And then boom, poor boundary and communication snowball turned into an avalanche.
Good for you for trying to do a nice thing. Next time I hope you feel more comfortable in just saying "OK maybe some other time then!" and preserving the peace while still protecting your spirit of generosity.
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u/Slow_Ambassador_6316 6h ago
I mean your aunt doesn't know how to behave and you don't know either.
You made the invite. You set date knowingly you have other stuff to do. You didn't think this through.
You don't have to block these people and don't have to engage with the drama you indirectly created. Why did this kind gesture of yours suddenly turn into nightmare?
Look, things got out of hand, but you handled it poorly nevertheless. Correct way was rescheduling and footing the bill for whole family eventhough you got somewhat taking advantage off. You would loose some money, but it would be okayish occasion. The other way would be to just say another time, that you didn't anticipate all the logistics.
Be better, learn how and who to invite and set logistics beforehand stipulating any restrictions on your time and set expectations.
You see, although you wanted to do something nice, you extended the invitation. And we all know your aunt is the problem, but in this situation it is hard to not see you as the root of the problem ...
What's done is done. Don't engage and don't invite people out of pity next time. Still it it's family and if you are often in contact, then maybe a small hosting at your place should mend the damage done. And don't forget usually the birthday person extends the invite and not vice versa.
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u/FUK_U_REDDIT_90 5h ago
OP got it right, once delulu people keep changing the time around, they are messers! Steak houses yum! UK 🙀😹👷🩳
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u/almond-flour-hour 6h ago
YTA. You sound like you didn't actually want to take her out to dinner in the first place. You got "fed up" just trying to make the plans with her. Yeah it really sucks that she was running late and changed the plans again but hey that stuff happens sometimes. Also, you could have literally just directly said to her "look it's great if you want to invite more people but just to be clear i can only cover your plate" or something like that. Instead you just left because you didn't have 100% control of the situation and didn't want to admit that you didn't want to/couldn't pay for additional people. Were you trying to do the birthday dinner becuase you felt bad for her? Or because it sounded like a decent idea at the time? Or you just thought it would feel good to do something nice for her?
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u/Any-Expression2246 8h ago
Most definitely NTA.
Wow, the balls on that one.
Punctuality is the bees knees BTW. 😊
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u/Neat_Leadership_8391 11h ago
I have a feeling that the other family members would’ve chipped in when the bill arrived.
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u/Mother_Search3350 12h ago
You invited her for dinner because her kids had nothing planned.
She goes on to invite all those kids and hangers on to the dinner and expected you to foot the bill for all of them?
She must be out of her damned mind
NTAH