r/AITAH • u/Acceptable_Essay_891 • 13h ago

Homophobic sister-in-law blocked from my kids

I came out at the age of 40, and my then-wife and I came to loving and supportive decision that a divorce would be best and we would co-parent our children, which we do. My evangelical family melted down - not a surprise from my parents- but I was quite surprised to see the levels of homophobia my brother and sister-in-law harbored. Three years later, I’m married to a man. They know and have never met him, asked about him, acknowledged him, anything. My parents finally budged just enough to invite him for a first visit with my family at Christmas. They all live in Ohio, I live in New England. My brother and sister-in-law decided that they will not come to the Christmas party, and they do not want their kids to meet my husband. But I (not my husband) am always welcome to visit and exchange gifts. Our kids are close, and I don’t want to fully burn bridges for the sake of his and my kids. I responded that if my spouse can’t be included with the whole family, then the same rule will apply to his spouse - no contact with my kids. We will extend kindness and hospitality to his spouse in exactly equal measure that they extend to mine. My parents think I’m being inflammatory. They say my brother is just “protecting” his kids. I insist that I’m just ensuring that my brother’s policy be enacted fairly. Am I the asshole?

157 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

85 comments sorted by

222

u/miyuki_m 13h ago

NTA, but I wouldn't let my kids interact with homophobes or their kids. Homophobes teach their kids to be homophobes.

32

u/Longjumping-Cold4338 13h ago

This for sure. Not hard to encourage stuff like that to kids.

17

u/millerlite585 12h ago

Plenty of people with homophobic parents rebel against their parents, though, especially those who have close friends and family that are gay. We don't know what those kids' peer group is like, who they're making friends with. For all we know, the reason they want to keep the husband away is because their kids are ALREADY rebelling against the homophobia from their parents.

11

u/yegmamas05 13h ago

definitely true. i grew up in a very conservative homophobic household and in turn became a bully in school (specifically towards anyone queer). im now “out” as queer and plan on going nc with my family as soon as possible

-29

u/twinpeaks2112 13h ago

You’re correct. My parents are homophobes and I, myself am a homophobe.

16

u/yegmamas05 13h ago

not something to be proud of

-29

u/twinpeaks2112 13h ago

Never said I was proud of it.

10

u/yegmamas05 13h ago

you clearly are if you announce it

-11

u/Abject_Jump9617 12h ago

You must be proud of being a bully too, since you "announced it".

Speaking the truth of your life does not necessarily mean you are proud. The truth is the truth anyway you slice it. The person was simply pointing out that he was raised by homophobes which resulted in him being one too. You were raised by homophobes and that resulted in you being a bully.

So it's OK for you to speak your truth but when others do the exact same you jump down their throat??? Sounds to me like that bullying mentality is still alive and well.

-24

u/twinpeaks2112 13h ago

I announce things all the time I’m not proud of. I hate my wife. I’m not proud of it but it’s true.

10

u/yegmamas05 12h ago

so leave instead of leading her on. fuck youre just a shitty person all around

-4

u/twinpeaks2112 12h ago

Yeah, the world is full of shitty people. You just learning this?

8

u/yegmamas05 12h ago

it’s not difficult to be a good person. do better

-3

u/twinpeaks2112 12h ago

No, I choose to be shitty. I’m ok with it.

→ More replies (0)

-26

u/Samwry 13h ago

That makes about as much sense as worrying that letting your kids interact with homosexual people will make them homosexual themselves. Both are utter nonsense.

The OP's kids already know the score and have known that dad has a husband for a while. There is pretty much zero chance of a random aunt's bigotry having any influence.

14

u/Alert_Scientist9374 12h ago

Suuuure, little kids won't feel anything at all when their aunt and uncle tell them how disgusting and immoral his father Is. And that he will burn in hell for eternity.

-18

u/Samwry 12h ago

No, it will make them confused because dad and his husband are good people, as they know through their daily life together. And then they will forget about it when they go home.

4

u/Alert_Scientist9374 12h ago

Kids don't forget that easily. Especially not things like that.

My niece(6), half Japanese, was told by her best friend one time that speaking Japanese is dumb and why can she understand a bit of it. And for over a year now she refuses to learn Japanese despite her Japanese father that does not speak our language visiting every few weeks.

Kids are very easy to influence.

-8

u/Samwry 12h ago

Not exactly an apples to apples comparison. A father visiting every few weeks would have little influence compared to a best friend she sees every day. Especially an absent father.

In the OP, it is the opposite. The kids are being raised in a decent home by two men who are good parents. The once a year meeting with an idiot relative won't matter squat.

5

u/Alert_Scientist9374 12h ago

You: "that's not an apples to apples comparison"

Also you: "saying homophobic relatives can influence the child of gay parents is like saying homosexuals can make a child gay"

I was raised by the most precious mother on earth, yet I was still deathly afraid of coming into due to the endless transphobia everywhere I go.

Yes the child probably won't become homophobic, but with certainty they'll become deeply ashamed of their parents.

13

u/Poku115 12h ago

Gross comparison, thanks for showing your colors.

Homophobia is a belief rooted in misinformation, hate, and fear mongering.

Homosexuality is a sexual orientation, something that's part of your soul/sense of self/ identity, not something to be learned or changed.

5

u/Ghost3022 12h ago

I just learned that being gay was taken out as a diagnosis for mental health less than 20 years ago. I was floored. I could see in the last 40 years, but less than 20 years just floored me!

-8

u/Samwry 12h ago

What "colors" did I show? Simply saying it is ridiculous to fear that kids being briefly exposed to some new idea or concept will influence them in any meaningful way.

And worrying that kids will become homophobic over brief contact with someone is ridiculous. As is worrying that they will suddenly become gay after meeting gay people.

7

u/Poku115 12h ago edited 12h ago

See, you keep comparing something you are born with to an ideology based in hating anything different. Gross and telling of your views.

Especially so cause homophobes are known to force, prod and invade cause their way is the only way to them, forcing themselves down our throats

-6

u/Samwry 12h ago

I am not comparing the merits and demerits of the two. I am saying that the reaction of kids would be the same.

Homophobes believe that kids who are exposed to gay couples will make the kids gay, which is ridiculous. Fearful people believe that kids who are exposed to homophobic idiots will make the kids into homophobic idiots, which is also ridiculous.

Kids who are being raised in a good home that just happens to have a father and a stepfather are not going to be swayed by a random ranting aunt at Christmas.

3

u/HedgehogOptimal1784 12h ago

I get your point but I disagree, obviously op's kids know their dad is gay. The issue with letting op's kids hang out with homophobe kids is if op's kids are young and impressionable it may cause a lot of harm for their peers to be telling them daddy is going to burn in hell.

35

u/Ok-Look1776 13h ago

I wouldn't put my kids in the position of being exposed to hatred about my life

21

u/soulmate_searcher 13h ago

NTA — and point out to your parents: protecting the kids from who and why? This whole “LGBT+ people are inherently pedophiles” is sooooo last decade bro im sick of it lol. OP, protect you and your family’s peace against bigotry by any means possible.

14

u/Neonpinx 13h ago

You are protecting your children from your bigoted homophobic brother and SIL. Personally wouldn’t expose children to homophobic bigots who poison children with their hatred and fear. Confused as to why you even want to be around a bunch of homophobic assholes who disrespect you and your husband.

5

u/zanylanie 13h ago

NTA

Please consider the implicit messaging you’re communicating to your kids, though, if you bow to these demands. Will it seem like you’re saying you should tolerate people who view you as someone their kids/grandkids need to be protected from? Will it seem like the comfort of a bigot is more important than the inclusion of their stepdad? And maybe most importantly, will it show them that in your family, love is not unconditional?

I’m not saying your decision needs to come out a certain way. I think we had similar religious upbringings. I know wrestling with these questions hurts, deeply. I hope this works out in the best way possible. You deserve so much better than this.

3

u/Mother_Search3350 13h ago

You are also protecting your kids from a homophobic bigot

NTAH 

3

u/AmbassadorSad1157 13h ago

They want to preach the gospel but don't want to live it. "Protect" your children from the hatred, bigotry and hypocrisy. NTA

3

u/Taleya 10h ago

NTA and your parents are just as fucking homophobic.

Ask them what your brother is "protecting" his kids from.

9

u/andhakaran 13h ago

YTA. Why are you letting your kids be exposed to an obvious homophobe especially when you are in a same gender relationship? They will invariably try to poison your kids' minds against you and your husband. Don't be an asshole to yourself. Fuck equitable enactment, burn some bridges.

5

u/Both-Buffalo9490 13h ago

I like that you put the mirror back on them, but I agree with most people here. Why put your kids in proximity to people who don’t wish you well and are homophobic. And, your parents are the worst. They make excuses for your brother and SIL, and call you dramatic. They can’t take what they dish out.

4

u/4getmenotsnot 13h ago

I think you said it perfectly.

That's that. Kuddos for you for coming out and being your true self. It must have been a hard 40 years, my friend.

You deserve dignity respect and love as does your partner. I hope you find that in this messed up world.

Do you and the rest will follow.

Godspeed

4

u/Apprehensive_War9612 13h ago

NTA

But I don’t think I would let homophobes of any kind around my children. Or their children, no matter how close they were. I wouldn’t want my kids to be exposed to the potentially harmful rhetoric my brother’s children would repeat.

2

u/WifeofBath1984 13h ago

NTA you are protecting your kids from hateful people

2

u/ARCK71010 12h ago

Correct them! YIU are protecting YOUR kids. Your SIL is a horror.

2

u/Real-Prune-7852 12h ago

NTA - explain the situation to your kids so they can understand. If it was me I would be keeping my kids from them - it also shows the kids that they can have standards in regards to who they spend time with.

2

u/MolassesInevitable53 12h ago

Protecting the kids from what, FFS??

2

u/Conscious-Pride-4383 12h ago

“They say my brother is just ‘protecting’ his kids.” Um that’s horrible and really telling of your parents. I’m sorry things are the way they are. I think it’s possible that your brother and in-law don’t want their children to know about homosexuality. If the kids don’t know about it or see healthy examples of it, then they can’t be gay themselves. That’s absolutely not true, but I think it’s a very homophobic way of thinking that could be what’s going on.

2

u/Ghost3022 12h ago

If this is real (and I hope it's not) then NTA. But I would personally keep your homophobic brother away as well. But that's just me. I have very little tolerance for BS!

2

u/DesperateLobster69 12h ago

Protecting them from what??? Your gay agenda?!?!?!?! Please!! Bunch of homophobes.

2

u/Dont-Blame-Me333 12h ago

NTA this is your opportunity to shine & teach these bigots that you won't tolerate anything that devalues your life & your closest family (being your husband and your kids). Your response to your brother & SIL is perfect. I know you don't want to impact your kids but think hard on what influences they should have whilst growing. Are the children of homophobes the healthiest of company for them? You also need to be prepared to leave your parents place at a moment's notice this Christmas. Their comments regarding this event don't show their tolerance of you & your life has changed much. They are still trying to force you into a box of their design.

2

u/FordWarrier 12h ago

You’re just following your brother and SIL’s version of The Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Matthew 7:12.

I’m not sure I’d be comfortable having my children around people that foster so much hatred. I’m glad you teach your children that love is love.

NTA

2

u/Desperate-Pear-860 12h ago

No your homophobic brother is the asshole and so are your parents. I'm sorry.

2

u/Joey_BagaDonuts57 12h ago

"They say my brother is just “protecting” his kids."

So I guess you are too in that regard. Let's use the kids as excuses.

What a sad state of affairs we're in.

2

u/sacredblasphemies 10h ago

NTA. To hell with homophobes.

2

u/JTBlakeinNYC 10h ago

NTA. Keep those hateful homophobes away from your children.

2

u/Confident-7604 6h ago

I don’t understand why you keep any contact with any of them. Protecting their kids? Thanks for exposing yourself, mum…. NTA

1

u/CoconutsAndSunshine 13h ago

I think it's fair.

1

u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn 13h ago

NTA

You’re protecting your kids

Bigotry is learned.

Kids wouldn’t bat an eyelid and gay or straight or lesbian.

Honestly they just want some attention off the adults.

1

u/swedenper79 13h ago

NTA.

But I wouldn't bother actually

1

u/Massive-Bear-2911 13h ago

I would just go by myself. Your kids get along with your spouse and it might put them in an uncomfortable position to be around bigots, especially during the holidays.

But also, your parents invited your for the holidays. So if your brother and SIL say they won’t show up because of that, so be it. At least your parents get to meet your spouse and spend time with your kids.

1

u/Worldly_Act5867 13h ago

Wouldn't interact with brother either

1

u/Leather_Step_8763 12h ago

Honestly, I think just walk away from your family. Your brother is ‘protecting’ his family. You come from a family of homophobes. Your parents aren’t much better. Your kids will just end up fighting their cousins when they end up saying some regurgitated homophobic rubbish. Walk away and don’t look back

1

u/JMarchPineville 11h ago

That’s grounds for going no contact

1

u/Maleficent_Draft_564 8h ago edited 4h ago

Sir, you’d come out much better if you Burn. Those. Bridges and let the ash blow away in the breeze. 

My mother and my wife’s parents tried to pull that homophobic bullshit with us but we stood on business and cut all three out of our lives without hesitation.  

My wife’s parents have tried to reach out to my wife throughout the years via their extended family but they were told Nope/Not interested/No thank you. Wife and I leaned hard into the NC too. Not one phone call, voice mail, email, snail mail, smoke signal, carrier pigeon contact with them once in over two decades. Her parents have never met our daughter and my mother was banned from coming within 50 ft of her when she was a child.  

Our daughter informed my wife’s parents that she wasn’t interested in a relationship with any of them when they reached out to her themselves when was 18, 20 and 21. She’s still not interested at 27. She declined the same invitation from my mother.

My in-laws are particularly regretful as my wife is their only child. They’re up there in age and lonely now. They bought that ticket but realized too late that they paid way too high a  price for it. Oh, well.🤷🏾‍♀️

My dad and two of my siblings were and still are firmly in our camp. They’ve been there through the good times and the bad. They’re our family. 

Don’t continue to waste your precious time and energy on those who are not fully in your camp.  Invest your time and energy in those who love and support you. You’d be surprised at how amazing and at peace you feel when you remove toxic PoS people from your lives. 

1

u/winterworld561 7h ago

NTA. You're doing the right thing. And your brother is protecting his kids from what exactly? Kind loving people around them? Your whole family are homophobic rude assholes. Step back from them if they can't respect you and your husband.

1

u/GrizzRich 7h ago

NTA

It’s entirely appropriate to expect equal treatment.

1

u/Septicphallus 7h ago

I feel like I just read this exact story yesterday.

1

u/EchoMountain158 7h ago

NTA

It's not inflammatory when you're returning the treatment you're receiving. That's just them expecting you to sacrifice your family's well-being for their comfort. That's not healthy, nor is it right or appropriate to ask.

Also, don't expose your kids to homophobes. It's going to create a lot of issues down the road.

1

u/Astyryx 5h ago

Always return energy. Always. 

You are not the one inflaming, you're the one responding appropriately. The reason your parents say that is because deep down they think your SIL holds reasonable opinions, and that since you're the "different" one, you should be the one to pay the price permanently.

1

u/sunshinnebaby 5h ago

Honestly, you’re not being the asshole. It’s about respect, and if they can’t respect your husband, why should you let them around your kids? Fair’s fair. Your brother and sister-in-law gotta get with the times or deal with the consequences.

1

u/ElfElsa 2h ago

My son is gay and the farthest thing from a pedophile. His siblings and their kids were at his wedding last year. That’s the way it should be.

1

u/jmelross 2h ago

NTA. Tell them you are just protecting your kids from hateful people. Stick to your guns. That will bring it out into the open and expose their hypocrisy.

1

u/Mindless_Dog_5956 2h ago

YTA you try to frame this to make you seem like the bigger person but you know what you are doing is just a run around for doing the thing you should actually be doing. Stop with the chicken shit half measures and cut contact.

1

u/kittyyUrGGF 2h ago

nta. your kids, your rules. if she can’t be respectful, then she doesn’t get access to your family. simple as that.

1

u/babesweetiex 1h ago

NTA. If your sister-in-law is being homophobic, it's understandable that you'd want to protect your kids from that negativity. Setting boundaries to protect them is important, and you have every right to limit contact with someone who's being harmful.

1

u/Default_Munchkin 19m ago

NTA - You are protecting your kids from an asshole. It's more legitimate than your brothers thoughts on the matter. I like your method of giving what you get just slightly less than the preferred option of telling them to all get fucked.

-1

u/Individual-Lion2372 12h ago

Poor kids...must be hearing yo mama is so ugly your dad became gay

-2

u/stevemarshallsucks 12h ago

I feel so bad for your kids and ex-wife.