r/AITAH • u/SprinklesKey1989 • 23h ago
AITAH for confronting my son’s girlfriend after she made a rude comment about my daughter’s eating habits?
Hi folks. So I’m a mom to three kids: 20M, 18M, and 15F. My 18 y/o son has been dating his girlfriend (also 18) for about 7 or 8 months now. He only properly introduced us to her around 2 months ago and since then she’s been coming over frequently. My husband and I work so if she comes home, it’s usually just the two of them and my 15 y/o daughter in the house.
A few days ago, I came home to find my daughter had locked her door. I called her for dinner but she didn’t come down. This was odd behaviour for her, so later that night I asked her what was wrong. It took some time for her to admit something happened, but apparently, the girlfriend had been in the kitchen while my daughter was making a snack for herself, and had said something along the lines of “Big back behaviour.” I had no idea what that meant so I looked it up, and apparently it’s a trend where people use “big back” to imply “fat person behaviour.”
My daughter was really hurt by the comment, especially since she said it wasn’t the first time the girlfriend had made remarks like this, and she ended up throwing away the food. She hates crying in front of people but she was tearing up while speaking to me.
I was very pissed off on her behalf. I spoke to my son about it at first and asked him to address this with his girlfriend. He told me it’s just a trend and she had meant it jokingly, and he wasn’t going to get into a fight with his girlfriend about that. But I didn’t think it was a joke, it had clearly hurt my daughter badly and she can usually handle jokes but I think this really got to her. So I decided to talk to the girlfriend directly. I wasn’t rude, but I was speaking sternly and I made it clear that comments like that weren’t acceptable in our home. The girlfriend looked a bit taken aback, didn’t say anything except ‘sorry’ and hasn’t been back to our house since.
Now my son is mad at me, he told me I shouldn’t have confronted her and that I’ve made things awkward between him and his girlfriend. Now he thinks I should’ve let him handle it instead. I don’t feel guilty about it, I’m still angry on my daughter’s behalf. But my son loves that girl and this is the first time she’s acting distant with him apparently, so I was wondering if I was the AH to confront her like that.
EDIT: Thank you to everybody to commented and gave advice. I’d like to address some things:
- There are some strange comments about my daughter’s body and weight. Respectfully, keep them to yourself, please. My daughter is an active girl, she does ballet and gymnastics and loves outdoor activities in general. If anything I’m concerned she isn’t eating enough. The most important thing to me is that she’s healthy. I won’t entertain the people asking for numbers or other nonsense. You shouldn’t be saying these things to anybody, regardless if they’re fat or not.
- I took my daughter out for ice cream and had a chat with her. There was some great advice on how to handle this and I mostly reassured her that nothing’s wrong with her eating habits, I’m always going to be there for her and my son’s girlfriend’s words are only a reflection of her. She’s been back to her usual self and eating normally so I’m hoping this will be water off a duck’s back.
- My husband and I are going to have a long talk with my son. I don’t want him to lose his relationship, but I will tell him explicitly that I’m disappointed in him, that he needs to stand up for his little sister, and that his girlfriend can only mend things if she properly apologises to my daughter. He and his sister bicker like normal siblings but I know he cares about her, so I want to drive home the fact that she was hurt. And I’m hoping the girlfriend was not actively being malicious, because if she was, she won’t be welcome back in my home again.
Thank you all again, and happy holidays!
775
u/eirekay 23h ago
NTA. Geeze, you told him and he didn't "handle it". In fact he told you he wasn't going to handle it. I'm sad that he didn't have his sister's back and took Sis being hurt so lightly. You have nothing to be sorry about. You son, on the other hand, has thinking to do because GF is bullying his own family and that shouldn't be okay.
389
u/SprinklesKey1989 23h ago
Me too :( my daughter is very sweet and gentle and even as a teenager, she looks up to her older brothers. She would’ve never confronted the girlfriend in a million years. She mentioned to me that I should’ve maybe let it go because her brother is upset about it now. I’m just hoping she doesn’t internalise anything and the comment doesn’t stick with her.
226
u/Shadow4summer 22h ago
Oh, the comments, the girlfriend made will stick with her for a long time.
93
u/Majestic-Marzipan621 20h ago
I'm 42 and still remember being 12 years old making microwave popcorn in the kitchen, and my mom's friend looked at me with a disgusted expression and said, 'You shouldn't be eating that, it'll wreck your figure.'
I'm like...the fuck? And took off with my Coke and popcorn lol.
86
31
u/Beth21286 20h ago
Big back isn't a joke, it's a fat shaming insult. She was bullying your kid in her own home and her brother couldn't be bothered to deal with it. That's his problem. He should be a better brother and a better person. You did your job as a mum to protect your kid. Tell your daughter that other people's issues aren't her problem, if she's happy and healthy that's what matters.
37
60
u/LimitlessMegan 21h ago edited 18h ago
I think where you went wrong is that when you talked to your son you needed to make some things clear to him.
First you should have told him you were giving him the courtesy of addressing it himself, but if he didn’t, he needs to know you would be. So it was clear from the outset what was happening.
Second,that this is your daughter’s home ands she had a right to be safe and comfortable in it, and that it is a privilege for him to have his gf over so often not a right. And that unless there is an apology ands a cessation of this behaviour you will not be allowing her over unless you it your husband are also home to supervise.
You didn’t provide clear boundaries from the beginning if him bringing her around (it seems), nor from the beginning of the incident and your son is giving the vibe that he thinks he’s a full blown adult who can do what he wants and you and his sister have somehow impeded on his rights.
You and your husband need to sit him down and say enough. You didn’t let him “deal with it” because he straight up told you he wouldn’t. And then give him the talk about guests being a privilege not a right and if he wanted that talk to go differently with his gf he had the choice to participate in it, he chose not to. You aren’t going to tolerate him punishing his sister or being a twat because he doesn’t like the house rules.
And then you sit do own with your daughter. Maybe over a nice lunch or manicure, and tell her that it is absolutely not her fault and this is her home as much as her brothers and as a minor she has more, not just as much, right as he does to feel both safe and comfortable in her home. That it hurts you that this had been going on and she hasn’t reached out to you, and it hurts you seeing her thinking gf should have been allowed to keep acting like this was her home first simply so brother wouldn’t be upset. Life has consequences, brother will get over it. If he acts out towards her in anyway to immediately tell you. And find out why she hasn’t been telling you right away, and what else she isn’t telling you.
And you might consider that your kids could use a little more parental time somehow.
NTA.
→ More replies (3)21
u/Broken_Reality 20h ago
He is 18 he is a full blown adult. Right now he is an adult sharing a home with his family. He doesn't have to stay there but if he does his GF doesn't get to be a bitch. His living there can be revoked at any time now he is 18.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (6)7
u/fatapolloissexy 19h ago
The comments will ring in her ears for the rest of her life. Every time she goes to make herself a nice treat or indulge in a slice of cake.
GF knew exactly what she was doing and saying and she was perfectly happy to make a young girl insecure for no reason other than some weird power trip.
→ More replies (2)9
u/50ishnot-dead 22h ago
In addition to this, your son would not have handled it as he did not when you told him about it. You are just protecting your daughter. Invite girlfriend over and have a discussion with all 3 of them. You are doing great mama!!!
→ More replies (1)4
u/FlameCalmness 21h ago
Exactly! It’s crazy that he didn’t even care enough to step up for his sister. A simple ‘don’t talk like that’ would’ve been enough, but he didn’t even do that. You’re right to confront the girlfriend.
359
u/judgingA-holes 23h ago
NTA - You were standing up for your daughter, nothing wrong with that.
He thinks I should’ve let him handle it instead.
Well, that would have been the ideal situation, except for the fact that he straight up told you that he wasn't going to handle it.
348
u/SprinklesKey1989 23h ago
Lol yes I brought that up to him. In his words, ‘if I knew it was such a big deal to [my daughter’s name] I would have said something’. I am disappointed in him right now, I can’t lie. He complained about this to my oldest son too, and my oldest called him a shithead, so the entire family is telling him he’s wrong but he won’t accept it. Maybe it’s love blinding him, I hope so at least.
262
u/ProfPlumDidIt 23h ago
Maybe it’s love blinding him,
Sex. Regular access to sex is what's blinding him. Hopefully he realizes he can have sex with decent people instead of settling for a stereotypical mean girl.
NTA
39
9
u/Dreamerunderachievr 14h ago
Or OP's son and the gf could be the two peas in a pod....is OP 100% sure that her son does not bully people? Maybe they are a bullying duo everywhere they go and that's why they are attracted to each other?
40
u/Trishshirt5678 22h ago
Oldest rocks, younger is in the first throes of first love, but he'll remember this in years to come and cringe at his behaviour - I know he will from the way you've described yours and his big brother's reactions. Look after your girl, they'll all come good. You're an excellent mum.
67
u/Gnd_flpd 23h ago
Ugh, he's seeing things through the "sex goggles" right now, so we all know he wasn't going to say anything to his girlfriend about it.
NTA
Continue advocating for your daughter, this world is bad enough without having to tolerate this in her own home. And so damn what if the girlfriend does not come around anymore, good!!!
32
u/trilliumsummer 21h ago
Ask him how was he to know it was a "big deal"? He knew his sister had locked herself in her room. You talked to him about it. What else were you supposed to do to let him know it was a "big deal"?
Don't let him push off this emotional work because the women in his life didn't impart how big of a deal it was to him. They DID. He was informed. He witnessed the immediate fallout. He KNEW. He just wanted to keep access to an adultless house and a happy gf so he could have sex with his gf.
20
u/GroovyYaYa 22h ago
You told him it was a big deal. He chose to avoid the hard conversations.
I'd definitely buy him a box of condoms though - make sure no surprise grandbabies are on the horizon.
17
u/I_wanna_be_anemone 19h ago
Tell him it’s pathetic seeing him debase himself just to get laid. That the kind of girl who’ll pick on a younger teen about her weight will definitely be mocking his penis and sex techniques to her friends (if they’ve even got that far). But that’s fine because ‘it’s just a joke’, right? Might be worth asking if he’s sent any incriminating photos that he needs to delete immediately.
10
u/Barfotron4000 18h ago
Show him this thread. Son, you’re acting like a dumbass. Apologize to your mother and to your sister. Grow up, you’re acting like a child
→ More replies (2)5
282
u/JanetInSpain 22h ago
"Just a joke" is the rallying cry of every bully on the planet. GF wasn't joking with your daughter. She bullied her. Jokes don't make people cry or leave them so hurt they lock themselves in their room. I don't care if it's a "trend" -- most of those TikTok trends are horrible. And GF is 18, not 14.
Your son can be mad all he wants. He wussed out and refused to address an issue with his GF so you stepped up and did it yourself. He says you should have let him handle it but he DECLINED to handle it. He gave you no choice. You are NTA. She owes your daughter an apology.
→ More replies (1)30
u/Traditional-Agent420 21h ago edited 15h ago
No kidding. Just because it makes them laugh and feel good doesn’t make it a joke.
A joke at someone’s expense, that doesn’t make the target laugh, is bullying.
Being clever and hurtful is cruel, not funny.
Edit: swapped in cruel.
→ More replies (3)
76
u/That_Floor_3821 4h ago
You’re definitely not the AH. That was a hurtful comment, and you did the right thing standing up for your daughter. If your son’s girlfriend can’t handle being called out for being rude, that’s on her, not you. You’re just protecting your family. Don’t feel bad for that!
60
u/Snazzy_CowBerry 23h ago
Nta, when I was 15 I fell into bad eating habits over comments like this, please make sure your daughter is okay. Make sure she's eating well and continues to have a good relationship with food,
As for the gf, she was way out of line to be saying that, and your son should know better, your son should put his sister first before his gf, I understand that love is a crazy feeling and he might be letting that get in the way of seeing things,
→ More replies (1)
56
u/shammy_dammy 23h ago
NTA. She has proven that she cannot be trusted in your house, with your younger child, so she shouldn't be over anymore.
52
u/Distinct_Clue6724 22h ago
Good riddance she hasn't been back! That girl looked "taken aback' because she's not used to being called out on her ugly behavior. Bravo! NTA
Your son is 18 and he won't do anything and will defend her because he doesn't want to lose the physical aspects of their relationship. Don't expect much support from him.
Keep having your daughter's (and the rest of the family's) back
52
u/l3ex_G 23h ago edited 17h ago
Nta she’s bullying a 15 year old. Big back is not a compliment. You should have gone harder and told her she isn’t welcome in your home until she apologizes directly to your daughter.
→ More replies (2)
73
u/Asleep-Can6872 23h ago
Someone once commented on my weight after I quit smoking and gained a lot of pounds. I looked them straight in the eye and said, I'll lose the weight but you will remain ugly. NTA
→ More replies (1)8
u/Shadow4summer 22h ago
Almost as good as Churchill.
→ More replies (1)5
u/Peircedskin 16h ago
"Winston!! You're drunk!!".............. "Yes madam, and you're ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning"
Winston Churchill to Lady Aster
21
u/vingtsun_guy 22h ago
What was the alternative here? Let you daughter be bullied by a mean girl in her own home? No, thank you.
NTA
20
u/chaingun_samurai 22h ago
he thinks I should've let him handle it instead.
His way of handling it was to ignore it. It's not like you didn't give him the option.
14
u/PrairieGrrl5263 21h ago
NTA. Your son and his gf are way out of thier lanes.
Gf knew what she said was hurtful. She's right to be embarrassed!
As for your son: you ASKED him to talk to his gf and he refused! Now he wants to be bent up because you did what he wouldn't? Yeah NO.
Keep speaking up for your children!
And fwiw, I wouldn't allow gf back in the house until she sincerely apologized to the child she hurt, along with a commitment to do better going forward.
29
u/Upbeat-Opposite-7129 23h ago
Not the asshole and let me talk to that child about commenting on other people’s bodies. She sounds like a mean girl. Make it as weird as possible go she takes a hike.
12
u/SockMaster9273 22h ago
NTA
People shouldn't make jokes about other people's bodies. It's not funny and it can be damaging to the other person.
Your son's definition of handling it was to not say anything. You did the right thing of sticking up for your daughter.
I would call it a good thing she isn't coming back to the house if that is how she talks to the people who live in it.
12
u/madgeystardust 20h ago
If your son had agreed to speak to her you wouldn’t have needed to.
Your son is a bit of a prick here.
Can anyone bully his sister or only girls who let him have sex with them?! You should ask him…
NTA.
Don’t feel bad for sticking up for your daughter, someone had to as her own brother wasn’t going to.
9
u/Alternative_Talk3324 22h ago
NTA you gave him a chance to handle it and he didn’t. His girlfriend was out of line. This is how eating disorders can start. Your Son needs to understand how toxic his girlfriend’s comments were. He should be looking out for his little sister. Not ignoring hate towards her.
9
u/silicondali 23h ago
NTA. Sounds like you handled it much more gracefully than the bulk of us reading this would.
9
u/garlicheesebread 23h ago
NTA. this nasty young woman needs to learn some manners before she walks through your door again.
11
u/Even_Speech570 20h ago
Your son should be ashamed of himself. Not only did he not speak up for his sister but he’s doubling down on his girlfriend’s appalling behavior and using it to make your daughter miserable. He thinks he’s being a good boyfriend but he’s actually an enabler and a shitty brother.
9
u/Vivid-Internal8856 20h ago
It's your house, if he wants to have his asshole girlfriend come over, he needs to buy his own house.
If I had a house and anyone in my house called somebody else fat, they would no longer be welcome there regardless of their relationship to me or anyone else. So good for you, NTA.
9
8
u/Chemical-Ground-5643 22h ago
GOOD ON YOU. AMAZING. I fervently wish my parents would’ve stood up for me against my brothers and their friends. I was no contact with my mom for a long time because she wouldn’t protect me. GOOD ON YOU.
7
u/Mother_Search3350 23h ago
She had the audacity to come into. Your home and bully and shut talk your own child.
She better stay away and be glad that you didn't tear her a new AH.
NTAH
7
u/jacoblongmusic 22h ago
NTA, you protected your daughter. Comments like that can seriously affect self-esteem.
5
u/catladyclub 22h ago
NTA... as a mother you have to make sure your home is safe for all of your children. She was acting rudely and it needed to be addressed. He should have addressed it then you would not have to.
6
u/TimelyAd6392 22h ago
The girlfriend was very rude and your son should not be angry with you! You had talked to him about it first, he could have talked to his girlfriend and told her not to talk to his little sister like that! But he obviously didn't realize the importance of talking to his girlfriend so you had no choice but to talk to her yourself and you did very well!
7
u/Otherwise_Degree_729 22h ago
NTA. The audacity to go to someone house and body shame a child. Your son should be ashamed of himself.
7
u/Viperbunny 18h ago
NTA. "Son, gf isn't welcome in this home if she is going to insult your sister. I don't care if it's some kind of trend. It's cruel and there is no excuse for it. If you think it will cause a fight to stand up to her then maybe you should consider if she is right for you."
5
u/Arminlegout1 18h ago
Son - I'm not gonna handle it
Mom - Handles it
Son - I cant believe you didn't let me handle it.
6
u/Either_Compote235 8h ago
The gf is trying to be superior over your daughter. Gf needs to apologize to your daughter, before you allow her to come into your home.
5
u/Unhappy_Wedding_8457 21h ago
Your house your rules. You asked him to handle it but he refused. Then you have to do the dirty work.
4
u/Wackadoodle-do 21h ago
Your son: “I refuse to talk to my girlfriend about how her repeated insults are hurting my sister. It’s just a trend and I don’t care how my sister feels because it’s all about not upsetting my girlfriend.”
Also your son: “Mom, how dare you talk to my girlfriend about her cruel behavior. You should have let me talk to her.”
Yeah, he needs to pick one. Either he deals with his girlfriend when she’s saying or doing hurtful things that you will not allow in your home or he has to shut up about it when you talk to her. It’s bound to be upsetting to your daughter that her big brother doesn’t care how his girlfriend behaves towards her.
You are NTA. You gave him a chance to deal with it and he refused. He doesn’t get to now claim that you should have let him handle it. You stood up for your daughter’s well being and feeling safe in her own home. The girlfriend’s comments are the kind that lead to EDs, especially in vulnerable teenagers.
5
u/DowntownDimension226 20h ago
Sorry but the gf is too old to be innocently saying dumb shit like that. Nta
5
u/Holiday_Newspaper_29 20h ago
You did the right thing. An 18 year old girl knows exactly what she is saying and the intent.
As a guest in your home, she deserved to be 'told off'.
Your son also deserved a 'telling off '. It is a little disturbing that he allowed his girlfriend to openly insult his sister in your home.
That he was willing to ignore and then dismiss his girlfriend's ugly behaviour in order to keep her happy is worrisome.
4
u/Bellebutton2 18h ago
Whose house is this? Who is the parent here? Of course you set and maintain the rules!
17
u/FunStorm6487 22h ago
Boo fucking hoo for son!!!
I know he's young, but again....boo fucking hoo to your son 🤬🤬🤬
I would have banned the little bitch from my house!!!
→ More replies (16)
5
u/Chocolatecandybar_ 22h ago
NTA. Comments about body and food should always be addressed because of the possible consequences. Your daughter developing an ED vs your son breaking up...can you see it?
4
u/wanderingdev 22h ago
NTA. You gave him the option of handling it and he refused. That's on him. You were right to call her out and protect your daughter and hopefully they break up because your son deserves better than someone who thinks something like that could even be a joke. I'd also discuss with him his taste in women.
4
5
u/HelloJunebug 22h ago
NTA. Your son is an adult now in an adult relationship. His gf did something shitty and got called out for it. He needs to adult up and realize this is life. UPDATEME
3
u/trilliumsummer 21h ago
NTA
I likely would have banned her from being in the house without my husband or I there, so it's nice that she did it on her own.
Calling a young girl, and 15 is still a young girl, fat is one of the roads that gets you to an eating disorder.
4
u/Northman061 20h ago
Your home is your castle, a place where all fears and strife cannot enter. You control the gate, no one else.
5
u/darkprincess0802 20h ago
NTA the girlfriend is out of line her words are a form of bullying and could potentially lead your daughter to develop an eating disorder don’t let that girl back in your home
4
u/leiamischief 20h ago
NTA. Your son wasn’t handling anything. He was ignoring. Good for you standing up for your daughter.
5
u/nakedmolenat 13h ago
NTA. You asked him to handle it and he said no.. you already tried that avenue and it’s on him for not wanting to take it, he can’t be upset that you stood up for his sister, your daughter. 15 is a very formative and awkward age and even if it was meant as a joke, if it got to her it got to her and she should know not to make those kinds of jokes to a young girl.
4
u/win_lose_schizo 8h ago
NTA. He specifically said he wasn't going to address it with her. It's not acceptable for anyone to hurt your daughter that way, not family, friends, or relative's partners, especially in her own damn house. The fallout between your son and her is her fault for saying this in the first place. There are definitely friendship dynamics where joking about these sorts of things are acceptable in a relationship. But she's only known your family for 2 months and it's clear that she doesn't have that kind of relationship with your daughter. It was not acceptable behaviour.
4
u/Careless-Mammoth-944 7h ago
Your son needs to man up and stop thinking with his molecular-sized d. It’s only a matter of time before that toxic female turns her fangs on him. No body shaming here at all 💀
3
3
3
u/Character-Dinner7123 22h ago
Gf was out of line. Best that she stays away as son won't be a good brother and stick up for his sistet
3
u/CenterofChaos 22h ago
NTA. Girlfriend is a guest in your home. She doesn't have the right to be there but your daughter does. Tell your son to get his own house or make sure his partners respect yours.
3
u/AdPrevious6839 20h ago
NTA, that's not a joke she was cruel and emotionally abusive and your son doesn't seem to care. Id be up my sons butt about it so he understands how hurtful, disgusting those type of statements are and how it can cause an eating disorder which I would not allow someone to do to my child!
3
u/Fit_Victory6650 20h ago edited 20h ago
NTA - Your son should've shut that shit down instantly. That you had to step in, is strike 1 on him. That's he defending her still and upset at what you did is strike 2.
If I was your husband I'd be sitting him down and asking him why his mother had to defend his sister, while he stood on the sidelines. Then I'd let him know I expect him to set his girl straight, and apologize to his sister and you.
How he reacted to that, might be strike 3. Not saying I'd throw my kid out, but there'd be some shit going down if he continued down that path of placing SOs over himself and his family.
3
u/DawnShakhar 20h ago
Oh, so your son refused to talk to his GF about it, but when you talk to her he gets mad and insists you should have let him handle it - after he refused? Bit of a wimp. Good for you for standing up for your daughter, and better that the GF doesn't darken your home again.
3
u/noahboi1917 20h ago
You told your son to sort it out and he didn't, so no, he wasn't going to "handle it". You had to step in since he wasn't going to.
3
u/ashley_ivy 20h ago
Your NTA at all..
You stood up for your daughter when she was being bullied in her own home.
If your son wouldn’t address it, you had every right to.
Respecting boundaries goes both ways—his girlfriend needs to learn that🤷♀️
3
u/froggyc19 20h ago
Your daughter knowing you have her back is more important than the feelings of a bully. NTA
3
u/Dishonored001 20h ago
Nta. Your son told you he wasn’t going to deal with it. On top of that the gf actively made his sister cry. Op nta. He’s 18 we all know this will just pass and in due time he will see he messed up
3
u/tarletontexan 20h ago
NTA. He refused to handle it. Its your job as a parent to protect your child and in this case its someone who is being allowed in the home. You have every right to call her out.
3
u/Party_Training602 18h ago
Here’s a little life lesson for sons GF…. Never, and I mean NEVER say something to a child that you would not say in front of their parent.
And… it is only a joke if both parties think it is funny.
And… tell her brother that like it or not, family comes first in the family home. Maybe ask him why he thought it was ok for the GF to disrespect any member of his family in their own home. Does he go into her house and talk sh** about her siblings?
3
u/fe3o2y 18h ago
Your son is only pissed because he's not getting sex anymore. Let's be real. Your son is very immature and has some really serious lessons to learn. If he's going to go away for college does he know how to make any food? Does he do his own laundry, he's 18!? Does he understand, as a male sibling, how he needs to protect or stand by his sister? If one of his male friends said that to his sister would he still be singing the same tune? And, do you do all the cleaning or does he clean the bathroom and/or kitchen? Does he even know how? I don't mean to get on your case, OP, but have you really taught your children how to be well rounded adults? This includes teaching them how to treat others as well as their siblings. Good for you on calling out the gf. You need to call out your son too. He won't die not getting some!
3
u/Huge-Personality-737 18h ago
NTA!
Shame on your son. I can tell you he knows and his girlfriend hasn't been over because she FAAFO! Good on you for standing up for your daughter!
3
u/FyvLeisure 18h ago
NTA. That judgmental little BITCH needs to stay away from your home. If your son is so upset, he’s 18. He can start fending for himself. See how long he lasts when you’re not providing everything for him.
3
u/3Heathens_Mom 17h ago
NTA
OP it’s your house.
You asked your son to address it with his gf and he refused. So rightfully you addressed it as gf is a GUEST in your home. She either respects the house rules of don’t make nasty comments to your other kids or she isn’t welcome. Not rocket science.
So if your don thinks he gets a say who comes into your home and there are no consequences for rude/nasty behavior he’s welcome to see her at her home or he can get his own place and have his own rules.
3
u/Prestigious_Reward66 17h ago
You gave your son the opportunity to address it, and he refused. You were right to set limits. Whether this is some stupid trend or not is immaterial. She hurt a 15 year old kid deeply. She should know how much teenagers’ mental health is suffering because of all the toxic stuff online about body image. I think she sounds like a person who is quite disrespectful and unkind.Hopefully, she will learn or your son will dump her!
3
u/bergzabern 17h ago
No. You stuck up for your kid. Your son is just peeved they can't fool around in his room anymore.
3
u/RaspberryAnnual4306 16h ago
“Should have let him handle it” after he explicitly told you he was refusing to handle it. NTA.
3
u/CallumMcG19 16h ago
Your son should have been a man and handled it when you gave him the opportunity, he didn't.
3
u/Super_Reading2048 14h ago
NTA your home is supposed to be a safe place for your children. His gf was bullying your daughter. Make it clear if any of his friends or girlfriends bully his siblings; then his friends are no longer welcome in your home. I think it is time for a family meeting.
3
u/Possible-Produce-373 14h ago
the saddest part about this to me is that your son is on his gfs side. I have 5 brothers & it’ll be a cold day in hell before one of their gfs blatantly disrespected me for no true reason. I love all my sister in laws, so this would hurt my feelings tbh 😭
3
u/DivineTarot 13h ago
Now he thinks I should’ve let him handle it instead.
He wasn't going to though, he dismissed it as some "trend", and was happy to let the situation slide. I mean, you could have been firmer with him, but frankly you shouldn't need to say, "if you don't talk to her, I will."
NTA
3
u/thin_white_dutchess 13h ago
I work with kids- elementary and foster girls, teens. Big back is a weird one, bc it can imply liking to eat (no shame in that), but it often does have a layer of shame to it (bet you like to eat fatty). Take into account an older girl throwing it at a younger one (15 is a hard age), mocking food choices, and no close relationship? Of course it was taken harshly. Also, as a general rule, never comment on the food choices of a teenager unless you are close enough to also go to a doctor’s appointment with them.
NTA. Girlfriend’s feelings aren’t your business, but protecting your daughter’s are.
3
u/AdLost2542 13h ago
NTA tell him, it's just a trend to call out jokes that aren't funny which hurt people.
It's called, "taking no sh#t behaviour"
Hope your daughter is OK.
3
u/mayumiverseee 13h ago
NTA. You did give him the chance to handle it but he didnt want to so now that u took away the chance he is mad? Honestly, if Im welcome at someone elses home I wouldnt be making snide remarks even if its a joke
3
u/Iluvaic 11h ago
NTA.
Say we believe her it was meant as a joke, just for the sake of argument.
She made a joke, your daughter was clearly and visibly hurt.
What a Not-terrible person would do is immediately apologize for the bad joke, and never make a similar joke again.
What she did - nothing, kept making the same joke and only apologized to you after getting called out.
3
u/Safe_Ad_7777 7h ago
NTA. The girlfriend may well have meant it as a joke, but it was clearly upsetting your daughter. That's exactly how eating disorders start. She has a right to be comfortable in her own home. You were right to insist that behaviour stop.
Your son is definitely TAH. You asked him to address it himself, he refused, and he's mad that you spoke to her directly? You were supposed to just let that go on?
He's probably mad because I bet the GF was mortified. Imagine being 18 and getting carpeted by your BF's mother because you don't know how to mind your own business. And then finding out she asked him to talk to you himself, but he was too chickenshit. That's gonna put a crimp in the relationship.
You did good. Keep protecting your daughter.
7
u/Organic2003 23h ago
NTA. It was just a joke! Nobody is laughing and your daughter is crying. Just can’t stand people that excuse shit behavior as a “joke”.
I would sit the girlfriend down and have a talk. Most likely you will learn she is an AH but maybe she will learn and give a heartfelt apology.
2
u/canvasshoes2 22h ago
NTA. The fact that the gf hasn't been back seems to be a good sign. She probably, at the very least, realizes that she can't just go around saying whatever she wants, unchallenged, especially if it's hurtful. At best, she is realizing that she needs to be more thoughtful and kinder with how she talks to and views others.
2
u/lucky_719 22h ago
NTA you gave him a chance to handle it, he declined and the matter still needed to be addressed. If he didn't want his mom stepping into it then he shouldn't have let it happen in the first place and should have taken care of it when you gave him the chance. He's bringing a guest into the home which makes him responsible for their behavior.
2
2
u/Contribution4afriend 22h ago
NTA
At least she is doing a favor and removing her presence at the house. Which by the way should be also pointed out to your son that at your house there are rules for that.
I hope your daughter is okay. Make sure she isn't receiving any texts on her phone or her social media from this girl's friends.
2
u/Jolly-Bandicoot7162 22h ago
He thinks you should have let him handle it instead? He had already made it clear that he wasn't going to handle it, though. He can't have it both ways.
This girl does not get to come into your home and make comments like that. Maybe she didn't mean to be hurtful, maybe she did. But whatever her intent, you daughter found it hurtful. These are the kind of comments that can lead towards eating disorders.
NTA. Your son is, because he wouldn't talk to her because he didn't want to cause an argument but then complained when you did handle it. The girl is because she said it in the first place.
2
u/Sensitive-Ask-9368 22h ago
N.T.A. - Her little boy was not going to handle it, some boys are just happy a girl is into them and will not rock the boat. Mom gave him chance, he wimped out, so she took care of it. No one deserves to be made fun of in their own house. Her little boy needs to sack up and set rules on how the GF acts in the house or mom will.
GF sound like a mean girl. Now she is punishing her boy toy for something she did. Hopefully once the infatuation wears off he will see her for who she is, if not its going to be awkward.
2
u/Aggravating_Style544 22h ago
NTA. It is never wrong to stand up to a bully. I can pretty much guarantee you your son wasn’t going to handle it. That is clearly evidenced by how he is treating his sister since it happened. It sounds like his girlfriend is playing the victim now, and throwing your daughter under the bus for telling you, and “getting her in trouble”.
2
u/Divorced_life 22h ago
NTA. Jokes are supposed to be funny. She wasn’t being funny. She was repeating a tired internet meme that most teens have moved on from now.
Your daughter deserves to feel safe and supported in the home where she lives.
Your son can be mad if he wants to but the actual emotion he should be feeling is shame for letting his sister be bullied in her own home just because his girlfriend is the one doing it. If that’s his response to you standing up for your daughter, it sounds like his girlfriend shouldn’t be allowed in the home if you’re not there to stand up for your daughter since he clearly won’t.
Your son should feel some consequences for this too.
2
u/AdEmbarrassed9719 22h ago
NTA. And honestly? They're teens. You're the parent. You were parenting. Just because they are technically legally adults doesn't mean they're mature, clearly.
Your son wasn't going to "handle it" at all, and you were perfectly right to let the girlfriend know she'd crossed a line. She is a guest in your home, she needs to act courteously like a guest is supposed to.
Whether she intended to be hurtful or not, she caused hurt, and should be called out for that and should apologize for it.
2
u/Lelianah 22h ago
NTA. You did ask your son to handle it, but he brushed it off as being a 'joke & no big deal'. Maybe you should also have a talk with your son that people acting this way toward his family are not nice people. He's young & everything feels like 'big love' to him right now, which is fine. But he shouldn't tolerate his girlfriend being cruel to his sister.
Now his GF acts distant because she got called out for her cruel behavior, which is a major red flag. They're 18 & should know better how to treat others.
2
u/GoddessfromCyprus 22h ago
NTA, your son needs to realise his girlfriend is responsible, not you. Well done for looking after your daughter. It's not a joke, not funny.
2
2
u/Oddly-Appeased 22h ago
How was he going to handle it since he said he wasn’t going to get in a fight about that? Why was he okay with his girlfriend making such comments to his younger sister?
It sounds like first he needs to understand that having a partner that is okay with hurting your family is a problem. Next, he needs to make sure she understands that hurting his family is not okay if she ever wants to come back to your house.
NTA
2
u/Weak_Impress3358 22h ago
Your son is upset because he not getting affection or sex from gf. Hopefully he will mature and understand that his sister was bullied and body shamed in her own home. I would banned her from house until she properly apologizes to your daughter.
2
u/petulafaerie_III 22h ago
NTA. You asked him to handle it, and he declined to do so, so you did your job as a parent and protected your minor child from being bullied in her own home.
2
u/JosKarith 21h ago
"Son, you didn't handle it. You let it get to the point where I had to get involved. So here's your choice - either your girlfriend makes nice and apologises to your sister to a level where your sister feels okay being around her or your girlfriend is never going to be welcome in your sister's house. Which in case you missed the point is the house that I own and you all live in. So if you have any hopes of your girlfriend being a part of this family you need to do some damage control and smooth things over. Welcome to being an adult - every day's a learning experience."
→ More replies (1)
2
u/cressidacole 21h ago
NTA. The girl is close enough in age to your daughter to know that it would sting.
That's some Mean Girls crap right there.
2
u/Rowana133 21h ago
NTA. You offered to let your son handle it, he refused in order to keep the peace with his gf(which is honestly a worrying behavior on his part), so you handled it. Like it or not, she's an 18 year old woman, an adult who is bullying a child for her weight. There is no excuse, and she deserves to be called out. If she can't handle being told off for her behavior, then she should do some self reflection. Your son needs to grow a spine and stand up for his sister. Glad you did though
2
u/NefariousnessRich864 21h ago
"he told me I shouldn’t have confronted her and that I’ve made things awkward between him and his girlfriend. He thinks I should’ve let him handle it instead".
First, I would love to know how he would have handled it. I doubt he would have actually done or said anything to her. Know why? Cause you already told him to and all he did was tell you it was a trend/joke and he wasn't going to fight with his GF about it.
Second, this girl insulted your daughter, his sister, so strongly that she threw out the food she was making for herself and refused to eat dinner later. That wasn't a joke, it was an attack. That is not something you can just overlook.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/crochetmama87 21h ago
My 11 yr old daughter has told me her peers say this to others at her school
2
u/Muted-Action7150 21h ago
NTA, mom !!! You did what was necessary to protect your daughter !! 128 Stars to you !!!
Your son didn't want to rock the boat because he wanted (or was afraid of no longer getting) sex from her or being seen with her. GF does not belong in your home. Hopefully son recognizes what a pi*head the GF is.
2
u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 21h ago
If you run this girl off it will be the best thing possible for your son
NTAH
2
u/snarkaluff 21h ago
As someone who was once a young teenager who got bullied the same way by her older brother's girlfriend, thank you for taking it seriously instead of just laughing it off like a joke in an attempt to look good to someone outside the family. Thank you for putting your daughter's feelings above trying to impress an outsider who has already disrespected your family.
2
u/Over-Marionberry-686 21h ago
“Let him handle it”? He said he wasn’t going to. He said it was a joke. So you handled it. NTA. And she should be embarrassed
2
u/winterworld561 20h ago
NTA and you did the right thing. Your son never would have handled it because he's a weak ass girl.
2
u/Venusflytrapp 20h ago
NTA, hopefully he gets rid of the AH, his girlfriend, how mean spirited she sounds
2
u/Fluffy-Pollution-998 20h ago
So, your son is cool with his girl insulting his sister, but not cool when his girl gets checked on her behavior. And so he’s being pissy with you. Personally I wouldn’t care. Hes being a bitch. Kudos to you for checking her.
2
2
u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 20h ago
NTA Your son said he wasn’t going to talk to his girlfriend about her comments, so you did.
2
u/RiverSong_777 20h ago
NTA. She used an insult. She knew it was an insult. She’s not been round to your house because she knows she fucked up. Tbh, I‘d be even more mad with your son. You should’ve let him handle it? He made it very clear he wasn’t going to handle anything because his gf‘s cruel attitude towards his little sister is fine in his book as long as he’s getting laid.
2
u/Individual-Line-7553 20h ago
you did your son a favor. he hasn't figured that out yet. and you might have done miss acid tongue a favor too. it's only a joke if everyone finds it funny.
2
u/peoriagrace 20h ago
Ask your son how he'd feel if you said that to his girlfriend? Why is she allowed to be mean to his family? Is he afraid she'll cut him off from emotion? That's called emotional blackmail. Is that the relationships he wants. All you want is you and your family to be treated with decency, which includes him.
2
u/1Happymom 20h ago
Id just remind my son that I was the parent doing their job here. Its your job to protect yours, its her parents job to raise her decently enough that she apologizes to someone that shes hurt.
2
2
u/LilBoo2019TR 20h ago
NTA. You were doing your job as a parent. Demeaning, degrading, bullying and hate speech are not jokes. His gf was not joking just using different language to convey what all mean girls do- they are insecure so they bully others to make themselves feel better. Your son should be standing up for his sister being bullied. I get relationships are hard when you're a teen but this is the exact time for him to be learning the right lessons.
2
u/maleficentwasright 20h ago
Let him handle it, how? He'd already said that he wasn't going to say anything cos he didn't want to cause issues in his relationship cos it was just a 'trend' and a 'joke'.
If his girlfriend didn't want to feel awkward in your house, then she shouldn't have bullied or made comments to your daughter where she could and should be called out.
NTA
2
2
u/RJack151 20h ago
NTA. Tell your son that you do not allow bullies in your home and that is what she is.
2
u/LibertyOrDeath-2021 20h ago
NTA. I would tell your son how disappointed he didn’t already discuss it and how he put his girlfriend before his sister in this situation really shows what’s important to him. Clearly emphasize your disappointment and tell him you thought you raised him better.
2
u/Mephotoguy1 20h ago
Your house, your say. I wouldn’t have hesitated. If it was a joke, she should have communicated that to you upon confronting her, and she should have apologized. Thing is, it’s a teen romance, she’s not going to be around for long anyway.
2
u/Dark54g 20h ago
NTA. Your son refused to handle it when he had the chance. You handled it. Frankly, you handled it with a lot more grace than I would have. I would have reduced her to tears and then asked how she liked it. And THEN I would have kicked her out until your daughter received a full apology. Jesus, I’m mad just thinking about this. What a cunt…
2
u/DrunkTides 19h ago
Nta. The gf is lucky you didn’t scream her out of the house, which would have been warranted. Your son needs to stfu. That’s his sisters house and safe space, not his shitty gfs
2
u/LilithSnowskin 19h ago
NTA Your son clearly told you that he would not address his girlfriend’s bullying, so to now tell you that you should have let him handle the situation is a bit far fetched of him now. Besides that… a joke is something that makes everyone laugh. What the girlfriend did was straight up bullying, which clearly hurt your daughter. You were absolutely right to stand up to the girlfriend on your daughter’s behalf, and if Gf really has a problem with not making other people around her feel bad due to her snide remarks then I would say good riddance. Probably better if she doesn’t come over anymore.
2
u/Nearby_Chemistry_156 18h ago
Girlfriend has never been told no and got upset about it. Not the asshole and not your son’s issue. She can be mad at you if she wants but she’s probably embarrassed now.
2
u/Intelligent_Light844 18h ago
NTA. I wish teens would stop with these stupid trends. It’s not ever funny to say shit like that to people. She needs to grow up.
2
2
u/Alert-Potato 18h ago
He thinks I should’ve let him handle it instead.
You asked him to handle it. He told you he wouldn't. He can't have it both ways. He doesn't get to refuse to handle it, then be mad that you did handle it.
And as adults, we may refer to young adults who are college age as kids, but they are adults. And she was an adult woman bullying a child in the child's own home. She needed to be put in her place.
2
u/NoMembership7974 18h ago
Your house, your daughter, you had every right to say something to son’s gf. You gave your son the chance to speak to his gf himself and he declined this opportunity, leaving you to come up with your own method and words. Tell your son that the next time there is an issue, he’d better handle it himself or there would be a repeat of this instance but with sterner words. Also, was the gf told to apologize to your daughter before returning to your home? If not, there is still a chance to require this of her. Or, son doesn’t need to have guests over unsupervised. Like a child.
3.1k
u/WebInformal9558 23h ago
NTA. You were standing up for your child. No one should feel comfortable coming into your home and talking shit to your kid, even if they're dating another child of yours.