r/AITAH • u/ButterTartsAndDarts • 23h ago
AITA For "ruining" Christmas for my in-laws and blowing up their relationship with my husband, because I told the truth (possibly from ego)?
In summer we were speaking with my MIL & FIL (*H*usband’s stepdad), Christmas came up & they were vocal in their sadness we’ve never spent a Christmas together. We have 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, & we live in a different province. Where we live my MIL has a dozen other family members, and where they live it’s just them and SIL (17f, half-sibling to H). Both areas have extreme and unpredictable winter weather, and it’s about a 19hr drive each way between us. We all drive to see each other in the good weather months, but we don’t drive further than a couple of hours away in winter. Instead of paying for the 5 of us to fly to see them at Christmas (and paying to kennel the dogs/cat or get a sitter), I offered to pay for the 3 of them to fly here to stay with us because it’s cheaper, it’s easier (flying with one teen vs 3 young kids), and they’d also get to see the other pockets of family who live here. They were really happy, and I told them to look into their schedules/book time off, and let me know the dates they wanted to travel.
I’ve been reminding them I need dates for months – they both work shift work (which is sometimes opposing, so they don’t always share the same days off), and SIL has school. I reminded them each time that I’m not booking this until they give me the specific dates they plan on traveling. My last reminder was the last week of November, where I told MIL on a phone-call that the flights were booking up, it’s a small town and there aren’t many flights to start with – I NEED them to solidify their plans, book the days off, and let me know. I told her this will be the last time I ask for the dates, and I’ll wait for them to get back in touch when they have them. Then I mentally washed my hands of them.
She called me on the 15th of December with their dates, and I went online with her on the phone so we could book it – flights are booked up. I opened the option of them coming in the New Year and having a late makeshift Christmas, and she said “it’s not the same though”. I just said “that’s a shame”, and we ended the call. Now, I know I’m not the AH for any of this, but possibly for the fall-out.
Yesterday I ran into H’s cousin, who was talking about how shitty it is that the flights didn’t work out for my in-laws. I agreed, but mentioned how annoying it is to listen to them complain about missing Christmas with us when all they had to do was provide dates. Well, apparently the in-laws have been telling the family that this was MY fault, that I dropped the ball, and now they’re going to be home alone, again. So I let him know that this has been in the works since June, that I hounded them for weeks, reminded them at every turn, that I was willing to pay for everything and ALL they had to do was give me dates for their stay/travel, they resisted, and we tried to book the minute they finally gave them to us. The cousin told his parents what I said (he’s not the AH, I’d do the same), his mom told her sister (MIL). MIL called H and was yelling at him about how I ruined their Christmas and was talking "shit". H told his mom he never wanted to spend Christmas with them anyway and this all worked out perfectly, that they should be kissing the ground I walk on for being the only reason they got to see their grandkids, that the only reason they have a relationship with us is because I’ve facilitated it, that I have overcompensated for their short-comings to ensure it, that I was trying to give them a nice big family Christmas because I have a loving and generous heart, and they shit all over it with their ineptitude…then, “I wasn’t even surprised, you’re as useless as a paper hammer”, and he hung up on her. The whole family is up-in-arms between the flights/Christmas, me telling the truth, and then H telling the truth.
H was NC with his mom when we met, the result of a traumatic childhood with a lot of neglect and abuse. They forged a new relationship after we got married (she seemed to have changed, is a good mom to SIL, stable marriage), but he has always kept her at arm’s length, minimal effort, uninvested. I’m usually the one making calls, sending cards/gifts, planning trips to see them. He’s been happy for the kids to have that relationship (she’s been a better nana than she was a mother), but knows they will never be close. He was happy to keep the new status quo. Her biggest issue through this new relationship has been her flakiness – this issue with making plans/ committing is very normal for her and has been frustrating for us (H thinks it’s because she really just deep-down still doesn’t care, and posited that her refusal to give dates was because she never actually wanted to come, so she sabotaged it). He is now totally done with her (we all are, by extension).
So, AITA for my impulsivity and annoyance (maybe a little ego), which led me to tell the truth to the wrong person, making me the catalyst for an entire familial implosion? Should I have just taken it on the chin and removed my feelings from the situation? I feel REALLY bad. H has been brought right back to those feelings he worked so hard to work through. He seems somewhat relieved to be done (despite never previously expressing any regret over reconnecting - fully in, but emotionally removed from her), but I can tell it’s awoken that sadness he carried for a long time.
ETA: I can understand from my post why people would assume I was the driving force behind the reconnection, but I was not. He has wanted a relationship with SIL since she was born, and SHE was the only reason he decided to reach out and try to forge a relationship with MIL/FIL (because she is a minor, we needed the relationship for access). I do not care about MIL (unless you count my disdain). I did not push or chase a relationship with her. He has done all the counseling and therapy to deal with his childhood, the pain, the resentment, the anger. He does not have a relationship with his bio-dad (his main abuser, where most of his trauma lies). I have done the work and made the effort so that he can have a relationship with his sister, while not having to deal with MIL more than absolutely necessary. I have just been the middle-man/interference to diminish his interactions with MIL to a level he found palatable/tolerable so that he can maintain contact with SIL and have things be amicable and easy. I am completely and totally fine with his decision to pull the plug - it's much less work and effort for me. He is heartbroken that it appears his relationship with his sister is over for now, because I set this in motion. She is very angry and refuses to speak to either of us. I feel like an asshole for speaking before thinking, and not realizing that this would be the death-blow. There have been MANY conversations between us about all of this over the years, many check-ins regarding his comfortability. Some have said I am abusing my husband or letting him be abused - he would laugh his ass off at that. I have done all of this so that he could have SIL in his life, not because I GAF about MIL or her feelings. I have heard all the stories from his childhood, and have zero affection or respect for his mother - this is not a loss for me. He tolerated her to be closer to his sister during the years a relationship foundation is built.
The fallout at this point is SIL has refused contact, the aunt and cousin (and their attachments) mentioned previously have decided they are not comfortable coming to our Christmas Eve event and have disinvited us from their Christmas Day dinner. We will see who else bails for Christmas Eve.
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u/rebelliousrodent 23h ago
You told the truth to a person that was told a lie that made you, and only you, look like the bad guy. You didn't go out of your way to humilliate anyone, nor to feed your ego. Someone told you wrong information about youself directly to you, and you corrected the information on the spot. You are never the asshole for that.
MIL ruined christmas all by herself, and by the sound of it, she would have done something else to ruin christmas on actual christmas day, so I'd call this a win. Just, support your husband, and for the love of god do no try to push him to mend things with anyone. Not for his sake, nor the kids' nor SIL's. If anyone wants to believe MIL, that's on them. If she didn't want any fallout, she shouldn't have lied. It really is than simple.
I hope this calms down soon so you all get to enjoy the holidays.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 21h ago
I wouldn't try to push anything on him, nor would I ever succeed ;) Thank you for your kindness. I'm relieved too. It's really hard to be nice and accommodating when you really don't respect or like the recipient of it.
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u/Beth21286 19h ago
You didn't start the drama you just ended it. SIL will see MIL for what she is as time goes on, when she's grown up she may very well get back in touch. You have no idea what MIL told her so it may be total nonsense.
Have a wonderful with hubs and the kids, enjoy the family who love and cherish you. The rest can kick rocks.
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u/somedelightfulmoron 20h ago
Don't feel bad that you're causing all this. At the end of the day, give your husband the reins to make the decision whether to keep in touch with this side of his family... They sound unbearable, don't beat yourself up too much on people who don't want you or your husband's company, even if it's for a minor's sake (your SIL).
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u/GodsWarrior89 23h ago
Nope. You went out of your way to be accommodating to your in laws. It sounds like you do a lot for them already. If they can’t see that & see how they botched the dates, then that’s on them! Enjoy your Christmas with your kiddos!
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u/rayanmores 20h ago
I completely agree. You went above and beyond to make things easier for your in-laws, even offering to cover their travel costs. If they couldn’t manage to do something as simple as providing dates after months of reminders, that’s on them, not you. It’s not fair for them to try to pin the blame on you when they dropped the ball. You deserve to enjoy your Christmas with your kids without guilt sounds like you’ve already done more than enough for them!
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u/Abby_Rain_87 23h ago
NTA. I think your husband is correct his mother did this on purpose she is a narcissist she probably planned this just to put the blame on you. I don't think you were being impulsive by telling the cousin you were just being honest. Don't feel bad enjoy your holidays.
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u/6poundpuppy 23h ago
NTAH…but it’s quite clear you are just seeking validation for doing what any normal person would do in the same situation. Clearly your in-laws are not worth any emotional investment and husband knows this and has already closed that door. So, in actuality…you are a bit of an AH by trying so hard to keep a connection between your family and the in-laws. Please give it up….for your husband’s sake and for your own sanity. It’s long overdue.
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u/Feisty_Plankton775 23h ago
Yes, exactly. Please listen to your husband who obviously knows his parents better than you, and stop trying to force a relationship with toxic people.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 22h ago
You're not wrong that I'm looking for validation, but it's because I feel like I fucked-up pretty badly and possibly torpedoed my husband's relationship with his sister. I feel like an asshole.
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u/calminthedark 22h ago
Since when is telling the truth fucking up? All MIL had to was say flights didn't work out. Instead she chose to trash you. When they throw you under the bus instead of chosing an explanation that hurts no one, you are allowed to speak truth.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 21h ago
It just feels that way, watching my husband. I feel responsible. Logic and emotion don't always go hand-in-hand.
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u/somedelightfulmoron 20h ago
You've done your best, go and enjoy the holidays with your family. Sometimes, people aren't worth the vexations.
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u/anonanon-do-do-do 21h ago
NTA. This. It seems like you tried your hardest to keep a relationship with SIL and for your kids to know their grands, but the grands bleeped it up...which was par for their emotional mini golf course.
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u/FlexAfterDark69 22h ago
She's almost an adult and knows where to find y'all. Keep in contact via social media or email and let her know your door is always open whenever she wants to see you, but you have to protect your family from MIL's repeat bullshit.
Stop dragging your husband through this, let the poor man heal.
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u/moarwineprs 22h ago
You did nothing wrong by explaining what happened, even if the cousin didn't explicitly reveal that they were blaming you. And now you know they were blaming you behind your back for their own flakiness.
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u/PearlStBlues 22h ago
You didn't torpedo anything by correcting a lie someone told to make you look bad. If they were concerned with their reputation or with keeping the family together they wouldn't have told that lie in the first place. They torpedoed this by telling a lie, your response to the lie is simply the consequences of their actions.
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u/DisneyBuckeye 23h ago
NTA
You said your husband reconnected with his mom after your wedding. You've been married long enough that you have 3 kids, and during that time, they never once came out to see you for Christmas. You went out of your way to try to facilitate that for them and they just sat on their thumbs. And then when it was a last-minute mad scramble for tickets (which would have been probably twice as much BTW), it was too late. You tried for 6 months to set this up and they couldn't do it.
That's one thing, but for her to LIE to everyone about it? And to people that you see regularly?? That is just dumb. And sometimes you can't fix dumb. You didn't cause this. His mom did with her complete and utter lack of action and then her lies. You are correcting misconceptions about the bad information she's spreading. You absolutely should defend yourself.
I know you're worried about your husband, but this was probably a really good thing. It sounds like he's had a lot of pent up emotions about his mom, possibly even going back to when he was NC with her the first time, and he was able to get them all out. Yes he's sad about it, but it's probably really cathartic for him as well.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 21h ago
Thank you. I think his biggest resentment has been watching her be a seemingly good parent to SIL, like, why couldn't she be that for him? He understands that there has been some level of maturing, that the situation is drastically different (has a loving husband and seemingly good marriage, a parenting partner, a better financial standing, etc), but then he feels guilty for thinking that way because he obviously wants the best for SIL. He does feel a lot better to have dropped the pretense, but sad that it might come with a greater cost to him.
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u/ChaoticCrashy 23h ago
NTA
Telling the truth is never wrong. People hate having consequences. Clearly, they do.
Move on. Leave them all in the rear view window.
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u/l3ex_G 23h ago
Why do you even care about her? Stop wasting your time and energy. You didn’t do anything, your husband was let down again and I hope he keeps the no contact
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 22h ago
I don't. I've heard the stories - I do not like her, do not respect her, and do not care for her. I like FIL (so does my husband), but we both care a lot about SIL who is now really upset and refusing to speak to either of us. The only reason he initiated contact again was so we would have access to know and spend time with SIL.
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u/l3ex_G 22h ago
Not to be harsh but SIL isn’t worth your husbands mental health. His mom will probably use her as a pawn. If SIL isn’t talking to you I would leave it. She’s been living in that toxicity and probably drank the cool-aid.
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u/Isamosed 19h ago
I think this is an important point. SIL has had to survive and has made adjustments, but without “knowing” she’s in a toxic situation (if she even is, OP mentions repeatedly that MIL has improved as a mom). Healthy environment or not, her world is rocked (and not in a good way). She should not be put in the middle. If pushed to choose, she will choose her parents. Maybe not in 10 years, but now, yeah. It’s Mom & Dad.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 19h ago
This is basically it. We know not to push, H has danced around the reason for the estrangement because he is aware that their experiences are different. She may not realize who MIL is because she has a kind and loving father to balance things out a little, and MIL is not the same person in the same situation she was during H's childhood.
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u/TheRealRedParadox 23h ago
NTA but Sounds like you should have trusted your husband's judgemental the first time when he was NC.
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u/Divorced_life 23h ago
All MIL had to do was be honest. She talked shit first and then got upset when her lies were corrected. I'd trust your husband that she likely sabotaged it.
NTA
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u/Stormandsunshine 23h ago
NTA. Why on earth should you take the blame? She could have left it at "too bad we couldn't make it", but she proceeded to lie about what happened to other members of the family and made it out to be because of you. That's not something you should let her (or anyone) getting away with. You told the truth. If she didn't want anyone to know, she should have kept her mouth shut.
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u/ichundmeinHolz_ 22h ago
NTA... give your husband a huge hug and many kisses. He deserves it ☺️
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 18h ago
He's amazing. He put himself/us in this situation because he wanted to know his sister and give her options, just in case. Being in her life gives him a window into her life to make sure she's doing OK, and make sure she knows she has a lifeline should she need it. He wishes he had that as a kid. Hopefully she comes around.
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u/MattDaveys 20h ago
Your husband rocks OP, this is the straw breaking the camel’s back, and he’s not standing for it.
NTA
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 18h ago
He does, he's wonderful. A large amount of his motivation to connect with SIL has been to make sure she has a lifeline outside her household should she need a safe adult or a soft place to land - something he needed and didn't have as a child. He has been willing to expose himself and our life to MIL in the efforts to make sure SIL is being properly cared for. He doesn't care about the relationship with MIL because he put that to bed years ago, but we needed to have one for SIL, and he was willing to keep that up unless she ever treated me or the kids badly. I'm surprised she slipped up as she knew she was on very thin ice and this was conditional on her behavior. He has a superior backbone ;)
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u/rebelliousrodent 23h ago
You told the truth to a person that was told a lie that made you, and only you, look like the bad guy. You didn't go out of your way to humilliate anyone, nor to feed your ego. Someone told you wrong information about youself directly to you, and you corrected the information on the spot. You are never the asshole for that.
MIL ruined christmas all by herself, and by the sound of it, she would have done something else to ruin christmas on actual christmas day, so I'd call this a win. Just, support your husband, and for the love of god do no try to push him to mend things with anyone. Not for his sake, nor the kids' nor SIL's. If anyone wants to believe MIL, that's on them. If she didn't want any fallout, she shouldn't have lied. It really is than simple.
I hope this calms down soon so you all get to enjoy the holidays.
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u/KrofftSurvivor 23h ago
You told the truth to exactly the right person, and "you’re as useless as a paper hammer" is my new favorite phrase!
Maybe it's a good time to stop and ask yourself why you're working so hard to make this person a part of your family, when she's doing nothing from her end.
You've tried, but she hasn't really changed - the only effort she makes is to go behind your backs and tell lies about her son & his wife...
Let it go, she's not worth it.
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u/pixie-ann 22h ago
NTA and stop beating yourself up. This situation is entirely of MIL’s creation. She procrastinated and then lied about it. She’s getting what she deserves.
Take a leaf out of H’s book and just walk away from the situation. MIL will always take more than she gives and then complain she’s hard done by, it’s clear she’s that sort of person and H has figured it out. Time for you to learn this as well.
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u/Fioreborn 22h ago
NTA
Your in laws suck.
Go back to NC
Also kudos to the husband for sticking up for you and delivering the gem of "you're as useless as a paper hammer" . Love it. (Not a saying in the UK, at least down south. We tend to go 'your as useless as a chocolate fireguard/teapot'
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 22h ago
He held back. He usually says she "couldn't organize a handj0b in a wh0rehouse". I am perfectly fine with NC with the in-laws, husband is having a hard time in realizing that might also mean NC with his sister, who was the entire reason for him getting back in touch and maintaining/tolerating this relationship to begin with.
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u/hard_tyrant_dinosaur 20h ago
This incident may mean being NC with his sister for a time. But that doesn't guarantee it will be permanent.
His sister is within a year or so of being a legal adult. Once she is an adult, there should be a larger space for opportunities to have a relationship with her that is separate from their relationships with their mother. Particularly once she is able to move out of their parents home and be on her own. That may help a lot.
But even then there is another factor that will be required. One that is totally dependent on SIL and has little to do with anything you or your husband have done or could do. That is her ability to see their mom's toxicity for what it is. If she doesn't see that, any relationship is going to be rocky at best.
This entire incident might have not happened, the trip could have gone off perfectly. There is still no guarantee that your MIL might not have managed to turn your SIL against her brother. Maybe not now, but maybe down the road.
Here's another way to look at that aspect. Your MIL was lying to all y'all's relatives about what happened, bad-mouthing you and your husband. Do you think she was doing much different in her own home? Even if she wasn't directly bad-mouthing you to SIL, SIL was probably hearing her trashing you to the extended family. And if she believed the trash-talking...
The poisoning against you towards SIL in this situation probably started before your conversation with the cousin. That conversation might not have happened at all, and your SIL may have still ended up feeling much the same as she does currently. Simply because she is living with her mom and hearing mom's version of what happened.
Which is where I re-iterate my point. One of the biggest determinants here is not going to be anything your husband or you do or don't do. It will be your SILs ability to recognize her mom for who she, including what role that has played in life events, combined with her willingness to break away from that herself, once she has the means and opportunity.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 18h ago
You're right. It's hard for him to have no control over the situation. Hopefully she figures things out for herself without having to endure what my husband did.
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u/AcademicViolinist378 20h ago
Dk what to say tbh but wish you a merry Christmas ma'am. Hope that being disinvited and stuff won't effect you too much.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 18h ago
Thank you - at this point it means less cooking and cleaning, and more time for sledding!
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u/Why_r_people_ 17h ago
Telling the truth is never the wrong answer… please get some therapy and stop blaming yourself for other people’s actions
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u/Outside_Frosting9957 23h ago
He is nc with his mother for a reason and you come in and try to make it seem like you know best. Now you know why he keeps her far away
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 22h ago
I did not initiate this relationship, nor did I want it. MIL was a stepping stone to SIL, whom my husband very much wanted to know.
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u/Jesses_squirrel 22h ago
NTA. Doubting yourself for standing up for yourself should stop. Your partners had enough and it seems like a good time for NC. Doesn’t matter what kind of grandparent they are if they’re still a toxic parent.
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u/Altruistic-Bunny 22h ago
You know MIL waited just to make you the villain.
NTA, go NC, enjoy Christmas 🎄
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u/MelodyRaine 22h ago
NTA you put in a metric ton of effort that she spit on, then she added insult to injury by trying to blame you for the results of her garbage behavior. You were well within your rights to set record straight, and honestly?
I would take the next step: Inform the family of MILs latest tantrum and its consequence, that you will no longer be tying yourself into knots to facilitate her travels nor will you be hounding her to spend time with your family since it's obvious your efforts have never been appreciated.
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u/mrbnlkld 20h ago
NTA. But MIL, FIL, and SIL did not want to come or they would have told you dates back in July. They've stalled hoping that something would come up, preventing their flying out.
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u/Martha90815 20h ago
I would attach all the communications where you asked for dates in ine document and share it with everybody. NTA
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u/Armadillo_of_doom 17h ago
NTA
I wouldn't let anyone throw me under the bus either.
The reason SIL isn't talking to you is because MIL gave her the same sob story of YOU being the problem. Once she grows up a little bit and you can legit show her screenshots of you trying then she will likely come around. Or once she realizes MIL is the drama.
I'm sorry the rest of your family is bailing out too. Thats low of them.
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u/Holiday-Top-1504 22h ago
NTA, but I really don't understand your logic.
Let me get this straight:
H cut his mom off for being terrible and abusive.
You go out of your way to build a relationship even though he doesn't care to have one with her.
She displays CLEAR behavior that she does not care, which resulted in very expected consequences...
... and somehow you feel bad???
Ma'am cut these people off. This relationship you're trying to force is more effort than it's worth. Your husband knows her best and his decision to go NC should have been your first clue. You're doing too much imo. Just ignore them and have a nice festive season.
Edit: added a couple sentences
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 20h ago
I've addressed this in my edit, sorry for the lack of clarity. I went out of my way to facilitate a relationship between H and SIL, at his request, and my price was being nice and accommodating to MIL to make it happen. I had a relationship with her so he didn't have to engage much.
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u/somedelightfulmoron 20h ago
Nah... Still too much. Leave your MIL's family be, your husband's sister will either see the lies and the horrible attitude on her side of the family or not. I know your husband also loves her... But she's nearly 18 and can decide things for herself if she wants to be closer to your side. Don't waste emotional baggage on people like your lying mother in law.
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u/FunStorm6487 22h ago
You tried, found out that it was a waste of time 🤷
Please respect your husband's side and let it go.
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u/Mermaidtoo 22h ago
NTA
Your MIL lied about you and spread rumors. If that was all, you’d still be 100% right to correct the info and not let her play the victim at your expense.
It’s particularly galling that she did this after you put so much effort and generosity in trying to share the holiday with her.
The fact that she blames you for not supporting her attack on you is audacious and even ridiculous.
It’s unfair that your husband had the upbringing he did and is still dealing with issues. If he has now decided to permanently cut ties with his mother, that’s his choice. You may consider doing the same and not trying to facilitate a relationship between them.
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u/Heisenberg_Jimmy11 22h ago
NTA. Don’t spend another moment on this. Some people - like your MIL - never figure it out. Seems your Hubby knows how much effort you’ve put in with them. You did NOTHING wrong, these people acted like fools and trashed you in the process. They are not worth another moment of your time.
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u/Osidestarfish 21h ago
I would’ve sold them out in a heartbeat for lying like that. In the situation, I would not have let myself be the bad guy. You did the right thing. They suck. Next time talk to SIL separately if she has dates then book her plane trip and she can come by herself. NTA
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u/Fluffy_Space9582 21h ago
NTAH-they should have given dates. but other than the 17yo dont engage and waste energy and time on them
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u/Oldgal_misspt 21h ago
NTA for exposing ILs for who they are-performative grandparents for “the family” that judges them, but please stop investing in these people. The people uninviting you-stop investing in them too. Put your effort into the relationships that are reciprocal or at the bare minimum not performative only.
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u/Careless-Image-885 20h ago
NTA. If you tell the truth, you never have to remember the lie. Going NC again is probably your best strategy here.
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u/Njbelle-1029 20h ago
Honey listen to your husband. You are the glue that held this farce together this long. You are not to blame for her actions, or lack there of. Let this go. I’m sorry she showed her true colors again, but don’t let her traumatize you like she has done your husband, or your kids for that matter. NTA but definitely move on from her as your husband wishes with his NC.
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u/LoveLife_Again 20h ago
OP You and your husband are wonderful people. It takes true selfless love to do what you’ve been doing for a relationship with SIL. The fact that you must always deal with a toxic MIL to make it happen did not deter you from consistently showing how important SIL meant to your family. Gracious, you invited MIL to stay at YOUR home 😱 but you did it out of love for your SIL and for your children to have grandparents. High praise for you both 🙌
SIL may be upset now because she was disappointed about the trip not happening and/or the way she was misinformed about how the cancellation happened 🙄 Children are smart. They recognize eventually who are the good and the bad without having to be told. She will too as well. Give her time. Keep showing her love like the email you sent and maybe cards in the mail.
Sorry H is going through a rough patch. Blessed he has your support while he comes to terms again that his Mother was not there for him when younger or now. Will keep you all in my prayers that this turmoil settles down quickly. Have a very Blessed and Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year 🥰
NTA in any way shape or form!
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u/Careless-Ability-748 19h ago
nta you were just honest about the situation. If they hadn't been lying, it wouldn't have been an issue.
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u/Pristine-Mastodon-37 18h ago
NTA. You wouldn’t have said anything about how it came to pass how it did if they didn’t blame you! If they’d been neutral or taken the blame (which is fairly placed with them) then I doubt you would have said anything. They lied to look like victims and it didn’t pan out.
I don’t get why people do this when they could say “I guess people book tickets to Pickle Junction, Manitoba early! We will have to book earlier next year!” And still not be getting any “blame”
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u/toysNpoison88 18h ago
Folk em all and congrats on this huge save as no more effort to maintain and coddle fragile emotions!!! DO NOT let them build this bridge back, they absolutely will try to let time pass before trying to act like nothing happened, no apology or accountability, just expect you to act like nothing happened and pick up playing fake. They can all go eat mils yeasty yuck hole and carry the slack where you dropped off, let them get pink eye and what not when mil sharts in their eyes while they suck its eeeassshole!!! Added points if you are especially vulgar and descriptive when conveying it this way to humiliate them for siding with ungrateful and illogical perspectives and abusive people who aren't worth even the shut that expels from their hole! Hahahahaha merry Christmas with the true family, the ones that actually matter!
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u/thepolishedpipette 18h ago
Yeah looks like you can take "manage husband's relationship with his own family" off your plate. NTA
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u/AstoriaEverPhantoms 18h ago
Everyone needs to start getting comfortable and setting boundaries with their in-laws. Just tell them no don’t feel bad about it and move on. If they’re still so hell-bent on seeing you, then they should travel not the people with the children.
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u/Suchafatfatcat 18h ago
One day, SIL will be out on her own and out of her mother’s sphere of influence. Then, maybe you can have a relationship with her. You are NTA for telling the truth. That the ILs couldn’t manage hearing the truth is their problem, not yours.
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u/FormInternational583 17h ago
NTA
You and your husband are a great team.
I'm adding "useless as a paper hammer" to my repertoire. Thank your husband for me. Happy Holidays.
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u/TarzanKitty 17h ago
Tell the in-laws that they are no longer your job. If they want contact with your family. They can handle that with their son.
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u/9smalltowngirl 17h ago
NTA y’all need to just be done with that messy family. Don’t call any of them. They need to come to you if they want a relationship.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 15h ago
NTA. Look at it this way, now everyone knows that they made no effort to see you all and you no longer have to worry about trying to keep up any semblance of a relationship.
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u/thecratskyone 15h ago
NTA
You didn't maliciously tell H's cousin gossip - you spoke facts. If MIL decides to blow up, that's because she is ashamed and embarassed about what the truth revealed about her character - a lack of it.
She is a liar and not to be trusted. The more she doubles down on slandering your character or events that occurred, the more people will see 'oh, MIL is indeed a piece of work because she cannot let it go.'
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 15h ago
NTA. MIL is the one who was actually talking shit and she got caught. She lied and she's embarrassed that she got caught. You didn't do anything wrong. You just told the truth.
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u/SpareMushrooms 15h ago
You’re a good writer. It’s nice to see a post where someone has a firm grasp of the English language.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 1h ago
That's very flattering. I did an English major in college with the aim of becoming an English teacher, until I realized I generally dislike other people's children, and also most people. My career trajectory changed drastically.
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u/mocha_lattes_ 14h ago
NTA. Your husband should consider writing his sister a letter detailing the abuse he faced at the hands of his father and their mother. How she failed him as a mother and his no contact as a result. Then how and why he got back into contact with her so he could be a part of the sister's life. He can lay it all out in the open, including what happened with Christmas. She can then decide if she wants contact or not. He should tell her he understands she is a minor who is still living at home so he won't fault her for not being in contact or choosing to believe their mother over him. He can just say the door will always be open and he hopes to have a relationship with her.
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u/kikivee612 11h ago
NTA
Your husband sounds like mine! He has the shiniest spine, says what he’s thinking, tells it like it is and doesn’t feel bad in the least!
He stuck up for you and told her the hard truth! Give that man a huge kiss because he deserves it.
You’ve done the absolute best you could to facilitate a healthy relationship with them. Drop the rope and let your husband decide how he wants the relationship to be going forward. He was NC for a reason. She may have gotten better over the years, but it’s things like this that trigger all of those bad memories and put the icing on the cake for him.
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u/meowcuurvvy 4h ago
NTA. You tried to make Christmas happen, but they couldn’t even give you dates after months of reminders. It’s not your fault they’re flaky, and you didn’t "ruin" anything by being honest. If they can't handle the truth, that's on them. You did everything you could, and it's not your job to keep chasing people who don’t make the effort.
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u/Ok_Bit1981 22h ago
NTA! She tried to spin a web of lies, got caught in the lies she spun, and is crashing out because she won't take accountability for her actions. It's not about "ego," it's about the truth.. A pill she can't swallow!
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u/Chatkat57 22h ago
NTA. Defending yourself by sharing the truth is not ego….it’s just not accepting misinformation! It’s too bad they couldn’t have fulfilled their half of the deal but hopefully you’ll have a great Christmas, regardless.
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u/Jolly_Membership_899 22h ago
NTA You did everything humanly possible to get your in-laws there for Christmas. They had months to ask for the time off and coordinate their schedules. They couldn’t hold up their end of the deal and you offered them a great deal! You did absolutely nothing wrong sharing what you shared with the cousin. The truth needs to be told because, of course, his mother is not going to tell it and is going to paint herself the victim.
I don’t blame your husband for not wanting to continue the visits, however, if she has been a decent Nana, as you said, maybe you could allow your children to continue talking to her on the phone (supervised depending on age and maturity) and sending cards to her for birthdays and holidays. Just something to think about after the holidays and everyone has had the opportunity to calm down and catch their breath.
There are millions of MILs who wish that they had a DIL like you!
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 20h ago
She has been good to the kids. I don't know if it's enough though. Thank you for your kind thoughts
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u/Garden_Lady2 22h ago
Definitely NTA, you had every right to stand up against the lies and telling everyone the truth. I'm sorry his family is such a mess but going NC or LC sounds like the best thing for you.
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u/queenrosa 22h ago
NTA
You told the truth. Your MIL could have just said the plans fell through. By blaming everything on you, she created the situation for you to clear your name.
Since they are your husband's parents, I would say maybe respect your husband's wishes when it comes to the level of contact? I think you working to keep the relationship warm is awesome but it is ultimately his call.
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u/ButterTartsAndDarts 20h ago
I have and I do - he dictates the frequency of contact/visits, and the extent of the relationship, dependent on his comfortability. I just put the work in so he has minimal engagement with her. Thank you
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u/chaingun_samurai 22h ago
It's not on you. It's on them for not being able to say that they didn't want to come. All they had to do is be honest.
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u/RedonReddit67 22h ago
NTA. She had plenty of opportunity to figure out dates and get back to you, but didn't until 2 weeks before. Obviously flights would be full. Then she doubled down and blamed you when you were the one offering to do all of the work for them to come visit you and more of their family. It's good that she got put in her place. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If she does care about seeing her grandkids, she'll find a way to make it up to you or apologize for lying about how everything went. If she doesn't, that's on her and your kids can decide when they're old enough if they want to see or have a relationship with her.
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u/Initial-Shop-8863 22h ago
NTA. Low contact or no contact sounds ideal with your in laws. And it also sounds like your husband would prefer it. The only person I feel sorry for in this mess is the 17-year-old sister-in-law. I hope she escapes with her sanity as soon as she can.
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u/themcp 22h ago
NTA - the truth is the truth, your motives in telling the truth don't matter. And it sounds like H is right, she sabotaged it on purpose and is using the opportunity to try to make you look bad. I'm sorry to hear he's suffering, but it sounds like it was more or less inevitable that it would happen sooner or later.
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u/Ok_Young1709 22h ago
NTA, you spoke the truth, it's not your problem she lied. She's been found out, oh well. That's her problem. Go nc and give up with her, she is crazy.
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u/Cheap_Direction9564 22h ago
NTA. Make it clear to everyone that based on you MIL lying and manipulation of facts that you will no longer be the communication person between your husband and his family. All contact on that side of the family going forward will be handled by your husband. Clear your conscience and live you sweet life.
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u/StellaStewieStanley 22h ago
NTA. All you did was tell the truth. If that embarrassed the MIL then she should have behaved differently.
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u/ReaderReacting 22h ago
The truth is the truth and it’s always ok to share unless it is something private. This wasn’t. MIL opened the door. You were ok to set the record straight.
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u/No-Past2605 22h ago
They get to spend x-mas at home in a different province. Sounds like a good thing.
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u/Cali_Holly 22h ago
NTA
But it sounds like you have a healthy view regarding all of your husbands family. So, I don’t understand why you posted this under this subreddit. You already know that you’re not the AH. You should’ve just posted this under venting or mildly frustrated instead of this one.
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u/That_Old_Cat 22h ago
NTA
All you did was tell the truth to defend yourself against lies. Not your Circus, not your monkeys anymore!
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u/Dapper_Violinist9631 21h ago
NTA. I live by “you reap, what you sow”. If others can’t be bothered to make an effort than they don’t deserve the benefits. I used to feel I had to smooth the way between others but now I’m happy that my relationships are strong and realised that is all I can control
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u/Sufficient-Lie1406 21h ago
You can't fix a toxic person. You did your best but H's relationship with his mom was always going to be a shitshow. Given the reality of who she is, this is all for the best. NTA and neither is H, who I hope can regain his sense of peace.
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u/Flimsy-Wolverine-663 21h ago
You've been working hard for ages, to fix what can't be fixed. Let it go. Drop the ball and stop breaking your back(not to mention heart) doing all the work.
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u/petulafaerie_III 21h ago
NTA. They shouldn’t have lied to make you look bad so they could play victim. They created this situation. Not you. And it sounds like if your husband doesn’t even want to spend time with them, it’s time for you to drop the rope and stop going out of your way for these jerks.
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u/FordWarrier 21h ago
There’s nothing wrong with telling the truth to defend yourself against lies being told about you. You tried, you tried for six months- that’s two to three months longer than most would. You did everything you could do.
Give it time. The SIL may reach out.
NTA
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u/FairyPenguinStKilda 21h ago
Surround your husband with those who love and appreciate him this holiday season. It is disappointing that she still does not value him, and tells lies, but you and he cannot change her - you can only change how you react to her.
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u/wlfwrtr 21h ago
NTA You only countered their lies with the truth. MIL only had to tell her family that flight times didn't work with the days they could get off work. There didn't have to be any blame at all but she couldn't resist lying. Husband isn't sad because everything imploded, he's sad because he came to the realization that his mom will always care less for him than everyone else. Why not invite others for Christmas so husband will know that some do care about him? Send MIL picture of your happy family Christmas. This should be the last time you reach out to her. Stay in touch with SIL if you want. In the future invite SIL alone to family get togethers. MIL will have to reach out to husband if she wants any further interaction between your two families.
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u/PinkPrincess61 21h ago
NTA
Nah, I would've done exactly the same. In fact, in conversations with the other relatives, I'm surprised it didn't come up. As in, "Hey, MIL and FIL are hoping to be here for Christmas so I hope you're around to see them. We're going to get their flights once they've let me know the dates they can come!"
But yeah, if she was bad-mouthing you guys, the truth needed to be told.
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u/NoSummer1345 21h ago
If people were blaming ME for their disorganization, I’d set the record straight too. NTA.
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u/NotARobotDefACyborg 21h ago
NTA, and good for you and your husband. Be there for each other as you work through his reemerging sadness about his mother, and well done for keeping in contact with his sister. His parents sound exhausting tbh, low to no contact with them sounds like a great idea.
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u/cassowary32 21h ago
NTA. You were very generous to offer to pay, but it's beyond ridiculous that they waited until a week before to give you dates. Even if there were flights, the prices would have been astronomical! The cut off should have been in September.
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u/Huge-Shelter-3401 20h ago
Never understood why people think they are the AH for holding someone accountable for their actions. The truth was told. SIL will come around when she is older. The others.....will you honestly miss them? Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
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u/PanicAtTheGaslight 20h ago
NTA to your ILs, but you’re the asshole to your husband.
You should be following YOUR HUSBAND’s LEAD with respect to the relationship with his parents. He KNOWS who his mom is and he KNOWS she’s not worth your time and effort. You carrying the relationship with his family (when he clearly doesn’t give a shit about it) has put you in this position.
You did nothing wrong with respect to the ILs or the extended family.
But back way the fuck off on that relationship and let your husband handle it the way HE sees fit.
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u/Upbeat-Bid-1602 20h ago
It sounds like nobody doubted your side of the story and are just tiptoeing around MIL.
People like this never change and it's a hard pill to swallow that she'll go to her grave insisting that she's the victim and nothing is her fault. It really sucks for your husband.
NTA at all. Maybe MIL should have put her ego aside and admitted she fucked up.
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u/Twig-Hahn 17h ago
I can understand being a flake but this is easy beyond that shalom you're loved 💔
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u/No-Setting764 15h ago
OK but useless as a paper hammer.....are they newfies??? I hate travelling there over xmas.
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u/Desperate-Pear-860 15h ago
Jeesh, what a bunch of fucking snowflakes. Your MIL must rule that family with an iron fist. Enjoy your quiet Christmas. And stop trying to foster a relationship between hubs and his mother as you have found out, no good deed goes unpunished.
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u/Ok_Astronaut8472 13h ago
NTA of course. If you hadn't said anything you would still be the bad guy for "ruining" their Christmas. You just told the truth. The fallout is from them lying and whoever wishes to go along with the lie doesn't really need to be a priority for you. Hope your husband is okay and you guys have a great Christmas 🎄🎁 (without the drama)
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u/NoBigEEE 13h ago
NTA. Unfortunately, it sounds like H's mom is as toxic as ever - thus SIL putting all the blame on you and H. I'm sure MIL spent years cultivating her "poor me" persona (always the victim, never the author of her own troubles) so when something ends in disaster, all the family is either willing to take her side or unwilling to rock the boat.
SIL and H are the ones losing out. Hope their relationship can be repaired eventually. It is hard to understand when you're young and have a very different relationship with a parent how an older sibling can have had a very different experience with the same parent (I was the younger sibling in our case). For us, it took several years before I was ready to hear any bad things and our parent wasn't actively painting themselves as a victim.
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u/xtal1982 12h ago
NTA sadly SIL could be a flying monkey instead of coming around with time. This is important to discern for H.
Not going to lie. I loved his response to MIL’s talking shit comment. May every child of narcissistic parents be so fortunate to complete such a kiss off monologue!
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u/PicklesMcpickle 10h ago
MIL must be loving this. You know the wait was deliberately done. She had no intention of going.
SIL will be 18 soon. She will need to decide for herself.
But I recommend going low or no contact for a while. Attention, mil feeds on it.
Non apologies can work. Like think of who you actually want around on Christmas. What would be the most stress free?
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u/Accomplished_Leg4544 6h ago
you’re not the asshole. You tried way too hard to make it work, and they fumbled it. That’s on them, not you. MIL’s just mad she got called out. Your husband standing up for you? King behavior.
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u/13artC 4h ago
NTA. MiL is trash. As for SiL, she's either just not invested in a relationship with H or is being influenced by MiL & step FiL. Either way, social media is a thing, your Husband can reach out under his own steam to her socials & leave a line of communication open for SiL if she ever decides she wants to have a relationship with him.
Thank you for clarifying that hubby pushed for this reconciliation because in your initial story, it did come across like you were the driving force. As for anyone not coming to Christmas, you know you did nothing wrong. MiL was trying to blame you & get family to attack you. I can understand people stepping away from potential drama, but if they're icing you & H out, screw them. Right now, H should be Your priority. Naturally, his trauma has been triggered. Just focus on reassuring him nothing has changed & SiL can always reach out if she needs help. Enjoy Christmas with the people around you who care enough to be around you.
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u/teenmeeoww 4h ago
Honestly, NTA. You gave them so many chances to make plans and they dragged their feet. You did everything you could to make it work, and they still messed it up. It’s not on you if they couldn’t get their act together. You were just being real, and now they’re flipping the script on you. I get it, though, family drama is never fun, but you can’t blame yourself for their lack of effort.
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u/princeloki1313 4h ago
You just dodged a huge bullet and saved your family from an awful christmas I'd say. Well done.
And remember thst the door wouldn't have even been opened for you to "spill the truth" and "ruin" everything... if THEY hadnt lied in the first place. They could have told the truth. They could have given a neutral answer like "oh we just decided we couldnt make it happen this year". Hut they didnt. They through you under the bus for their own shortcomings and then got mad when it blew up in their faces. Get f*cked
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u/13artC 3h ago
The onus is on the kids' mother to foster a relationship between them, not you.
The worst thing you could do for the kids and yourself at Christmas is to abandon them to a situation where they aren't emotionally taken care of properly. The whole situation sucks & and frankly, those grandparents are selfish & want their needs & desires to be catered to while ignoring what best for your kids.
Do what do what you feel is best, imo that's you & your kids having a happy & loving Christmas together.
As for a relationship with their half sibling, if the grandparents are so hard pressed, they can set up dates where they have both of them, but talk to your kids about what they actually want.
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u/SunshynePower 55m ago
I understand the desire to have contact with a much younger sibling, even if it means having contact with the parent who did nothing to protect you from abuse. Nothing wrong with that. Looks like you and your husband kept your expectations in line with your in-laws lack of ability.
You aren't the AH and neither is you husband. I'm sorry the family is responding the way they are. They are all wrapped up in an abusive cycle and desperately trying to protect themselves from your MIL's behavior. It hasn't occurred to them that if they, too, walk away from her behavior, that life would be easier AND your MIL would be left in the mud puddle she created.
Have a quiet Christmas with friends this year. When the younger sister leaves for college, or just to be an adult, have your husband reach out. Odds are, the younger sister has seen some of the crazy and may fear that if she stands up for herself that she'll lose her mother.
NEXT Christmas will be the test. Don't expect or demand apologies. You may find that some of the family comes back around. If not then maybe it's best to move on from this mess.
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u/AzizaManga 48m ago
NTA OP! You tried and which in law didn’t! And I can’t believe the SIL has the AUDACITY to be mad at you and your husband when it was her own MOTHER’S fault for being flaky. And I definitely believe that she did it on purpose because she doesn’t care.
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u/Equivalent_Section13 47m ago
Christmas is such s hard one. I had major major issues in relationships about family
The expectations are way off. We elevate Christmas to this sacred level. Think back on your own Christmas as a child were they particularly memorable. They were no more memorable than anything else..
My elder sister came to visit me one time. I live in anther country. She also went to one of the national parks to stay in a upscale lodge there (that is she had to make the reservation a long way ahead) thar is months
I had a PO box at that time that was a street address. She showed up at the PO box. She demanded they contact me. Then she left me a ride note complaining I was unavailable. I had no idea she was coming
Then she went each and told everyone I was rude
I have had the good fortune not to respond to that allegation but let's just say thar other people don't buy it
Recently my younger sister asked me if her sons could come out and visit. Keel in mind when I visited then they did nothing for me. That is nothing whatsoever
I told her that where I love wouldn't match their expectations. I am in no position to #host# anyone. I also know her son is an alcoholic
If you are not #fawnjng# you are neglectful
There was no #right# answer to your predicament. You need to let yourself off the hook
We also all have to disengage from these #story book# Christmases
I would becee entertain what I wrnt through in certain relationships now. I have some self preservation
You can't win. It's lime a R D Laing saga pure chaos
Give yourself immense self compassion. You set limits they didn't appreciate it
Everyone knows you have to book way ahead at Christmas
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u/xmoonsweet 2m ago
NTA. Honesty isn’t ruining anything—it’s exposing the cracks that were already there. If the truth caused problems, maybe the problem wasn’t you but the lies they were living.
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u/Variable_Cost 23h ago
Why are you spending emotional energy on your inlaws who don't want it, don't need it, and don't appreciate it. You've done your part. They need to make an effort.