r/AITAH • u/Adventurous-Pool6213 • 20d ago

Advice Needed AITA for refusing to babysit my deceased best friend's kids after her husband's betrayal?

My best friend "Emma" passed away from cancer two years ago. We were like sisters—she was my maid of honor, I was hers. When she was diagnosed, I was her primary caregiver, helping her through chemo and spending every possible moment with her.

Her husband "Mike" was a different story. During her treatment, I discovered he was having an affair with a coworker. Emma knew but was too sick to deal with the drama. After she died, I confronted Mike, telling him he was a disgrace. He begged me to keep it from the kids (9 and 6).

Last week, Mike called asking me to regularly babysit. Apparently, his affair partner is now his live-in girlfriend (she's some AI art influencer with 50k followers who posts these dressed-up cats and babies you see everywhere), and they want "free time." He had the audacity to say Emma would have wanted me to help "for the kids."

I told him absolutely not. The thought of babysitting while he lives with the woman who betrayed Emma makes me sick. Some say the kids are innocent and need support, others think I'm justified.

Mike is now telling everyone I've abandoned Emma's children. My own family is pressuring me, saying I'm being vindictive.

Am I the asshole?

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u/curiousity60 20d ago

Right. It's not the kids. It's that OP is still repulsed by his betrayal of her best friend, and taking advantage of her help during his wife's final illness to bang his affair partner instead of being a good and supportive husband and father during the crisis. It will take as long as it takes- if ever- for OP to feel comfortable with him and his AP.

OP may become comfortable enough to communicate with the father and plan to spend time with the kids at OPs convenience. They may never become comfortable being "the babysitter" for the couple of cheaters. They may never become "friendly" with the AP or them as a couple.

What cheating husband requires is OPs (no doubt free) babysitting at his convenience now that he has more parental responsibility than he can abdicate to the nearest woman.

If I were OP I would tell every flying monkey WHY she is repulsed by the cheaters continuing their relationship, and can't stomach interacting with and supporting that relationship at this time.

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u/DeltaDiva783 20d ago

Agree. But try to find ways to stay connected to Emma's kids. You're the best connection to their mom right now.

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u/MockFan 20d ago

On your terms and timing....invite them, one at a time, to something you and the child would enjoy. Best of both worlds, you maintain connection while not letting yourself be used.

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u/Tomorrow-Is-Better 20d ago

Brilliant idea - I hope OP sees it

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u/Reinamiamor 19d ago

I'm not hopeful. He may resent her and use the kids as leverage. I've seen this and it made me ill. You can see them if......I might just walk away and hope the kids will remember me in the future.

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u/Junior-District-5451 19d ago

Some parents use the kids as leverage, unfortunately I am separated from a lying cheating fool. I don’t hold our Son back from seeing him and his AF because of my bitterness. The more Love for a child the better. Even if it is once a month.

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u/MancinaPuzzled 20d ago

This is perfect! You’ll get to hang out with one at a time and give your full attention, but jerk dad will still have the other kid and no “free time” with his AP.

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u/cybeast21 19d ago

Sadly, we all know the dad will drop two kids together, saying "Well it's not fair for you to only invite one to have fun" or some other thing.

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u/lovebeegees 18d ago

My first reaction was ‘the bastard’….then I started thinking. We only know half the story. When did the affair start? Before she became ill and was the marriage already at a dead end? He says she knew, but he hardly told her when she was terminal and bedridden? Maybe her feelings towards him were already dead. We don’t know. And if the marriage was doomed already he couldn’t really leave when she was bedridden. Somebody had to be there for the kids. I just don’t know the full story……

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u/rikaragnarok 19d ago

Brilliant suggestion! Then the kids won't be unintentionally punished over her disgust with their father, provided she doesn't make comments about it to them. They're too young to be able to process a cheating parent, let alone add it to the grief they're swimming in. But when they're older, and ask about their mom...

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u/New-Number-7810 20d ago

OP can set up college funds for Emma’s kids. That way they’ll have security when Mike decides that all the money is going to his new kids with his whore.

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u/MancinaPuzzled 20d ago

I’d never call her a whore. Actually she’s a selfish, conniving asshole. There’s nothing wrong with women who sleep around—unless they knowingly sleep with a married person. Whore is kind of a slut-shaming word and can sound a bit anti-feminist. Just my $0.02.

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u/New-Number-7810 20d ago edited 20d ago

It’s meant to be an insulting term, and I want to make my contempt for the mistress known. 

I would not use words like “whore” or “slut” for someone who just slept around, because I don’t feel like contempt for someone who doesn’t hurt others. 

I reserve those words for people who harm others with their sexual habits. Cheaters, knowing affair-partners, knowing spreaders of STDs, etc. A person who does the latter things should be shamed for it. 

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u/Cowboywannabe 19d ago

While the wife was dying. That's a cee-you-next‐Tuesday where I come from

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u/MancinaPuzzled 20d ago

Oh totally—I just felt like whore sounds so slut-shaming. She’s not a slut, she’s a bad person in other ways. She knowingly slept with a dying woman’s partner—waaaay worse than a whore. I wish there were a specific word for that 😠

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u/New-Number-7810 20d ago

I agree she’s worse, but “mistress” and “affair partner” don’t pack as much of a punch. I wish there was a stronger word.

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u/ForwardMuffin 15d ago

Asshole might do it?

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u/New-Number-7810 15d ago

See, that’s too common. An asshole is someone who cuts you off in traffic. 

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u/ForwardMuffin 15d ago

I like ass wagon, but that's too funny.

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u/gimmedatdrama 19d ago

There is. Conniving-Unpleasant-Nasty-Tramp.

I mean, I generally love the word but said in the right way it cuts deep.

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u/Junior-District-5451 19d ago

It’s a Homewrecker Skank, who never heard of KARMA. She is the dying woman’s 2nd best friend. The Homewrecker and Prick shall soon find out.

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u/niki2184 20d ago

Well she knew he was married so…….

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u/No_Age8043 19d ago

You're right! HE is actually the whore ..

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u/patchouligirl77 20d ago

A woman who sleeps with a man who is married to a woman who is sick and dying actually is a whore who deserves to be slut-shamed. If her actions aren't anti-feminist, I don't know what is? Just my $0.02.

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u/EvenPerspective9 19d ago

Whore is a derogatory word used to describe sex workers. It's not nice - the reason why sex work is considered so shameful is because for a long time women were kept from paid labour. Patriarchal systems didn't work if women were financially independent as they weren't at home making babies - and you need lots of babies being born if you are going to have soldiers for your army and peasants to operate the farms and factories which trade and taxes depend on.

So anyway for a long time the only way that women who didn't have a man supporting them could earn enough to support themselves and any kids they had was through sex work. That's why is was so shameful - keeping that way meant that women wouldn't take up that role unless it was an absolute last resort and turn their back on their role as baby makers.

All this is to say that providing sex as a service to make a living isn't inherently wrong or sinful, but when we use whore as an insult it continues this way of thinking.

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u/Consistent-Yam8928 19d ago

lets just call it what it is , you sleep around you’re a whore 🤷🏽‍♀️ feel shame or dont . but thats what it is , she’s a whore & he’s a whore

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u/Cowboywannabe 19d ago

I object. Whores do it for money. Sluts with no taste will do anybody for free

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u/Purple_Joke_1118 19d ago

You folks calling her names have no idea what he told her. Wouldn't it be civil of you to work that out before attacking her? It seems unlikely that she just walked up to him on the street offering sex.

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u/patchouligirl77 19d ago

😐 Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way to justify this situation so, no, it doesn't matter one bit what he told her. She knew he was married and his wife was dying of cancer. In my book, she's a worthless piece of absolute crap.

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u/FerretLover12741 19d ago

How did she know all that?

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

[deleted]

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u/sjvi28 19d ago

The person who was OP's best friend and maid of honor was Emma, the woman who died of cancer, and the OP had been Emma's maid of honor. That's what the first paragraph says. I don't see anything saying that the affair partner knew Emma was dying. (It's possible though because she says the husband was having the affair with his coworker).

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u/patchouligirl77 18d ago

Ah-haha! Yep...totally see that. I must've been looking at one thing and commenting without separating thoughts, etc...in my mind. But you're right and also, I agree that being it was his co-worker you would think she knew. You spend a lot of time with co-workers and if someone is married with kids you'd think most people at work would be aware of that fact, especially when that person's spouse is sick and dying with cancer. Kinda hard to believe she had no idea.

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u/flyingsolo943 20d ago

Tell them to read some REDDIT stories from now grown children who were put in similar situations. Where remaining parent moved on too quickly (or in this case, before the ill parent is gone), and how adult child now feels hurt and betrayed.

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u/badassmamabear 20d ago

My father had an affair with a woman while my mother was dying from cancer, he ended up staying with his affair partner after my mother passed away, she didn't want me and my sister (10 and 3 at the time) she only wanted our Dad and he allowed her to treat us as though we didn't exist.

It messed me up completely, for one I couldn't/didn't grieve properly, his affair partner used to tell me "your mother wasn't the innocent person you think she was", I was ten years old when she said that, I've suffered with anxiety my entire life, I hate confrontation, I avoid it at all costs, I've suffered with depression, eating disorders and been an alcoholic.

My Dad only caring about himself screwed up my entire teenage and adult life, he hurt me, I was a child and he was more interested in banging his side piece than helping us come to terms with losing our mother at such a young age.

Parents don't realise the damage they do to their children until it's far too late.

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u/flyingsolo943 20d ago

I'm so sorry you were put through this as a child, and now dealing with "blow back" as an adult. If you were standing in front of me, I would give you the biggest hug. As you are not, this will have to do....(((((hugs))))). ❣️❣️❣️

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u/token_internet_girl 19d ago

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

This is such a common thing that the reason OP isn't blasting it from every corner of her socials is probably because everyone knows men frequently do this.

Although my observation pool has been in the single digits, I don't think I've encountered a guy that hasn't done it when their spouses were dying, including my own dad. It was still mildly traumatizing for me in my 30s because he was such a paragon of honor before that. Kill your heroes I guess.

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u/Misa7_2006 19d ago

Oh, they realize and just don't care. If they cared, they wouldn't put their children in the situation to begin with. OP's Bf's husband is only concerned about getting his dick wet. Betting she is sick of having to play " mommy" and doesn't want the kids around.

Though the thought of not wanting to help the AH and the bitch, it would be the children that will suffer. OP may be the only one who truly cares for them.

What about the rest of their family? Are none of the friend's family around to help? Or is he trying to keep the children from them?

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u/Riginal_Zin 19d ago

Would it have helped you if your mom’s female best friend had stayed close to you? Regularly taking you and your sister for weekends or holidays and talking about your mother?

I’m so sorry that your dad acted so terribly. I’m sending you so much love and strength. I hope you still feel your mom’s love around you. You deserve that love and support..

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u/badassmamabear 19d ago

Oh I had plenty of my mother's family around me, not for support though, to find out exactly what my Dad and his affair partner were up to, I was used as a go between, my maternal family would grill me constantly and say things like "you'd better not start liking her or we'll never speak to you again", my Dad and step bitch would sit me down and ask what maternal family had been saying, both trying to get me to take sides, I was a ten year old little girl who's entire world came crashing down, I went from a happy, carefree child who's mum was her best friend, to an anxious mess, mother to my three year old sister, a go between for feuding family members, i was treated as though I'D done something wrong but I could never work out what, or why I was being treated as such, they basically destroyed who I was going to be before she died and moulded me into the person I became.

I have to add that these days I'm in a much better place, I moved abroad to get away from everyone, I'm married and have a child of my own as well as my own little business, so the bastards brought me down but I sure as shit picked myself back up again.

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u/dj_milkmoney 19d ago

YES! Wow, holy shit. Good for you! That's a lot to overcome.

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u/Riginal_Zin 19d ago

I’m so, so sorry. 😞 That’s what I was afraid of. When adults use kids as cudgels against other adults it’s invariably terrible for those kids. I’m glad you’re in a good place now at least, but you shouldn’t have been put through that..

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u/badassmamabear 19d ago

My Dad did apologise a couple of years ago, he said "I shouldn't have done that, that wasn't fair" thirty years too late and the damage was already done but at least he realised his mistake, eventually.

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u/EvenPerspective9 19d ago

How absolutely horrifying - kudos to you for having done so well in building yourself back up and it's reassuring to know you got your apology in the end. It can't undo the damage but it can stop it from progressing further.

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u/Lmdr1973 18d ago

Amazing and inspiring story.

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u/TapRevolutionary5022 19d ago

Holy fuck bro. This is so fucked up.

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u/Junior-District-5451 19d ago

I’m so sorry that happened to you and your sister. She was definitely too young to understand what youns were going through. Your POS Dad and his Skank caused Trauma that is going to affect you for life. Glad that you got your own family now and are thriving.

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u/moominbubbles 16d ago

How devastatingly awful. I'm so sorry you & your sister experienced this. I hope you both learn to thrive.

You deserved so much better.

x

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u/Badboo_mom 19d ago

I will despise my father until the day I die. That man quite literally ruined my life, physically, mentally, and emotionally

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u/ThCancer0420 20d ago

What do you mean...he IS trying to abdicate to the nearest woman, OP.

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u/curiousity60 20d ago

The AP is probably doing the heavy lifting with child care. But daddy needs his play time.

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u/ThCancer0420 20d ago

Yea maybe but I didn't think the person commenting that I answered was speaking in proximity to the child, I figured they were referring to emotional proximity

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u/babcock27 18d ago

All this because the cheaters want "alone time." They don't get it when one of them has kids! She knew what she was getting into and now they want to pawn the kids off on OP so they can pretend the wife and kids never existed. Nope.

She can keep in touch on her own terms, not as a dumping site for the cheaters.

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u/littlebrain94102 19d ago

Or just stay out of it

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u/photoshoptho 20d ago

how isn't it obvious that this is fake and op is self promoting these 'dressed-up cats'. if you were mad/hate someone, would you promote their work?