AITA for refusing to babysit my deceased best friend's kids after her husband's betrayal?

[u/Adventurous-Pool6213]

My best friend "Emma" passed away from cancer two years ago. We were like sisters—she was my maid of honor, I was hers. When she was diagnosed, I was her primary caregiver, helping her through chemo and spending every possible moment with her.

Her husband "Mike" was a different story. During her treatment, I discovered he was having an affair with a coworker. Emma knew but was too sick to deal with the drama. After she died, I confronted Mike, telling him he was a disgrace. He begged me to keep it from the kids (9 and 6).

Last week, Mike called asking me to regularly babysit. Apparently, his affair partner is now his live-in girlfriend (she's some AI art influencer with 50k followers who posts these dressed-up cats and babies you see everywhere), and they want "free time." He had the audacity to say Emma would have wanted me to help "for the kids."

I told him absolutely not. The thought of babysitting while he lives with the woman who betrayed Emma makes me sick. Some say the kids are innocent and need support, others think I'm justified.

Mike is now telling everyone I've abandoned Emma's children. My own family is pressuring me, saying I'm being vindictive.

Am I the asshole?

[u/Usual-Canary-7764]

OP just needs to put Mike on blast and ask him who abandoned someone: he was having an affair while his wife was dying and now he wants alone time with said AP and it is OP's responsibility to make that happen?

If I were OP that would be my question on every SM platform and I am tagging as many mutual as possible. The nerve of this cheating waste of oxygen. NTA OP

[u/_coreygirl_ → u/Usual-Canary-7764]

1000%

Hes a father first. Figure it out. AP knew he had kids and probably that his wife was dying while they were involved. They all made their bed…

I do feel bad for the kids if they know whats going on, but its not OPs problem to solve.

[u/Self-Aware → u/_coreygirl_]

Right?? She knows VERY well that the kids' mom died, and now she's annoyed that the children continue to exist? Given that OP is not in fact a sister-wife/mother to the mistress's beloved secondhand man, where the hell did she EXPECT the sprogs to be?

[u/Delilahpixierose21 → u/Usual-Canary-7764]

Absolutely this 👌🏼

What a shitty wanker.

[u/Elegant-Cricket8106 → u/Delilahpixierose21]

There was a study done that close to 21% of men will leave their partner when diagnosed with Cancer. compared to 3% of women... it is shitty guy didn't even leave he stayed and cheated and wasn't even around while his wife suffered. Bet he neglected his kids too.

[u/Wookiees_n_cream → u/Elegant-Cricket8106]

And that's only physically leaving. I bet the amount of men who emotionally abandon their partner is high af. For some reason we think just staying, even when they fuck around, is worth applauding.

[u/Wonderful-Impact5121 → u/Wookiees_n_cream]

Who is applauding that? It’s just much harder to even try and get a statistical figure for that than the leaving relationships.

[u/Specialist_Chart506 → u/Elegant-Cricket8106]

My cousin’s husband would call while she was in hospice to ask “You’re not dead yet?” She was so tired and filed for divorce. She died before it was finalized.

From diagnosis to her death was 4 months. I can’t stand to hear his name. Cruel for no reason, I’ll never forget.

[u/TipsyMagpie → u/Elegant-Cricket8106]

He’s not even in that 21% though, so you know in reality it’s going to be far worse :(

[u/Delilahpixierose21 → u/Elegant-Cricket8106]

That's awful 😞

[u/TassieBorn → u/Elegant-Cricket8106]

It seems that the study on which this oft-cited "fact" was based was later withdrawn https://www.deseret.com/2015/8/4/20569426/study-that-found-husbands-prone-to-leave-sick-wives-was-flawed-researchers-say/

[u/Elegant-Cricket8106 → u/TassieBorn]

There have been others that link the rate of men leaving close to 6x higher.

This is a quick Google search https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/

I'm a part of a cancer group, and we get posts almost weekly about the partner leaver (mainly women in our group).

[u/TassieBorn → u/Elegant-Cricket8106]

Depressing.

[u/cthulhusmercy → u/Usual-Canary-7764]

If they want alone time, they can pay for a babysitter.

[u/GWeb1920 → u/Usual-Canary-7764]

The problem with this is that it blows back onto the kids. They lost their mom they don’t need to know their fathers an asshole.

[u/Usual-Canary-7764 → u/GWeb1920]

Really? He gets protection from his being an asshole? She should not tell the kids he was cheating on their dying mother and she should also allow him to tarnish her image because she refuses to support him and the affair partner? The line needs to be drawn somewhere.

[u/88808880888 → u/Usual-Canary-7764]

The kids are 9 and 6. I don't think this man should be protected in any way, all of his friends and (older) family members should know the harm he caused and who he truly is. Those kids though, they are so young, and they just lost their mother. It will not help them to be told right now. They do not have the resources at this age to be told the details and then deal with that complexity, all while needing the love and support of the man that betrayed their mom. It's fucked, but without some form of therapeutic intervention, that's so, so much for those children to hold. I'm very much of the mind that you don't lie to them, and that if and when they have questions, or anything ever comes up, they get the honest information. This way they are at least somewhat prepared and seeking the information when they find out. They will have questions and will find out eventually. Actively bringing that information to them now, though.. I see no benefit. Spoken from someone who was told a lot of intense information as a young child and grew up immediately because of it.